Page 47 of Why Not Me?

“What is it?” I’m curious, this is different than the hysterics she was in when we spoke on the phone and I told her what happened.

“I want you to know, I’m on your side with the whole Dawn and Brendan thing. She should’ve come to you before anything happened. I told her that.” Blake is serious, her eyes unhappy as she paces my living room. “I can’t believe she acted on it, and with everything that’s been going on.”

I hate that her concern for me is causing a rift between her and her twin, especially when she’s carrying a burden she doesn’t need to.

Sighing, I pat the couch next to me. “Blake, I’ve known for a long time that Dawn is attracted to Brendan. I’m glad they’re happy.” My voice is sincere because I truly mean the words.

Before Blake can reply, Dawn pokes her head in. “Hey.”

She comes in, hugging me as she sets a bottle of wine down on the table. Her and Blake are giving each other the side eye as she sits in the chair on my other side. This needs to end.

“Okay you two. Enough.” I stand up and cross my arms, ignoring the pain in my ribs. “Listen up, you need to stop arguing over this. I’m glad that you and Brendan are happy. I really don’t care that you didn’t talk to me about it, maybe before everything happened I would have, but not anymore.”

They finally start to relax, I know they will need to work this out between themselves later.

A knock on the door makes me tense, my eyes watchful as Blake gets up and opens the door. Only relaxing when I see the pizza in the guy’s hands, I turn back to my drink. Dawn’s eyes are watchful as Blake pays and brings the box of cheesy goodness to the table.

“How’re you doing?” Dawn’s voice is soft.

My heart starts pounding in my chest, I hate talking about it, but I know I need to get it out. I spared Landon many of the details, I just couldn’t bear to put that burden on him, but I know it’s different with Blake and Dawn.

“Everything’s different. I still feel him pressed against me, the cruelty in his intent. I’m forever grateful to whomever came to my rescue, and the worst part is I can’t even say thank you because they don’t want to be known. This town is different to me, my work is—just not the same anymore. It used to be a place I enjoyed, a place I actually looked forward to going to every day. That feeling is gone. There are days when I don’t even know how I’m going to leave the house.” My voice shakes. “Landon has been so great. I’m worried that he’s not going to want to deal with the repercussions of this. I haven’t been able to bring myself to have sex with him since then. He thinks it’s because of my ribs, but, in reality, sex is tainted. I feel like my body was stolen from me, even though nothing happened. Well, not nothing, you know what I mean.”

They listen as I cry through the myriad of feelings I get ambushed with every day. I can’t even imagine how someone who was raped deals with the emotions and the anger and the fear on a day to day basis.

“Allie, hardly any time has passed. No one expects you to just get over it. And if they do, they’re not worth your time.” Blake stands up, her voice defensive.

I know this, I really do, but I wish I could get over it. I just want to feel normal again.

“Things with Landon will come. You love each other. Talk to him, ease back into it at your own pace. Remember what he said to you, not to let anyone steal your joy. Don’t give that sicko that kind of power over your body.” Dawn comes over and takes my hand, her eyes wet with unshed tears.

Blake sits on my other side, taking my other hand, and for a little while we just sit there. I can feel their comfort flowing into me. I left the garden with so much resolve, but it’s amazing how quickly that dissipated.

“You’re right. I know none of this is my fault. And I don’t want him to have any power over me.” I squeeze their hands before letting go so we can eat.

My mind is going a mile a minute as I think about the best way to deal with this before I finally remember the card I was given when I was discharged from the hospital. The therapist specializes in victims of sexual assault, and I think that even just a few sessions will help me.

Maybe some people are strong enough to deal on their own, but I think having a professional to talk to will help me.

We eat in silence, lost in the dark place that comes when something horrible happens to you or someone you know. They both sense I need to shift gears, but I can tell they aren’t sure where to go from here.

Finishing off my slice of pizza, I sink into the couch getting cozy and angle my body toward Dawn. “Now, why don’t you tell me how the whole you and Brendan thing got started, I want to hear the dirt. Well, maybe not the naughty bits because awkward.” I grin at Dawn. I want to hear, but I also want to avoid talking about me right now. I still haven’t sorted out how to cope with everything.

“I went to his house for his birthday, brought him a tuxedo cupcake. We ended up sharing it and then he kissed me.” She blushes, chewing on her lower lip. “I’ve liked Brendan for a long time, and I loved kissing him, but I told him I wouldn’t be his rebound and left.”

She smirks, blushing a little more before she continues, “So we kept talking, but never broached the topic of the kiss again, so I let it go. Then one day he shows up at my door and says I’m not a rebound and asked to come in. I told him all I want is a fair chance and he promised me that’s what we would do, give ‘us’ a fair chance.”

She’s so happy, she’s glowing by the time she’s filled us in on everything that’s been happening since March.

“I’m so happy for you two. Seriously, I think you’re such a good match and I truly hope it works. I think I said the same thing to Landon not long after we started. All anyone really wants is a fair chance to get their happily ever after.” I smile, feeling my lips wobble a little with emotion. Leaning forward, I snag another piece of pizza to give me a chance to compose myself. I’ve been feeling so emotional lately.

“Yeah yeah. You’re happy, she’s happy. Now, let’s get on to the important shit. Girls’ trip. Florida. A sandy beach and my two best friends. It’s happening this year. I don’t want to go hiking. I don’t want to go to Vegas. I want to go to the beach. AndHarry Potter World.No more putting it off.” Blake points at us, her gaze no-nonsense.

Laughing we start planning our annual girls’ trip. It’s a nice reprieve to focus on something other than what happened. By the time they leave, I feel okay to crawl into my bed alone, something I wasn’t sure I would be after Landon took his stuff and went home for the night.

August

A fire crackles in the pit, the scent of burning pine filling our campsite. Allie loads the table with everything we need to cook dinner over the fire. Smiling as she hums, I get the grill ready while watching her. All the physical signs of her attack have vanished, her ribs healed and the bruises gone.

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