Page 13 of Why Not Me?

I won’t lie to him, he’ll see right through it, and if we’re going to be friends, I need to be clear. The boundaries are already blurring and I can’t seem to stop toeing the line. I know it’s wrong, I know I would be upset if Brendan was behaving this way, yet here I am. That thought gives me pause and I pull out my cell to send him a quick text. He deserves to know where I am—and who I’m with.

Me:Hi. I know you’re with clients, but I wanted to let you know Landon invited me for a drink. We’re at McLaughlin’s.

Sliding my phone back into its pocket, I resume tapping my fingers on the table.

“Would he be upset if you’d been talking to Blake or Dawn?” His tone is curious, but there is something else I can’t quite figure out. He leans back, his knee brushing mine as he stretches out.

Glaring at him, I shift my knee away. “It’s different, and you know it.”

He sighs and scrubs a hand over his face. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m being an ass, it’s just so difficult being near you and knowing I can’t brush your hair away from you face or hold your hand in mine.” He laughs bitterly, shaking his head. “That’s my fault and I hate myself for it.”

It’s at this moment that a server finally appears to take our drink orders. I don’t look away from Landon, his form blurring a bit as he orders a margarita for me, my favorite, and a beer for himself.

Chewing on my lower lip, I look down for a moment until I feel strong enough to meet his steady gaze and hold it.

“Landon, please don’t.” Despite my best intentions, the words are laced with pain. Looking down, I whisper the words I can’t say while staring into those piercing blue eyes. “Maybe this is too hard. I can’t do this if it’s going to undermine my relationship with Brendan. I can’t do this if the conversation turns to topics he couldn’t be present to listen to. I won’t do it. I can’t go through this again, I can’t do that to him or myself.”

“Shit, Allie, I’m sorry.” His voice is hoarse, strained. “I can do this. I swear. I want you in my life. It’s not too hard, we can be friends.”

My knuckles turn white as I grip the edge of the table. He means the words he says, I know he does, but I can feel it in every fiber of my being that saying the words and meaning them is completely different from following through with the intent.

Releasing my grasp on the table, I smooth invisible wrinkles out as I lift my head once more. His gaze is pained, repentant. “I want you in my life too.”

I do. I will cut him out if I need to, but the thought of losing him for a second time is so painful, I need to close my eyes. Why is life so cruel? Things didn’t work back then and now we’re in a situation where both of us are going to get hurt, it’s not a matter of if, but when. The feelings between us are too intense and my heart still has cracks in it from the first time.

He sags in relief, giving me a lopsided grin. I can tell by the look he shoots in my direction that his heart still hurts too.

For the longest time I thought it was one-sided, but now I know better. That night we were both wrecked and yet here we are, repeating history. Both of us know it, neither of us strong enough to stop it. But maybe I am strong enough, maybe I can keep the boundaries. We’re older, wiser, and I like to think I’m capable of controlling myself.

Our drinks arrive and we fall into easy conversation as one drink turns into two, the awkwardness fading into the background. I don’t know how much times passes, but our glasses are empty and the pub is near empty when my phone dings with a text.

Brendan:You sure are beautiful when you smile like that.

Snapping my head up, I search the bar, my smile becoming slightly forced when I see him meandering through the tables toward us. I automatically glance at Landon when Brendan slides into the booth next to me, his arm wrapping around my shoulders as he pulls me in for a hug and a kiss.

It’s not possessive or jealous, it’s just Brendan, and yet—him just showing up puts a weird feeling in my chest.

I meet Landon’s gaze once more, the introduction falling from my lips when I see the strained smile on his face. Clearing my throat, I pull my lips into a bright smile. “Brendan, this is Landon. Landon, this is my boyfriend, Brendan.”

Despite my history with Landon, Brendan’s smile is friendly as he reaches across the table to shake Landon’s hand. I filled him in this morning on everything up to this point, and in true Brendan fashion, he was completely understanding and supportive.

My heart pounds in my chest as two different aspects of my life collide, my ears ringing as Brendan strikes up a conversation with Landon about his work. Brendan sips his beer, his eyes light with interest. He seems completely oblivious to the tension surrounding us as I shoot furtive glances across the table.

This is what I was worried about. This feeling of doing something that I shouldn’t. This time the excitement is gone, because even with the guilt, sneaking around with Landon always had an element of excitement. The thrill of doing something I know is wrong isn’t there, at least I know I’ve learned something.

I sag in relief when the bartender rings the bell announcing last call. Brendan glances down at me in confusion over my physical reaction to the bell, while Landon throws a bunch of bills onto the table and slides out of the booth.

The silence is awkward as we walk out together, pausing by Brendan’s car. With a lingering kiss and a promise from me that I’ll be home soon, Brendan turns to Landon and shakes his hand again.

“It was nice to meet you.” His voice is genuine, one hundred percent Brendan.

Landon glances down to the firm grasp Brendan has on his hand before giving him a small smile. “Likewise.”

They drop hands and Brendan slides into his car and shuts the door. As he drives away, I hustle to my car with my head dropped low, a heavy weight settling over me. Landon creates a wall of heat in the chill of the night air as he walks me to my car.

My skin is tingling and my heart is pounding while I try to think of something to say that will fill the silence but is safe.

“He doesn’t like me,” Landon says in a quiet voice before I can come up with something to say. He glances down at me as we reach my car, waiting for my response. My car beeps as I unlock it and he opens the door for me, but I don’t get in.

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