Page 76 of Silver Fake

Another tear trickles down my face, and I don't try to hide as I wipe it away with the back of my hand this time.

"I know, but…" I pause to regain control over my voice as another round of sobs tries to claw its way up from my broken heart. "God," I drop my face in my hands, "how could I let it slip that I love him in that moment? At the very moment he was breaking my heart? I just can't believe I let those words slip out. He didn't deserve them."

Denise moves further to the edge of her seat and reaches over, putting her hands on my knees.

"Are you upset with yourself for saying you love him at a time he didn't deserve to hear it? Or are you upset because even with how bad he hurt you, you are still in love with him?"

There are no longer random tears sneaking down my face. Now they are pouring out, flooding my cheeks and I can feel my eyelids getting puffy again.

At this rate, I'm worried the swelling from crying may never go away.

I don't have to see my face to know it is red as a beet, either. I suck in a couple of sharp breaths, trying to stop myself before I go into a full-on sobbing session.

Denise reaches forward and pulls my hands away from my face. It takes me a minute to pull it together and look up at her.

"I wish I could turn it off. The things he said to me were so horrible. He has no faith in me. It's like he's been waiting for the worst of me to come out all this time. And this one thing gave him the fuel he needed to tell me how he feels about me. One stupid thing that was all about work and not related to our personal relationship, and he dismisses what we've had together and all the ways I've shown him I wasn't going to leave him. I just can't believe he thought so little of me."

Denise gets up from her chair and moves to the couch with me. Sitting next to me, she puts her arm around my shoulders, and I lean my head on hers. We sit quietly like that for a while, with her just offering me comfort while I take a breath and try not to get caught up in my emotions again. I've done enough crying, and it's exhausting.

"It's been so long since I've dated or loved someone. I think I forgot how bad it hurts when you get your heart broken."

Denise squeezes my shoulder. "Honey, I've known you through all of your adult relationships. I know you loved Tanner when you married him, but that was a different kind of love. Even when you found out he was cheating, you were never like this."

She's right. I didn't love Tanner the way I love John.

I felt love for him, but some of what I felt back then was more a love built from familiarity. He was comfortable because we were in school together, and things were easy.

With John, nothing could stop me from falling hard for him.

"I think you're right," I say. "John was different. I guess he still is, even if the feelings aren't mutual. Too bad he didn't feel the same, and now I feel lost in a way I never did after my divorce. I had a purpose then. Now, I no longer have my job to keep me occupied. I know that's more on me for quitting without notice, but I just couldn't go there every day knowing he would be there too."

"I can't say I blame you for not wanting to talk to him right now," Denise says. "And you'll find another job, so don't worry about that. It's good to have some time off once in a while. Now you're free to think about what you really want to do now that you don't feel committed to that firm."

I couldn't help but notice how she said, right now, and I know Denise. She means everything she says, which means she thinks I should talk to him eventually. I'm a bit in shock because if I let her answer one of the many calls he's made while I've been here, she would tell him off and not give him so much as an inch of room to combat the ass-chewing she'd give him.

I sit up in my seat and turn to face her. "What do you mean you don't blame me right now?" I ask.

"You know that I love you, so what I'm saying now is from love and because I know you, sometimes better than you know yourself."

I look her in her eyes. "Tell me whatever is on your mind."

"I don't think you would have fallen in love with John if he's not a good man at heart. The way he assumed the worse and went off on you when he found out about your other job offer was a dick move, and he deserves your ire for that. Hell, I'd still kick his ass if he walked through my front door right now for hurting you. However, you did know about that job for weeks and never mentioned it to him. And you'd been sitting on the offer for over a week without turning it down."

"So what?" I say, crossing my arms. I'm not sure I like where she's going. "I was planning to turn it down."

"My point is you like having backup plans. You only decided to turn the job down after learning about his mom's cancer diagnosis. Before that, you weren't sure if you wanted to keep working with him or accept Victor's job offer."

"I just didn't know. We never really spoke about our relationship or where we saw it going. But after that night with him, when we found out Nancy was sick, I knew I couldn't leave him in any way. I just hadn't been in to work to turn down Victor's offer once I had decided."

"But that's what I mean. You didn't tell him before because you hadn't decided. You were holding onto Victor's offer as long as possible as a backup in case John randomly decided to tell you he didn't want a relationship so you'd have a way to put space between you. It doesn't mean you were planning to leave him outside of work, but until last weekend, it was possible you were going to stop working for him."

Ugh, why does she have to be logical right now?

Even if it did take me a bit to officially make up my mind, what should matter is I had decided not to take the job.

"What's wrong with having a backup plan like that? I just like to be prepared for whatever life throws at me, and John had already shown me he could change what he wanted from me on a whim. I was trying to protect myself, which I was clearly unsuccessful at."

"I get that, but the problem is you use your backups to avoid real commitment and communication. Especially when things are difficult." I open my mouth to argue, but she holds a hand up, and I sit back without interrupting. "And I get it. Tanner ruined things. You learned to adapt and survive, and always having a backup plan keeps you from getting stuck in a position like that again where you aren't prepared."

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