Page 7 of Why Not Me?

He snorts as he licks my cheek before wiggling to get down. I rescued PeeWee four years ago when he was five. No one wanted him because he’s a mutt with only three legs. Grinning as he brings me a toy to throw, I pick it up and toss it down the hall. Not even a missing leg slows him down as he scrambles after it.

Tossing my jacket onto its hook, I go into the kitchen to grab a beer before dropping onto the couch. My cell finds its way into my hand, Allie’s contact information filling the screen, before I realize I was looking for it.

Seeing her again just reminded me of what I already knew, I should’ve never let her go. I made a choice, I should’ve stuck with it, but I was young and foolish. Memories of that night have haunted me since I hit “end” on the call.

Melissa is crying on the couch, her eyes following me as I hold my cell up to my ear and walk out onto the balcony.

The dial tone rings for a while before Allie’s voice comes on the line, muffled by loud dance music.

Shit, it’s girls’ night out and here I am taking the cowards way out. I know if I tried to do this face to face, I would never be able to follow through, but I need to. My life—it’s just not simple anymore.

The music is cut off, her soft voice coming across the line. I can hear her smile in how her voice sounds, but I couldn’t tell you what she’s saying. Turning to look into my apartment, I see Melissa typing away on her cell. Her face is flushed from her tears.

Clearing my throat, I try to detach myself from the situation. “I can’t see you anymore, Allie.”

Her voice changes, hurt filling it as she expresses her confusion. I say what I need to say to cut myself off from her before hanging up. Dropping my head into my hands, I allow myself a moment to grieve. This is not how this evening was supposed to go.

The door slides open.

“Is it over?” Melissa asks.

Nodding, I force myself to turn around.

She steps toward me, wrapping her arms around me. It feels wrong.

“Let’s just forget this happened, move on. We need to.” My arms hang limply at my side, I can’t bring myself to return her embrace.

“I know.” My voice is rough, but I take the hand she offers and follow her into the apartment. She’s right, in order for this to work we need to have a clean slate.

“You’re home. How did your self-torture go?” Josh appears in front of the blank screen of the television, a mocking smirk pointed in my direction.

Clicking my phone off, I lean my head back onto the cushion of the couch. “Shut up. It’s the least I can do after rear-ending her. Besides, she’s with that guy still. Anyway, I’m going to see her to explain what happened and we can leave it at that.”

“Whatever, bro, I may be younger than you, but it’s clear that I have the higher IQ. You’ve never been able to let her go, not really. And if she’s involved with someone, you being in her life is a mistake. Just let her go.” He crosses his arms, giving me a pointed look.

“Mind your own business,” I snap. “We’re not the same people. We’re older, wiser. I like to think we won’t make the same mistakes.”

His words hit me where it hurts, because I know he’s right. The chemistry between us is off the charts. I don’t want her to do anything she’ll regret. We’ve already made the mistake once. My words feel hollow even to my own ears, seven years later and nothing has changed, at least in how she makes me feel.

Downing the rest of my beer, I get up and head to the basement. Wrapping my wrists, I beat my frustration out on the punching bag. Somehow Allie and I have avoided running into each other for seven years, but less than a year after Melissa and I break up for good, suddenly our worlds have collided again.

Why does she have to be with someone? I don’t want to lose her from my life again. Telling her we were over was one of the worst moments I’ve experienced, and the only reason I was able to do it is because I took the coward’s way out and did it over the phone.

Typing in my code, my phone lights up to Allie’s information and I open a new message window.

The letters of the keyboard taunt me as I debate what to write. Shaking my head, I laugh at myself. It feels like I’m nineteen again.

Me:When can we have that discussion? I’d like to clear the air, maybe be friends?

Friends.That word sucks, but I won’t let her go again, so if friends are all we can be, then friends will have to do. There’s something about Allie, she fills a void I don’t know I have until she’s taken it away.

Allie:Friends, huh? We tried that seven years ago. We snuck around, nearly destroyed a relationship, and several people got hurt. That’s how great of friends we made.

Me:I was nineteen, you were twenty. I think we’re more in check with our hormones now.

Allie:I’m with Brendan right now, and I snuck into the bathroom to text you. It feels like foreshadowing of what’s to come. Or maybe a flashback of what was.

Me:It doesn’t need to be like last time. Think about it and get back to me. I miss you. We were friends first, Allie.

---