Page 26 of Beautiful Beginning

“I planned to work for an advocacy group.” His words were calm, thoughtful, intentional. Not like he was giving me an answer to snatch my attention from the food. Or that he threw out something random, or generic. He thought about it. He winced. “Not a lot of money in it. But to be honest…” He paused and sat his menu on the table. “Becoming SGA president, I see opportunities I hadn’t considered before.”

“Like?”

“Working for a major campaign. Running for a role in local government. Having a bigger platform.”

A bigger platform. I felt the lump in my throat and hoped Chaz didn’t hear it when I gulped.More Little Miss Wave At My Manenergy.“Impacting more people. Doing greater good for the community. Makes sense.” I nodded. Because it did. Even if that meant more women throwing their panties at Chaz. “Be part of the solution instead of complaining about the problem.”

After we ordered—a steak for him, and the risotto and scallops for me—he asked me, “What about you?”

I liked to think my answer was as thoughtful, intentional. I wanted to match his level of calm and confidence. I straightened my shoulders and said, “I want to move to a sizable city, work for a known finance company. Continue my work with the community to improve financial literacy.”

With a smile that only turned up his lips halfway, he said, “Sounds admirable. But what city?” I could sense his hesitation. The restraint he held in his voice.

“Do you not like large cities?” Hill Mount wasn’t a large city. It wasn’t a small town with only one streetlight. But it couldn’t compare to the nearby cities or those across the country.

“Hadn’t considered moving to one.” Unfortunately, his response was confident. Like there was no room for compromise.

“But you would?” I stuttered. “You’d consider it?”

His stare stopped the clock. Time remained, and the globe didn’t revolve. But his words shattered the atmosphere, and maybe my soul. “I don’t think so.” It lacked the surety of where he’d work. What he’d do next. It didn’t lean on a possibility. It wasn’t final. But it didn’t promise hope either.

His answer tainted the rest of the night, lightening my rose-colored glasses. For the first time I looked at the goblet of wine sitting on the table as half empty.

I tried grasping for the optimism. Tried re-arranging his words, his tone, and his delivery to mean anything but what it did. The four words weighed heavy on me. So heavy, that the ride to his apartment and walk inside felt robotic.

At the edge of his bed, where I sat, I tried to let the warmth of his lips remove the haze. Pull me from the rabbit hole of my mind. They did. For a minute. His hands gliding down my body gave me something else to focus on. The exchange was like an exercise in compromise—but I wished it wasn’t needed.

ChapterTwelve

Chaz

Studying used to look like me, a book, and a quiet room alone. Somewhere I could check out of the world and indulge in the material I needed to cram for a class. I could stay in my hole for hours before emerging ready to take a test. To pass whatever exam my most meticulous professor put in front of me.

But it hinged on the concept of quiet.

And the library should have been that place. With a stern librarian scouring the crowd. Workers hushing people. Cutting off side conversations, and meaningless anecdotes. That would have given me the quiet space I needed to study for my ideologies exam. But between the high-pitched squeals of Journey’s friends, and low grumbles of the guys that flocked to them, the space was everything but quiet.

My headphones with white noise couldn’t cancel them out. I’d re-read the same sentence four times. Still, I was nowhere near understanding what it said. Couldn’t imagine how Professor Chapman would use it as a question on the test. I shifted in my seat, one beside Journey, and stared at the words a little harder.

When they danced along to the sounds of the voices surrounding me, I gave in. I decided it wasn’t going to work. The little agreement I made to join her in the library had to end. I tapped my pencil on the book and looked around at the faces hardly studying. No focus on the books stretched open on the table. Laptops sat idle, and the only thing happening was conversations that had no end in sight.

I touched Journey’s arm and pulled her from the exchange she had with Nia beside her. “Hey, I’m about to leave.” I tried to keep my voice quiet. To honor the sanctity of the library. Although none of them would have cared, and a stern librarian was nowhere in sight. The workers hardly visited our space once to hush us.

“Leave?” Journey tilted her head to the side. “We aren’t finished studying yet. We’ve only been in here for an hour.” Her face turned into a serious scowl. “Are you ready for your test?”

I shook my head. “No, and that’s why I need to leave.” I looked around the table at each of the people sitting there and decided not to put them on blast. I couldn’t shake the look of disappointment Journey gave me though. It was much like the look she gave me at the restaurant when I told her the city life wasn’t for me. I hated the look from across the table then, and from beside me now. I put my book down near my bag and told her, “Come with me real quick.”

She looked beyond me but didn’t hesitate to rise from her seat. I reached for her hand and led us down the hallway. Looking back and forth amongst the shelves of books, and closed doors until I found one that was open. I pulled her inside and shut the door behind us.

The quiet of the room, and how it blocked all the noise outside of it was a perfect place to study. “I like studying in spaces like this.” I heard her intake of breath. But couldn’t watch her facial expression.

“Dark rooms?”

I assured her, “Quiet. It’s here where I can hear myself think. Whatever I read has a chance to permeate my brain, and stick.” I placed my hand on the door beside her head. “Out there, it’s too loud for any of that to happen. For any of my thoughts to have a chance amongst the sea of noise.”

“But at the game…” Her chest heaved in front of me. “You had a book while everyone around you stood and chanted. The band played beside you. And the football team ran up and down the field. Helmets clacking. Then us. We cheered, and I can’t imagine any of that was near quiet.”

“It wasn’t.” There was a simple explanation for that. “I wasn’t studying. I was passing the time.”

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