Page 75 of Little Broken Pieces

Fuck it. I grab my keys, jump in the car and head over to the gym he usually trains at on campus.

The building is huge, housing every type of sport known to man when it comes to the Olympics. The large brick building has tall windows showcasing state-of-the-art equipment inside and a huge swimming pool surrounded by a racetrack.

Butterflies attack my stomach as I walk up to this building. I have a fear of him getting mad at me for showing up here. Much like my ex would. It makes me second guess showing up here. The trust issues from my previous relationship are raining over my current one, accompanied by a black storm cloud. I hate that he still has that power over me. I should leave, I shouldn’t be here, but at the same time, Kohen left me without a goodbye and in such a bad mood.

My mind is conflicted between its usual toxicity and caring that I may have hurt him in some way. Why the fuck am I like this? This is why I wanted nothing to do with him, why I never want anything serious with anyone. I don’t want to have feelings- I want to be the cold-hearted bitch I always am so I don't get hurt. Being lied to, used and disrespected for most of my teenage life was enough hurt for one lifetime. Everyone that has ever claimed to love me has broken my heart or my trust in one way or another. Except Cora. She knows me better than everyone and is one of the only people who loves me, even though it’s hard.

I wish I was easier to love but the world made me this way and there isn't much I can do about it now. I turn to walk away. This is stupid.Ilook fucking stupid standing here. If he didn’t care enough about me to say bye or even finish the conversation, then why the fuck should I care if he is in there fucking someone in the locker room? I don’t.

I unlock my car, climb inside, push the stupid start button, and throw it in drive. I look up to check my surroundings, making sure it’s okay to go, and I see him. The cocky asshole of my dreams is leaning against his big stupid truck,smiling.He looks so fucking good with his wrinkly white t-shirt, grey sweatpants and black gym bag slung across his muscular chest. His look is complete with the dimple on his cheek making a full appearance.

I melt, every single piece of mistrust, anger and pettiness washed away by this stupid, stupid guy. He begins to walk over to my car and I put it back in park and shut it off. The butterflies are back but this time I welcome them. I get out of the car and rush to him. He meets me halfway with arms wide open and I hate it, but his embrace feels like home.

I breathe him in, the strawberry leather scent making me dizzy.

“I’m so sorry, Angel,” he says, the gravelly sound of his voice dripping with sincerity. My throat tightens and I bury my face into his chest, hiding the way my body reacts to him. “I shouldn’t have left like that,” he continues as he cradles the back of my head in his hand. I can’t respond yet so I stay silent, hoping he keeps talking so I don’t have to.

Tears threaten to escape me and I don’t know why. I don’t want to cry. I didn’t even realize I was sad. All I felt was anger. I shake my head and pull back, looking up at him.

An emotion I don’t recognize spreads across his face and my stomach turns. Before I can decipher what it is, it’s gone.

“Why are you crying, baby?” he asks, his thumbs wiping away at the wetness coating my cheeks. He leans down to kiss me and I feel confused. The emotions swirling inside me are foreign and I’m not sure how to handle them.

“I don’t know why I’m crying,” I admit. This man has some sort of magical powers that make me vulnerable and I don’t like it. I don’t like anything about this situation-ship at all. It’s not what I wanted but here I am in the thick of it.

"Why did you leave like that?” I ask him, more tears falling unwillingly. If I could force them away, I would. I feel weak.Hemakes me weak.

“I wanted to leave before I said anything I would regret. I needed to work off some of the aggression I was feeling about you never opening up to me.”

I look away from his gorgeous face, ashamed that I pushed him to the point of wanting to get away from me. Self-sabotage is my bestie. “I don’t know how to open up to you without feeling weak. You could break me, Kohen. You could break what’s left of my heart to dust.” I take a step back from him, needing space, but he doesn’t allow it. He’s eating up what I put between us and pulling me to him by the waist.

“You are one of the most powerful women I have ever met. It’s why I like you. From the moment I first saw you, I knew you were a force to be reckoned with.” He pushes my hair behind my ear and cups my cheek. “Come on, let’s get in the car. It looks like it’s about to rain.”

I look up at the sky and dark clouds now possess the place where the sun was shining before. Texas weather is so bipolar. We climb into my little Nissan and as always, there is an energy between us that feels like a tangible force. Our eyes meet and a little smirk plays on his lips, but I’m not ready to be playful. He scared me, I was scared to lose him.

“Not funny,” I say, breaking our connection.

His smile falters. “What's not funny?” He reaches for my thigh, and I shift away from him before he can make contact with my skin. “What's wrong?”

“I don’t like how I fucking feel right now.” Anger starts to rise within me, protecting my vulnerability no doubt. “I came here because you just left. You left like I was nothing”.

“Angel, I said…”

I interrupt him. “You’re sorry. I know, but it doesn’t change the fact that you left. I know I didn’t open up. I know I’m hard to love- or like, I mean- but I don't deserve to be walked out on. Like I don’t matter at all.” I’m crying again and he tries to touch me.

“Don't touch me, please. If you touch me, I'll melt and I don't want to melt. I want you to know how I’m feeling.”

He sits quietly with his hands settled on his gym bag and waits for me to go on.

“I’m scared,'' I begin. “I don't like how I feel when I’m around you, mostly because I do like it.”

Confusion is etched on his face and I continue before he starts to speak. I only have the courage to do this once. “I was scared to lose you tonight, scared because you make me feel safe, and I hate that because I want to feel safe by myself. I don't want a man to be my safety net because men leave.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Angel,” he reassures me.

“I’m not finished. Today, you walked out that door angry at me for not opening up, but I’m trying. I’m trying my best. My whole life I've had to hide how I feel so that I could be strong. With you, it’s like I don't have to always be strong, but that scares me too. I’m telling you this now, scared as hell, because you can turn around and weaponize it. Like my mom did, my ex, and all the shitty people who have been in and out of my life. That is why I don't open up. I know you’ve been patient and I appreciate it but I need to know you won’t do this again. Because if you do, all the work you have done breaking down the walls I’ve built up will be for nothing.” I look at him to gauge his understanding.

“I got you, Angel. I’m sorry, baby. I’m so fucking sorry. I won’t ever walk away again but you’ve got to give me something, at least sometimes. Like this now, it’s so fucking sexy hearing you tell me how you feel. My dick is so fucking hard.” He reaches for my thigh. This time I let him touch me. “Seriously, though, I promise I won’t ever hurt your heart. Unfortunately, I can't make the same promise for your body,” he smirks.

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