Page 64 of Only You

Eva shook her head. “I deserve that look...” she said, looking up at the ceiling. “This is harder than I thought it would be.”

Putting her cup down, she flattened her hands against her legs. Andrew remained silent. This was her story to tell. He would not make it easier for her, but he realised whatever was going on, she needed to get it out, so he waited.

Taking another deep breath, Eva’s eyes came back to his. Shaking her head, he watched as she rubbed a quivering hand over her chest. “I thought this was going to be easy.”

Andrew leaned forward. The pain emanating from his ex-wife almost suffocating. “Eva, look at me.” Her eyes flashed to his. “Start at the beginning.” His patience was waning, but he knew he needed to hear her out if only to allow himself to move forward.

She held his gaze and gave a slow nod. Taking a deep breath, she started.

“Santana wasn’t the only accident. I was too.” She stared absently at the coffee table as the words tumbled out. “Ana thought I was the golden child, but I wasn’t. I simply had more time to learn to play his games. By the time she came along and I was old enough, I was out of the door, only coming back when I had to. I abandoned her the same way I abandoned you.”

Andrew frowned, unsure of what Eva was trying to say. His confusion must have shown as Eva gave him a knowing smile. “My mother, like you and I, was on the same trajectory as my father. She was top of her class, and expected to make great waves in her chosen field. Dad married her. He wanted the best... always the best.” She shook her head. “That was until she got pregnant with me.”

“She was stronger in those days; she wasn’t the brow-beaten woman you met. She told my father she was having the baby and took time out. She was a great mum during those early years, but as with everything, as time moved on, her confidence ebbed, or so she told me recently.” Andrew watched as Eva composed herself. “She eventually went back to work, but as a GP. Dad’s career took off. I remember well how he’d always pointed out how she’d thrown it all away and failed herself and him by having me. In the end, I suppose the long hours as a GP and being a solo parent wore her down. Then during her menopause, she fell pregnant again with Santana. The arguments and rows that followed.” Eva shook her head as if trying to clear the memories.

She leant forward and picked up her coffee, taking a long sip. “I spent my childhood trying to win my father’s approval. The day I got into medical school, that dream came true. I was suddenly his wonderful, clever, intelligent daughter,his little girl. All those years I’d fought to get his attention, I suddenly had it. When I entered core surgical training... well, I’d made it. My father spoke of me with pride.”

Andrew couldn’t help himself. He was picturing the kind of childhood both Eva and Ana had experienced at the hands of their narcissistic father.

“What about Ana?” Andrew heard himself ask, not sure he really wanted to listen to the emotional torture the woman he was developing serious feelings for had experienced growing up. He knew some of it, he’d been there, but their father had wanted to impress him. He was from the rightstockon the righttrajectory,so he knew what he’d seen was probably a more watered-down experience, which had been bad enough.

Eva shook her head. “Mum tried to protect Ana. When she was old enough, She sent Ana away to boarding school to protect her from him. Ana learned, like me, to appease. She’s stronger than me...” Andrew’s head shot up, and he stared at Eva, open-mouthed.

Eva smiled, “She walked away, Andrew. Ana is a hell of a lot stronger than I am... she told him to go to hell and left. She walked away from a promising career in medicine. I know because I’ve kept an eye on her over the years... Did you know she was top of her class in both years of med school?” Andrew raised an eyebrow. “I had friends who would let me know how she was doing. When he tried to control her the way he did me, she turned her back on him.”

Andrew drew in a deep breath. His heart hurt for Ana. He knew there had been more to her story about leaving medical school. Somehow her excuse had not rung true, but he hadn’t wanted to push. It had been none of his business, not then, at least. But now... he wanted to find her, hold her. Eva shook her head, and Andrew watched a lone tear track its way down her cheek before she swiped it away.

Andrew stared at her for a long moment. He didn’t want to believe her sob story and wasn’t sure how he and Olivia fit in. She’d escaped her father. They’d been married. They’d barely spent any time with them. But he’d met enough narcissists, and Anthony Lewis fitted the bill. He only got away with things because he was at the top of his field.

“Forgive me, Eva, but you had escaped him. You’d married me. We were together. We had a life before you threw it away. Are you trying to tell me it was all because your father told you to? I’m struggling to buy it.”

