Page 34 of Hawk

But although I hate to admit it, Hammerhead is right. She’s not my business and I need to keep reminding myself I’m here to do a job. Not steal his old lady.

I close my eyes and try to banish the thoughts of her that keep filling my head. As I do though, a soft voice in the back of my mind—the one that usually precedes some of my worst ideas—speaks up.

Can’t you do both?

“Shut up,” I mutter. “Just shut the hell up.”

CHAPTERFOURTEEN

I’ve been laying awake in my makeshift bed all night, just staring at the ceiling in the dark. Voices tend to carry in this place, so I heard everything that happened tonight. I heard Deadbolt lying to Hammerhead, trying to get him to fight Hawk in his stead. Typical of that piece of crap. That’s just his way.

And then after that, I heard Hawk and Hammerhead arguing about me. And I heard Hawk storm into his bedroom. And all the while, I’ve just been laying here, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I know Hammerhead is going to blame me for what’s happened. For the disarray and chaos of the evening. He’ll probably blame me for Deadbolt lying, and for having to follow whatever rules Hawk set down for him. The fact that Hawk is dictating rules for Hammerhead to follow makes me see why he’s been in such a shitty mood lately. Shittier than usual anyway.

Hammerhead is not a man who likes having rules dictated to him. He’s used to being the alpha. The one in charge. He’s used to people jumping when he tells them to. So, having to swallow his pride and follow somebody else’s rules cannot be sitting well with him. It’s a thought that makes me laugh to myself—of course, not loud enough for him to hear me. I like the fact that Hawk is making Hammerhead uncomfortable. It’s making him do things he doesn’t want to do. Things that he doesn’t like but are being forced upon him anyway.

“Maybe he’s getting a taste of what it feels like,” I mutter to myself.

As I stare at the darkness above me, all I can think about is Hawk. There’s a small part of me that wonders if he’s lying in his own bed, staring at the ceiling and thinking of me too. I want to think that. It makes my heart skip a beat to think it. In reality, though, I know he’s probably not. I heard him tell Hammerhead that I’m not his business and that he’ll back off. I know Hawk doesn’t approve of the way Hammerhead treats me, but he seems either unwilling or unable to do anything about it.

A sigh passes my lips as I think about it. I guess maybe because I’m Hammerhead’s ol’ lady, technically, I’m off-limits. I never agreed to it, but I can’t change it now. I don’t know where he gets off calling me his ol’ lady when he treats me more like his slave, but for all I know, maybe that’s just how things are done in this world.

There is a lot about MC life that I don’t know—that Hammerhead has purposely kept from me. He depends on my ignorance for my reliance on him. He keeps me from knowing things because he knows I’m smart enough to figure out how to use them against him. We’ve been through that a couple of times already and it usually results in me being beaten. Still, I assume it’s better than the fates that awaited some of the other guys who’d violated those unwritten rules. In my time here, I’ve seen guys who’ve broken those unwritten rules go out on a ride never to come back.

That mischievous smile Hawk sometimes gets flashes through my mind, and I can’t stop the warmth from blossoming in my belly. I remember how gentle he was in cleaning my wound and bandaging my finger and it makes my heart flutter.

I can’t have thoughts like this. I need to stay away from him. For his sake as well as for my own. Messing about with Hawk is like playing with a hand grenade and hoping it doesn’t go off in my hand. I know this.

But I can’t stop thinking about him. I can’t stop wanting to be near him. And it’s not just because he’s forbidden fruit.

There is something about him that draws me. Compels me. Something about him makes me want to throw caution to the wind and just say screw it, just to be with him. He makes me feel things deep inside that have left me dizzy and breathless.

He makes me want to say fuck it all and risk everything.

Being with him, if only for a night, might be worth the punishment I would receive if it were ever found out. It might even be worth being taken out on a ride I won’t come back from. There’s just something about him I find so exhilarating. So totally and completely irresistible.

But at the same time, I hate feeling this way. I know it won’t come to a good end. Not for either of us. I’m afraid. Because now those feelings have bloomed in me and I still don’t know if it’s all in my head.

I want to believe he sees me the same way I see him. I want to believe that he feels what I do. And that he secretly desires me the same way I crave him. Which I know is probably damn near psychotic and will only lead to trouble. Big trouble. The sort of trouble that will lead both of us to an early grave. Even if he does feel the way I do, what can we possibly do about it?

I sit up and press my back against the wall as I pull my pillow into my lap and hug it tight, my mind spinning a thousand miles a minute. I push all the feelings and emotions about Hawk out of my head and try to focus on the one simple question that keeps bouncing through my mind.

“What do I want?” I whisper.

It’s a simple question that’s got a complicated answer. I mean, there’s part of me that would be into an illicit one-night affair with Hawk—one I’m sure would be steamy, torrid, and would leave me with a smile on my face and a thousand memories I can look back on and smile. But I know deep down that’s not really what I want. Or at least, not all that I want.

As amazing as I’m sure a night with Hawk would be, the happiness I would get from it would be fleeting. It would be great in the moment. Maybe even for a couple of hours. But eventually, that shine would fade, and I’d be left right where I am now—trapped in a cage, miserable, and unhappy. Which leads me back to the same simple question: what do I want?

What I want is something that I’m not sure I can have. I want to be free of this place. I want to be free of Hammerhead and all his minions. I want to get out of this world and try to find my way back to happiness again.

I want to forget the million terrible memories that make up my life ever since I was abducted. I want to forge new ones. Happier memories. Memories of being surrounded by people who love me and each other.

As crazy as it may sound, I still want to find love. To be married. To have a family of my own. To have a life that’s stable and good, beside a man who treats me with love and respect.

Even after all I’ve endured, the degradation, humiliation, and horrific abuses, I want my hope fulfilled. I still want all the things I used to dream of when I was younger, when life was good and my future was stretched out before me on a vast, endless road where I could go anywhere, do anything, and be anybody that I wanted.

I still believe in all the things I did before I was taken. I locked all those things away in a box deep inside my heart and kept it safe. Nurtured it. Never let my circumstances diminish its shine.

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