Page 81 of Until Forever

“I can’t talk to him right now. I don’t want to hurt him.”

This I mean, and it’s more genuine than anything I’ve ever said in my life. She shakes her head again in irritation.

“You think this—leaving and sending him a shitty text—isn’t going to hurt him?” she asks sharply. “Not to mention he’s one of Greg’s good friends. Jesus, Maddy!”

I scowl at her.

“That’s what this is about? You’re worried about what Greg’s going to say?” I fire back. Of course this is about her long-time perfect boyfriend who sort of is the reason that me and Ryan are together. That should have been my first huge red flag. She huffs and throws a kitchen towel down on the counter.

“Of course not, this is about doing the right thing!”

“I’m just not ready, okay!” I bark back and she throws her head back in frustration.

“How many times are you going to do this?” This time her tone is gentler but still sharp, like one of her carving knives.

“Do what? This is the first time I’ve been proposed to that I know of!” I joke lightly, trying to ease the tension in the room. But she’s not backing down.

“Terry!” she says, putting up a finger.

“Terry was not like this at all. We dated for three months and he got super clingy and weird…” I explain.

“Marcus.” She’s holding up two fingers now.

“Marcus wanted kids, you know that’s nowhere in my future anytime soon.”

“Clint…” She’s holding up three now, and I’m starting to feel panicked. I don’t need this shit right now. I came here to get away from the panic, the nervousness, the dread…and she’s making it worse.

“Clint wanted different things than I did!” I yell. Which is the truth. He wanted commitment and I wanted anything but.

“And now Ryan. I thought when you hit a year, you were growing up and outgrew whatever commitaphobia you had, but I was wrong.”

“Jesus, I came here for a little support, some sisterly advice, not to get lectured into feeling like a selfish bitch!” I shriek at her, folding my arms across my chest, fighting the tears behind my eyes. Her expression eases just a tad. She walks over to me and puts a hand on my shoulder.

“I know you don’t mean to hurt people, but you are. You can’t keep doing this. If you do, you’re going to wake up old and alone, and I don’t want that for you. I love you but you can’t keep making these stupid decisions based on one selfish prick’s choice to abandon us.”

“This isn’t about him,” I murmur pointedly but she rolls her eyes knowingly.

She gives me a sharp look but then lets out a yawn.

“I’ve got an early morning baby shower I have to set up for. You can have the guest room, since you’re virtually homeless now.” Her words are harsh but she relents, giving me a soft kiss on the cheek and wordlessly leaving the kitchen. It’s just me and the biscuits now, and they don’t taste as good as they did earlier.

My eyes are heavy but I plow them open. It’s freezing, thanks to Mel’s preferred room temperature being frigid bitch. I grab my phone and see ten missed calls and four unread texts from Ryan. I throw my head back onto the bed and wish for sleep, but with the beaming sun penetrating the room through Mel’s large picture windows, it’s hopeless. I let out a deep breath and open the text messages.

The first is a Hey babe where'd you go.

Then.

Mads what's going on?

Finally.

You went through my stuff?

And I assume when he inevitably notices that most of my important things have disappeared, the phone calls begin. I don't know what to say to him, which is the reason I left. It's not that I'm afraid of conflict because I had no problem conflicting the hell out of my ex when I found out he was banging his coworker.

It's explaining to Ryan that there's nothing he can do to fix it. To fix me.

It's not as if he had no warning. I let him know in the beginning that I had issues, specifically with trust, and unlike most girls who say that fun is all they want and they don't need commitment, I really meant it.

---