Eva looked up and gave him a sad smile. “I had, but it wasn’t enough. It has taken me five years of therapy to understand how I destroyed my life to appease that man. I lost my husband, and I gave away my daughter.” Her voice caught on the last sentence.

Andrew stood up and paced to the mantelpiece, his hands gripping the marble. His back turned to Eva. He didn’t dare look at her as his disgust was growing stronger. She was trying to blame someone else for her actions. “You freaked out when you found out you were pregnant.”

“That isn’t entirely true,” Eva said, unable to look him in the eye when he turned around. “I knew I was pregnant from the start. I knew at five weeks.”

“But...” Andrew stared at Eva open-mouthed, unsure how to reply.

“I wanted it to be too late by the time anyone found out... beforehefound out... believe me, I wanted our baby so much.” Eva’s eyes filled with tears as she got up and moved to the mantle that was covered in pictures of Olivia through the years. She picked up one of Olivia’s baby pictures. A fresh set of tears rolled down her cheek. She looked up, and Andrew saw the pain in her eyes.

Taking her arm, he led her back to the sofa.

Eva sighed. “I don’t expect you to understand. It’s taken me a long time to get my head around what happened to me and why I behaved the way I did.” Andrew watched her grip the picture tighter, her knuckles almost white. “All I’d ever heard from Father growing up was that a baby would ruin my career. It had destroyed my mother’s career. My birth had been the end of her promising career as a surgeon. Who wanted to take a chance on someone with other commitments? I’d spent years watching my father brow-beat my mother, put her down. I thought if I kept my pregnancy a secret until it was too late, then he would come round. He would see that my career didn’t have to be over.” Eva shook her head sadly. “Do you remember I went to stay with them for the weekend? In hindsight, I shouldn’t have done it. I wasn’t strong enough. I couldn’t stand up to him. He was a bully, and he made me feel like a failure. I had spent so many years trying to please that man. I couldn’t face his disappointment when I’d finally earned it. He’d been so proud, and I was letting him down.” Tears tracked their way down Eva’s face, her eyes never leaving Olivia’s photo. “When I told him I was pregnant, he went ballistic. All the time and effort he’d spent on my career. I’d thrown it all away in his eyes. I was no better than my useless mother. He told me you would grow to resent me the way he resented my mother. You loved me because I was a bright shining star, not some washed-out housewife.”

Andrew felt the colour leech from his face. He would never have resented Eva. He had been so happy when he’d found out they were pregnant because that was the way he’d seen it. They had been pregnant. Eva nearly destroyed him when she announced she didn’t want their child. He had been desperate. Andrew had begged and pleaded with her to reconsider. Andrew knew his father-in-law was a piece of work, but he hadn’t realised how badly Eva had been under his thumb. Had he really been so blind as to not see what was happening in front of him? Andrew had been twenty-nine when Olivia was born. He and Eva had been together for three years. In all fairness, they had spent little time with her family. She’d always preferred to spend the holidays with his, but when they had been there, she had always appeared to be worshipped.

If what Eva was saying was true, Anthony Lewis may not have physically abused his daughters, but he had spent years mentally abusing them. That Eva was as successful as she was, or that Ana had the inner strength to break away, even in the harshest of circumstances, was amazing. His daughter had grown up without a mother because some man had decided her career was more important and had brainwashed her into believing him.

Eva’s tear-filled eyes broke something inside him. “I am so sorry for all I put you and Olivia through.” She shook her head. “I have had years of counselling to understand what happened. Giving you up broke something in me. I finally snapped on Olivia’s first birthday. It was then they diagnosed me with postpartum depression. One of my colleagues found and helped me. He knew some of what had happened and organised my transfer. He helped me get away. It took me a couple of years to face what had happened to me and to Ana, but once I did...” She trailed off, her eyes frozen on a spot on the floor. Whatever she was seeing was toxic for her. Andrew knew he needed to pull her out.

He snapped his fingers in front of Eva’s eyes. She gazed at him, her focus gone.

“Eva. Eva!” he said, pulling her back into the present.

“I’m so sorry,” she said, dissolving into tears.

Andrew could not stand seeing the woman in front of him in so much pain. She had been his wife. She was the mother of his daughter. Whatever had gone on between them, she had given him the most precious gift someone could give another. He pulled her into his arms and rocked her as he had done a million times for Olivia when she was hurt. He sat and soothed her until her tears finally subsided.

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