Page 260 of A Realm of Shattered Lies

My heart aches.

Everything aches.

My friend is out there. My friend who I’ve made my enemy, and it doesn’t matter that in the weeks since I’ve seen him, Evander has grown into his place as a king.

Andy is going to die out there. He’s going to leave Ellie with nothing, a bereaved mother and wife, and there’s nothing I can do.

His blood will be on my hands, the same as his child’s, when this Other slays him.

We could help him, you know, whispers a voice from the darkness, a voice that makes my skin crawl with dread.

The voice slithers from the pocket inside my robes, the one just above my chest. We could save Andy. It’s what we both want.

“No,” I whisper. “I’m done letting you make my decisions for me.”

You know it would work. I can still feel it, that desperation to be someone else. It leaks off of you, more potent than it’s ever been. It has been since you betrayed your friends, since you realized what you’d done to your friend’s child. You desire nothing more than to be anything other than yourself. With my help, you could transform into anyone you want. It would be so easy. Like telling your fingers to curve. Like willing your lungs to take a breath. Let me in, and you’ll never have to hide from the sun again. Think of what we could transform into together. Something larger, grander than the others. I could make you a savior, Blaise.

“No, you’d take my body and run. I know you,” I whisper.

You do. Which means you know how I crave the prince. How I would never let him suffer. You might have forgotten about the princeling the first moment a new set of eyes swiveled in your direction, but I am not so fickle. I do not wish the prince to perish. In this, you can be confident. I will not allow him to die.

I shake my head, fear welling inside my chest. Outside, a soldier shrieks. The noise is quickly silenced, coupled with the crunching of bones.

You know I am speaking the truth, it says.

The adamant box buzzes at my chest.

The darkness of the closet threatens to swallow me. And I’m back in the pantry with Derek, back to that sinking feeling of dread and not knowing how to say no.

“No,” I cry, harsh and bitter.

Salty tears run down my cheek, coating my lips and stinging my eyes.

“No,” I whisper.

You know it is the only way to save him.

“No.” I’m sobbing now, fear drowning me. “You’ll take me, and you’ll never give me back.”

I won’t. I will take your body and use it for whatever I desire. It will be mine, and you will vanish from existence. Except for maybe the times I choose to allow you to exist, the times I choose to let you experience what I’m doing with your body. But your friend will live, Blaise. Or do you value your life over his? I can’t say I’ll be surprised if you refuse. You always have been a selfish little whore.

“No,” I say again, but my voice is weak now, warbling. “No, please. Please.”

Who are you begging, child? Tell me it’s not the Fates. They turned their ears away from you long ago.

Sweat drips down my forehead, mingling with my tears. It’s so, so dark. The closet feels as if it’s closing in on me, the walls crushing my limbs. He’s in here with me, touching me, pulling at my trousers, whispering to me…

Your shame, child. I know you believe me incapable of such an emotion, but it makes me pity you. I know you fear me, but just think. It could be better this way. You would be gone, erased from existence. Far, far away, where that shame that tortures you would never reach you. Doesn’t that sound better?

Shame.

I hear Piper’s voice in my mind.

What is the antidote for shame, Blaise?

Pride, I’d said in the moment, knowing that to be the wrong answer as soon as it fled my mouth.

I didn’t know the answer then, and I don’t know now, and I suppose I never will.

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