Page 43 of A Pack Christmas

I know how all-encompassing it can feel, how in one moment you can feel so lost, then start to believe that everything in the world is finally right. Yet I also know how wrong those feelings can be. How everything you’ve been told suddenly becomes the biggest lie to ever exist.

A shudder runs through me and I close my eyes until the waitress speaks again. I hadn’t even realized she was still standing next to the table.

“Are you cold?” she asks. “We can move you farther from the vent.

Grabbing one of the napkins, I wipe my face and shake my head as I force a smile to my lips. “I’m good. Thank you.”

She pats the tabletop and returns my grin. “Well, all right, then. You just holler if you need anything at all and I’ll have a refill right up.”

If only all humans could be this nice…

I stare back down at my burger, but my normal, ravenous appetite has faded away. Thinking about Thane typically does that to me.

He’s the only son of bitch who has that kind of power over me and he doesn’t even exist any longer.

I buried him in the ground twelve years ago and he still finds a way to fuck with me. I thought once he was dead that I wouldn’t miss the mate bond. Yet no matter how much I hate him and am glad he’s dead, there’s a part of me that can’t stop caring about him. That alone pisses me off more than anything else, knowing that he still has some sort of hold on me even from the grave.

Taking a deep breath, I calm my rising rage and close my eyes. I picture the river back in East Texas and the rock I used to sleep against when being around the pack became too much.

Their sympathetic looks were a constant reminder of what I’d been forced to do.

And we had every right to kill him, my wolf says, as she always does.He would have raped us, caged us, and eventually killed us one way or another. It was him or us. How do you not see that after all this time?

Idosee it, but knowing something and believing it are two different things. I know that shifting and allowing you to rip Thane’s heart from his human chest was the right thing to do because he truly was a monster. Yet…I became a murderer and lost my fated mate all in the same moment.

Wedid that, she corrects.Plus, he was a shitty person and deserved what he got.

And I’m not, I reply.Which means I still have guilt, no matter how happy I am to be on our own.

My wolf becomes quiet and I take that time to pick a bit more at my burger, then thank the waitress for my refill before drinking half the shake in just a couple of gulps.

I stare at the other patrons in the diner. They’re smiling and laughing, enjoying their simple life in this backroad, country town in southern Colorado. Nobody here is alone like I am and while I tell myself I prefer it this way, I’ve been thinking about the past way more than usual and have been heading in the direction of East Texas for weeks now.

There’s nothing wrong with having a pack, my wolf says, listening in on my thoughts.

I know she’d be happy about that. As much fun as we have on the road, doing as we please, deep down, pack is life. They’re family and safety and home. I’ve known that since the first time I ran away—right after initially meeting Thane—and felt truly alone.

Thane’s parents had moved to our pack in South Carolina and were instant celebrities with their deep pockets and powerful wolves. So much so that even my parents took their side when I told them I wasn’t ready to be a mate.

I had no idea why the fates would do that to me at only sixteen, especially since Thane had been twenty-three, but I learned quickly that I was the only person I could count on.

Thane didn’t like that I had my own opinions. He wanted me to cower before him, to do whatever he commanded, but that isn’t who I’ve ever been. I wanted to be his mate, but I wasn’t ready to let him fuck me or believe he owned me.

Maybe I would have been if he’d shown me even an ounce of respect, but he’d never even called me by name. Merely referred to me ashismate in a way that made it clear I would be hisproperty. Something I couldn’t fathom letting happen.

Though it wasn’t just the future with a fated mate that I lost back then. I lost my home and my family, including a little sister who had only been five at the time. I ran from them and nobody objected. To say that left me with a few additional issues would be an understatement.

Since then, I’ve avoided pretty much everyone I can. Yet as the years tick by, I wonder if I’ve made a mistake.

Not in killing Thane—that fucker deserved what he got regardless of my lingering guilt—but by running away from my problems and never turning back.

You know what we need to do, my wolf says, voice filled with compassion.

She’s not wrong. Neither of us has said the words out loud, but we’ve both known for weeks now.

It’s time to go home. Our first home.

Only before we can go back to South Carolina, we need to see Cait and Roman. They’ve done more for me than any other would have ever considered—even my own parents. They deserve to know what my plans are and I’m going to give them that respect. Right before I tell them I want to be relinquished from their pack, allowing me to rejoin my old one, should that be an option.

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