Page 20 of Why Not Me?

“I know.” I sigh, my eyes burning. “I’ve been thinking about it since last night, and all day today. I’m sorting through it, everyone just needs to give me some time.”

“Don’t take too much time, you don’t have that luxury.” She says goodbye and we hang up, the phone blurry as I stare at it.

I hear the front door open, so I shake it off, take a sip of wine, and pop my head out of the kitchen to greet Brendan.

“Just in time. Dinner is ready, and I boughtGuardians of the Galaxy Volume Two,I know we missed it in theaters because of me, so I thought we could shut our phones off, have a nice dinner, and then watch both movies back to back.” I smile at him, and then duck back into the kitchen to set the table.

I’m setting the salad I made on the table when he strides toward me and pulls me into his arms. Sinking into him, I breathe in the fresh scent of winter air and the soap from his shower this morning. We cling to each other, both knowing something needs to change, but neither of us sure what that means.

He breathes in deep, before brushing my hair to the side and kissing my neck. “That sounds like a perfect evening.”

For the first time in a long time, neither of our phones are sitting next to us as we eat. Instead, we just talk. We talk about books we’re reading or want to read. We talk about funny things we noticed over the day.

It’s nice, and as we eat, I think about how much I would miss this if it was gone.

“I had coffee with Dawn today,” Brendan mentions as we’re cleaning up, my hand pauses on the lid of the plastic container I’m closing. I don’t want him to know she called me.

I press the lid down and put the container in the fridge before turning to smile at him as I shut the door. “Oh nice. I’ve been meaning to text her and Blake to make plans for this week.”

He looks a little disappointed, like he wishes I would ask what they talked about, but I know if I ask he will tell me, and I’m not ready to have that conversation yet.

Instead, I grab some popcorn and fill the air popper while he gets the movie ready. Turning off the lights, we settle on the couch next to each other. I shift over and curl into his side, needing to giveusone hundred percent of my focus.

Every so often Landon will pop up in my head, but I shove him away and focus on relaxing. I feel Brendan’s eyes on me throughout the movie, I can feel the weight of his conversation with Dawn. I don’t doubt she told him he needs to talk to me, that we need to figure out what we’re doing, but I’m choosing to leave the discussion alone for now. We’re not ready to make any decisions, or, I should say, I’m not ready.

Hanging up, I turn and smile at Brendan. We just finished eating breakfast in bed, enjoying a leisurely morning together. “I officially have the day off tomorrow. What do you want to do?”

Shutting down my cell, I put it in my nightstand. Out of sight, out of mind. Brendan leans over and wraps his arms around me, the familiar comforting scent of his shampoo easing the anxiety I feel over turning my phone off.

My mind has been entirely focused on us and figuring out where we go from here for the past thirty-six hours. I need to figure out exactly how I feel about my relationship and the only way I can fairly do that is to give Brendan one hundred percent of my focus. I made a commitment to him, and I need to respect that now more than ever. I know I can’t always leave my phone off, but I also know we’re at a turning point.

For the first time in our relationship, we’re experiencing something that’s putting a strain on the ease we’ve always managed to have. In six years we’ve never gotten into a major fight, things have just been comfortable, easy. At first, I enjoyed the fact that we didn’t have the overwhelming passion that I had with Landon, that passion was what landed me with a broken heart. Now I realize that I need to decide whether my relationship with Brendan is more than a safe escape. It feels terrible to think that way, he’s my best friend, but for this to work we need to ignite the flame.

“Why don’t we go away for a couple nights. There’s a cute little inn not too far from here. We can go snowshoeing and just relax. I believe they offer couples spa treatments.” Brendan smiles as I perk up at the suggestion.

We haven’t gotten around to planning a vacation and getting away sounds perfect. We’ll be busy enough that I hopefully won’t be distracted by anything—or anyone—else. Having Landon back in my life has thrown me for a curveball. I thought I had everything figured out and that I was on a path I was happy with.

Now, I’m not so sure. I just need to figure out if it’s because of the haze I’m in whenever I’m near Landon, or if this feeling is something that won’t go away. Even before Landon reappeared in my life, I was searching for something, but now I need to know whether what I’m searching for is here or if I’m trying to make something work that isn’t meant to.

“That sounds perfect. I’ll pack for us while you call and book us a room.” Grinning, I turn toward our bedroom as he dials.

Three hours later we’re pulling up to a gorgeous little inn. It’s painted a dark green, which stands out against the starkness of the white snow. Smoke billows out of the chimney where a wood burning fireplace must be. The website states that they offer complimentary coffee and hot chocolate. It’s been a long time since I’ve cozied up in front of a fire with a cup of hot chocolate.

It doesn’t take long to check in and get settled into our room. I turn from freshening up in the bathroom to see Brendan lying on the bed, his smile suggestive.

Despite the beauty of the scenery through the glass French doors and the romantic feel of the room, I don’t feel the urge to be intimate with Brendan. Shouldn’t I want it more?

When his smile begins to fall as I just stand there instead of joining him right away, I push myself forward, returning with a smile that pulls his lips up once again. This time with him is all about seeing if we can rekindle what’s missing in our relationship. Sometimes we need to put a little effort into lighting the fire.

His lips caress mine as soon as I’m on the bed, our kiss quickly deepening and progressing. He’s doing everything right and my body is enjoying it, but something is still missing. It’s this way every time we have sex and I don’t know why. I’ve always put it out of my mind, but no matter how hard I try, it lingers.

Ignoring the doubt that seeps like poison into my mind, I put everything I have into being present with Brendan. I’m sure every couple goes through these dry spells, I just need to push through. The little voice in my head whispers that sex has never been strong in our relationship, Brendan getting more out of it than I do.

Shutting it out, I pull him down so I can kiss him. I take over, trying to show him, and myself, that we can make this work. That six years together has created something worth fighting for.

We move together, our bodies familiar with what the other needs until Brendan finds his release. Chewing on my lip, I hold him close, searching for the familiar comfort in the safety of his arms.

Smiling as he rolls away from me and props himself up on one arm, I brush a curl off his forehead. His hair is wild and makes me giggle.

---