Page 160 of A Throne of Blood and Ice

“You were speaking of a baby earlier. Of a baby your stepmother took from you.”

I’m sobbing now, and I don’t even realize it until my chest starts to convulse. “It was stillborn,” I whisper, “She…she didn’t check. She didn’t even look to see if it was a boy or a girl before she sent it away. But when I woke, she told me it had lived. That if I worked at the palace, sent her my paychecks, that one day she’d tell me where my baby was…I thought they were safe…I thought my baby… I didn’t mean to kill her,” I whisper.

When I open my eyes, I can hardly stand the look in Ellie’s eyes. It’s dark in the room, but I can see every tear mark staining her brown skin as she cries with me.

Ellie doesn’t smile; it’s more like a grimace. “I know you didn’t.”

“You shouldn’t be here. I’m not myself anymore. Something happened.”

“I know,” says Ellie, but she’s still stroking my hair. I shouldn’t let myself be comforted by her touch, not when Ellie Payne should hate me. Not when she deserves to hate me.

But I want so badly to be touched, to be held, so I let her.

“You don’t understand. You should be afraid of me. I could hurt you.” Clarissa’s blood might have satiated my hunger for the moment, but if I’ve learned anything from Nox, it’s that the hunger tends to return at the worst of times.

Ellie cups my cheeks in her palm, her brown eyes glinting in the light of the small tea candle beside the bed. “I’ve been frightened, Blaise. Ever since the guard came barreling into the hall and said you were gone, that someone had taken you. I’ve been terrified that I’d never see you again, that something awful was happening to you. We’ve been searching, day and night, but the trail went cold. It’s like you just vanished. We’ve had people looking everywhere for you. Tonight when a guard reported he’d seen someone sneaking into your father’s manor, we couldn’t even bring ourselves to hope.” She lets out a labored exhale as she fights back a sob and traces the dark circles underneath my eyes with her thumbs. “The only thing I’m afraid of is losing you again. Of losing my friend.”

My heart cracks wide open at the love I don’t deserve. “I’m so afraid I’ll hurt you again.”

A pained smile crosses her full lips. “You will,” she says, “and I’ll hurt you again too. I think maybe that’s part of it. Just something we’ll have to learn to get over.”

So I let Ellie hold me as I cry, as I mourn my baby and my humanity and Nox and all I’ve lost.

She tucks me into her chest and when I feel her heart pumping against my ear and my teeth jabbing through my gums at the smell, I silently tell them to go away and leave my friend alone.

And they do.

CHAPTER51

BLAISE

Iwake to whisperings, low and soft. Some rapid and concerned. Others weary and labored.

“She might not be in the best condition to answer your questions when she wakes,” says Andy.

“You’re coddling the girl as if she’s a child, but she’s killed a woman and clearly is not,” says a male with a low growl who I suppose is the King of Naenden. It’s strange to hear the condemnation in his voice when just last night, his touch seeped peace and comfort into my very bones.

I can’t decide if this makes me fear him less or more.

“Oh, and you’re one to point fingers regarding murder,” seethes Evander, and with my senses heightened, I feel Ellie’s hand grasp onto his arm.

I feel Queen Asha’s do the same with her husband, and though she’s yet to speak, it immediately cools the room.

When the king answers, his voice is calm. Even. “I don’t mean to condemn the girl. I only mean she is no longer the child you seem convinced that she is. Regardless of her motivations, regardless of whether that loathsome woman deserved it, your friend has taken the life of another. It will only do her more harm if you refuse to acknowledge how that has inherently altered her soul.”

Something pricks at my chest, or maybe it’s the tears stinging at my eyes.

I’ve only ever heard horror stories about the King of Naenden. It wasn’t much longer than a year ago that he, in a fit of rage, determined to take a bride from the humans of his kingdom, only to sacrifice her the night of the wedding, a process he meant to repeat every mooncycle.

Except Queen Asha had ruined his plans, soiled his intentions, wrecked his world.

I wonder if he surprised her with the same softness he’s shown me, or if it was the other way around. If she was the one to bring it out in him.

There’s something about that idea that makes me ache for Nox, but I shove his memory from my mind.

It’s no use thinking of him when I swore never to return.

When he hasn’t followed me.

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