Page 30 of Why Not Me?

Clicking on the application, I fill out the extensive form. My fingers shake as I submit it, hoping that they feel I’m an appropriate home for him.

I pick up my phone when it pings, flipping it over and pausing when I see that Brendan has replied to my text message.

Brendan:Thanks, Allie.

He continues to type for several minutes, the little conversation bubble appearing and disappearing several times before another message pops up.

Brendan:I need to apologize for acting like an asshole. I was just missing you so much and lashed out because I knew you would let me. I know that breaking up was the right thing to do, but it took me a while to realize part of the void I was feeling was needing to rediscover myself. It took me a while to figure out what I want in my life.

A weight lifts off my shoulders as I read this. It didn’t sit well having him be so angry with me. It’s the last thing I wanted and the pain knowing I was the cause of him being so destroyed has made me feel slightly sick every day.

Me:I understand. It hasn’t been easy for me, either. I went from living in the dorms to living with you, it’s been lonely.

There’s a lengthy pause before he starts typing again.

Brendan:I know I don’t have the right to ask, but what about Landon?

Me:I still haven’t talked to him.

Brendan:Oh. Why?

Me:Bren, we were together for six years, it didn’t feel right. Besides, I’ve also needed this time to figure out who I am and who I want to be. If I’m being honest, it scared me to jump from something with you right to something with him. It would be like this cloud was hanging over anything that might have happened and I don’t want that.

Brendan:Do you think he’s waiting?

It’s weird to be talking about this with Brendan, but I can’t help but confide in him. After six years not having him as a sounding board has been a challenging adjustment. Not to mention his question is one that has crossed my mind. It’s been four months since we’ve spoken, maybe he thinks I backed out on my promise and moved on.

Me:If he didn’t then I guess we know it wouldn’t have worked out.

We chat for a few minutes longer, moving to more trivial conversation before saying goodbye.

Several hours later, I’m sitting in the parking lot outside Landon’s physical therapy practice. It’s five minutes until he locks the doors and only his car is in the parking lot. Running my hands over my thighs, I turn my car off and grab my purse.

The beep of the lock makes me jump. Laughing at myself, I shake my head and take the fifteen steps to the front door. The bell chimes as I push it open, Landon’s voice carrying out from his office.

“I’ll be right with you.”

The next minute drags as I sit down to wait, bolting upright when Landon comes out of his office, eyes scanning a piece of paper in his hand.

“I’m afraid we’re closing right now, but I can book you—” His tone is professional as he continues to scan the document he’s carrying. He looks up, pausing when he sees me standing in the entrance.

“Hey.” My voice is soft. I can’t help but scan his body, drinking in the sight of him. He looks so good, his hair tousled from running his fingers through it. God, I’ve missed him. Unlike when he ended things with me, this time I let myself think about him. Constantly.

“Hey.” His voice is low and a little hoarse, eyes devouring me before he locks his gaze onto mine. “I was starting to think I would never hear from you again.”

Taking a tentative step toward him, I lick my lips and clear my throat. It’s taking everything I have not to leap into his arms. It’s been awful not talking to him, leaving him in the dark, but I knew if I told him about the breakup I would’ve been more likely to give in to the temptation of reaching out.

“I know. I’m sorry.” Taking another step toward him, I continue, “The night we kissed, I went home and ended things with Brendan.” I try to keep my voice steady, calm, but inside I’m a quivering mess.

Landon inhales sharply, his blue eyes locked on me. We stare at each other and I know he’s waiting for me to fill in some blanks.

“I needed the time because we had to sell our condo. I had to find a new place and move, and I needed to be on my own for a while. You tend to cloud my mind and I needed to show Brendan, and myself, that our breakup was for a myriad of reasons, not just because of how I feel about you.”

Stepping forward again, I stop once there is a foot of space between us.

“I don’t know if you’re—”

“I am.” He closes the distance, placing one hand on my hip and weaving the other into my hair.

---