Page 29 of Why Not Me?

Rolling off the bed, I plug my phone in and change into my pajamas. My bathroom echoes as I go through my nightly routine and I mentally add some decorations to my shopping list. It’s a large room and it feels empty. Lonely. Half of the counter is empty, the second sink looking bare without anything surrounding it. Closing my eyes, I fight back tears. This is the right choice, but the hole feels big. With a deep breath, I open my eyes and spread my stuff out across the entire counter until it doesn’t look like one half is waiting for its person.

Shutting off the lights, I stare out the window and look at my new view. It’s beautiful, but foreign. Shivering, I finally crawl into bed and wrap myself into my new sheets, breathing in the smell of my laundry detergent. I’m exhausted and, despite the fact my bed feels empty, I fall asleep quickly.

I’m soaking in my huge tub, contemplating everything that’s happened. If you would have asked me a year ago where I thought I’d be now, this wouldn’t even crack the top one hundred scenarios.

My cell rings, interrupting my thoughts. Brendan’s name flashes across the screen.

We’ve spoken periodically, out of loneliness and habit. It’s usually quick, amicable, with an abrupt goodbye because we don’t really know how to speak to each other anymore.

“Hey. Is everything okay?” I answer. Things have been quiet, and I know we both need to start giving each other some space.

“What does he have that I don’t? Why him? Why not me?” His voice is sharp, laced with hurt and anger.

I breathe in deeply, my heart taking a beating by those questions and the sadness behind them. The worst part of all of this is the fact I hurt someone so close to me. That I caused someone to ask the same question that haunted me for so long.

The room blurs as my eyes fill with tears and I try to formulate an answer that he deserves.

“Nothing. He doesn’t have anything you’re missing. There was just a piece missing between you and me. I hate that you’re asking the same question that plagued me. In another life, maybe we would have been perfect for each other, but not this one. I’m sorry, Brendan. I wish things were different. I want you to know that. I wish with my whole being that I could turn a switch and our relationship could be everything that both of us need. I just can’t.” I choke up as I talk. Hearing his voice, it makes me realize how much I miss him, his friendship and the aspects of our relationship that we excelled at.

“The end of us felt too easy. It was too smooth.” His voice is thick, the way it gets when he’s holding off tears.

I laugh, the sound harsh in my own head. “I’ve never cried so much in my life. Trust me, Brendan, nothing about this has been easy.”

He takes a deep breath. “I guess I know that. I just miss you, Allie. I fucking miss you so much. You’re my best friend and now there’s a hole that’s gaping and I don’t know how to fill it.”

“I miss you too.” Tucking my legs up, I can’t hold back the shiver that wracks my body despite the warm water. “I think we both kind of lost ourselves into our routine. We need to find out who we are as individuals again. Bren, you used to do so many things. We both did. When did that end? How do we pick it back up again? There is no easy answer, but all we can do is try.”

“I know—I need to go, Allie. I just—I can’t talk rationally with you right now, not like we used to. And I don’t want to yell at you either.” The phone clicks silent. I set my cell down and sink under the water, the never-ending ache in my chest flaring.

We both got so lost when we were together, I know I forgot how to be on my own. How to fill my time and not feel empty. It’s something I’ve been working on.

Blake and I have started doing yoga together twice a week and I’m exploring other things I used to enjoy, see what will fit into this new life I’m creating.

March

Tapping my fingers on the table, I contemplate the text message I just typed out. It’s been so long since we’ve talked. Are my words too trivial? Should I even bother? Squeezing my eyes shut, I try to think how I would feel if our roles were reversed.

Sucking it up, I press send. The message is a simple “Happy Birthday.”

It was excruciatingly painful having Brendan ask me why Landon over him, something I have experience torturing myself over. It’s haunted me for months.

I haven’t talked to him since the day he showed up at my door steaming mad before deflating and telling me he just needed time before he could look at me. That was in January.

Today is his birthday though and the idea of not acknowledging it is worse than him ignoring me or getting mad at me again.

Flipping my phone onto its face, I lift the lid to my laptop and start scrolling the cats available for adoption on a local rescues website. True to my word, I haven’t talked to Landon since the breakup. I needed to give myself time to be just me. I also needed to show Brendan the breakup was due to more than my feelings for someone else. However, it’s been a lonely several months.

Landon never strays far from my mind and I want to reach out to him, but I also don’t want to hurt Brendan any more than I already have. I miss them both, but for very different reasons. In the past three months, I’ve never felt more alone or more torn in two. Torn between keeping Brendan from hurting more than I’ve already caused or reaching out to Landon and filling the gaping hole his absence has created.

Yet, if I’m being honest, I’ve learned so much about myself in the past several months. I took a writing class. I learned how to fix the toilet when it broke. And I started swimming every morning before work. As time has passed, my loneliness is there, but it’s different. It’s not out of a desperate need to be with someone, but now it’s to find a person to compliment the life I’ve started to develop. That feeling is how I know I’m ready to pursue something with Landon, if he’s still interested.

I scroll through photos of adorable cats, trying to find the right one. I’ve always wanted a cat, but Brendan is allergic so I could never adopt one. Now that I’m completely settled into my apartment and have established a new routine, I’m ready to open my home to one. I don’t want to come home to an empty house anymore, so I can’t wait to adopt a feline companion.

I’m looking for close to an hour when I finally find the one. He’s a four-year-old black cat that’s been with the rescue for three and a half years. His eyes are sad and my heart aches for him. Clicking on his photo to “learn more,” I read through his profile and find my heart breaking even more.

He was thrown out of a vehicle in the middle of January when he was just a kitten. People saw it happen and tried to catch him, but he was too skittish so they called the animal rescue. They were able to catch him, but not before he lost the tips of his ears and tail to frostbite. That combined with some neurological damage from the impact, he’s considered a special needs cat. Many people have come to meet him, but since he’s standoffish and takes a long time to trust no one has wanted to bring him home.

He’s the one, this cat that they’ve named Blade.

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