Pausing outside our door, I try to prepare myself for what I’m about to do, but there is no possible way I’m ready for this. I know I need to do it. I know he deserves someone who loves him and is tied to him in the way two people bound together should.
I take a deep breath, filling my lungs and holding the air until it hurts, before releasing it and opening the door.
I look up, Brendan is approaching me with a glass of wine and a hopeful smile. I start taking my coat off, his hands helping me, before he leans down to kiss my neck. I freeze, my heart cracking underneath the feelings of loss and guilt.
Turning, I look up at him and I know he sees it. He sees how red and puffy the skin around my eyes is. He sees the glassy sheen of unshed tears. And he sees the look of decision and sadness.
Opening my mouth, I freeze when Brendan starts backing away, his hands up, his head shaking. “No. No, no, no, no.”
A tear falls down my cheek, his eyes tracking its glistening path until it stops at the corner of my mouth. Ignoring the wine, I follow him into the condo, reaching out to take his hand. The tiniest weight lifts when he lets me take it and I lead him to the couch.
We sit next to each other in silence, the words I need to say are heavy in the air. He knows exactly what’s coming, I think a part of him even knew this morning. I couldn’t bring myself to fake being happy when I knew I was going to do this eventually. I swallow the lump in my throat and wipe my tears away, only to have my vision blurred with more. Neither of us is ready for this, but it’s necessary, for both of us.
“I can’t do this anymore. Us, it’s not working and it hasn’t been for a while now.” I choke out the words, watching as his face cracks and he starts to shake his head in denial.
“We can get through this.” His voice is a whisper. “There isn’t anything that we can’t work through. That’s all we need, we just need to put in the work.”
Dropping my head into my hands, my head moving side to side as I voice the words I know will crush him, the words I promised myself I would never have to say. “I kissed Landon.” My voice cracks, breaks as sobs wrack my body when I look up to meet his gaze head on. He deserves to have that. I won’t hide from him. “I’m so sorry, it just happened, tonight. It’s the first time we’ve crossed the line.”
“Okay.” His response isn’t what I expected, neither is the monotone tone of voice. It carries no feeling, no surprise or anger. No emotion.
“I stopped it and left. Even if we hadn’t kissed, I’ve felt for a while that things haven’t been right between us, that something’s missing. I just can’t ignore it anymore. It’s not fair to you, it’s not fair to us, and it’s not fair to me.” Wringing my hands together, I try to maintain some level of composure, but my heart hurts.
Things with Brendan aren’t working, but I still love him and the knowledge that I’m hurting him, it’s the worst feeling.
He reaches for me and pulls me into his lap. I lean into his hand when he cups my cheek, closing my eyes as he brushes a tear away. “I’ve felt it too. I just didn’t want to admit it.”
I nod, unsurprised by his admission. There’s no sense in pretending that things haven’t been the best between us on the intimacy front. We’ve felt more like roommates with the occasional benefits than a real, head over heels couple.
“It doesn’t mean I don’t love you. We can work through this, we can find what’s missing. Fix it.” He slides his hands down my arms and grips my elbows as he pleads with me, unwilling to fully let go even knowing things aren’t working.
We’ve been together for six years, neither of us can imagine not seeing each other every day, I know it would be easy to let the comfort and safety of our relationship keep us here.
“I love you too—I just—I don’t think it’s the right kind of love. And I think the past couple of years culminating in what happened tonight, it feels like we’re forcing something to be more than what it is. You’re my best friend, Brendan. I love you. But I think if you look deep into your heart, you know I’m right when I say that this feels like an inevitable conclusion.” My voice is quiet, I can feel the strain in my face, the tension is making my entire body tremble. I look into his eyes, searching. “I think we’re both so comfortable, the idea of starting over scares us and that’s where the urge to make this into what it isn’t comes from.”
Grunting, he tilts his head back, his eyes squeezed shut as he fights the urge to cling to our comfort zone.
I bury my face into his neck, wrapping my arms around him. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry too.” He holds me close, using each other so we don’t fall apart. “How did we get here?” He sounds defeated, heartbroken.
I laugh through my tears before pulling back to wipe my eyes. “I don’t know. I guess we both didn’t want to admit that we’re better as friends, that maybe we were trying for something that wasn’t there. At least not for the long run.”
Sighing, he tucks my hair behind my ear. He squeezes the back of his neck before eyeing me warily. “Landon?”
I shake my head, gnawing on my lower lip before releasing it to give him a small smile when he runs his thumb over it. “I need some time to just be me. I can’t deny that the feelings are there. I won’t lie about that, but I’m not going to jump from this to that. I feel like it would be disrespectful to what we had.”
Sliding off his lap and I get up to grab both of our glasses of wine, settling in next to him. The knot in my chest loosens as we talk, figuring out what comes next. For the first time in over six years, we don’t really know what tomorrow brings.
Linking my fingers through his, I squeeze. “We’ll work through this together. If we’re good at anything, it’s helping each other through the tough times.”
“Friends always, right?” He gives me a small smile.
I return it, a bit of the heaviness lifting from my chest as my eyes fill again, this time with a little bit of hope. “Always.”
My phone rings shortly after eleven. I’ve been driving my brothers nuts with my pacing so their collective sighs of relief when they see Allie’s name on the screen isn’t a surprise.
Josh tosses me my phone. My thumb is shaking as I swipe to answer.