Page 174 of A Throne of Blood and Ice

“I know what’s happening,” I snap. “I don’t need you to explain it to me. I just need you to get out of my way.”

Nox grips my shoulders, and at first I think it’s to restrain me, but then I realize my entire body is shaking, and Nox’s grip is the only thing holding me upright.

“It’s too late, Blaise. We’re miles away from the castle. You’ll never reach it in time. The ritual is almost complete, and you’re half a night’s journey away.” His words aren’t cruel. There’s no accusation in them, only objective calculation.

“I’ll run. I’ll make it,” I insist, but my legs are trembling with such force, I know I couldn’t make it in this state. Even if it were feasibly close by.

“That’s okay. I don’t mind,” Nox says, and when he gently draws me into his chest, I don’t fight him. He tucks his chin onto the top of my head before planting a kiss there. “I’m just grateful I get to see you one last time.”

The tears stinging at my eyes pool over my lids and streak my cheeks, coating his shirt.

“I lied to you. I lied to you, and then I left you,” I whisper. “You gave up everything for me, and I left you. You must hate me.”

Nox sighs, and there’s nothing but honesty in the sound of his exhale. “You had a pretty good reason, from what I can tell.”

“There was nothing there for me,” I say, the image of the abandoned manor creeping into my vision. “You were all I had, and I threw you away for a life that never existed.”

Nox doesn’t say anything for a long while, but when he does, his breath tickles the top of my head. “We can only do the best we can with the information we’re given. Anything more than that is asking too much. Besides,” he says, his chest deflating against my ear, “it wouldn’t have been fair for me to stay angry. Not when I lied to you too.”

“You gave her the parasite, didn’t you?” My words are muffled, muted by his shirt. I’d had hours to myself to work through it during my trek back to Ermengarde. It was the only solution that made sense.

Nox is silent for a long while, his hands clutching the fabric of my cloak at my back. “Yes. And I gave her myself, too. My service, my lifetime, as long as she helped me get you back.”

Salt stings at my eyes, burns even harsher in the frigid climate. “Oh, Nox…” It’s all I can think to say, because there are no words to describe the devastation that rends my chest in two at what he’s given up for me.

“I was ashamed to tell you. I know I ruined our plans.”

We stand there, me wrapped up in his embrace for a long while, until my knees begin to wobble, and my silent tears turn into sobs. “Please don’t leave me,” I whisper.

Nox stills. “I would never, if given the choice.”

“Please.” The word scrapes against my throat, dry and cracked. “Please. Please don’t leave. The lump in my throat threatens to puncture my skin, until all my breath seeps into the freezing air and leaves me suffocating.

“I’ll stay as long as I can,” he says, and he does.

“I’mafraid I have a horribly selfish thing to ask of you.”

Nox is still holding me, but I can hardly feel him anymore. Not since our lack of movement has made my entire body go numb.

I want to cower away, pretend I can’t hear him, but Nox will be gone soon, and I can’t bear not to give him anything he wants.

“Anything,” I whisper.

I can feel Nox’s throat bulge against my forehead as he swallows. “You can say no, Blaise. I won’t command you.”

My heart sinks, because I know whatever he asks of me is going to rip me to shreds, and I know just as surely that I won’t be able to refuse him.

“Try me,” I whisper into his coat.

“First, if you could look after Zora. She’s been released from her curse, but she’s yet to wake. I don’t know how long she’ll sleep, but if you could watch over her…”

“Of course. With my life.” It’s an easy answer, because I would have done it anyway, even if he never asked. “Something tells me that’s not all you want to ask.”

“I want you to kill me.”

I jolt away from him, clutching my chest like my ribs have splayed open and I’m trying to catch my heart before it falls out.

Nox’s arms hang limp by his side, and his brow knits together. “Him, I guess. Farin. I want you to kill him for me. The idea of him using my body for whatever he wishes—” He runs his fingers through his air, blowing out a foggy breath. “I don’t mean that you have to do it yourself. I’d never ask that of you. But if you ever mend your relationship with the Prince of Dwellen, if you’re ever in the position where you can influence someone to do it… Fates, I feel awful even asking this of you.”

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