Page 94 of More Than I Can Bear

He was talking too fast, words seeming to fall all over themselves and into my brain. But I couldn’t take them in. Because up until a week ago, what he was saying was the one thing I wanted most. I worked hard, dominated on the field, but you always had to look for new challenges. And the national league? I’d be playing with the best and brightest in Australia and—

“No.”

“What?” Billy shut the fuck up for once, stunned at my reply. I understood why, I was surprised myself, but when I went back and reconsidered my response I knew.

“I mean thanks.” I looked back at that closed door, at what lay behind it and knew what I had to do. My heart ached for it, to turn down this opportunity, but I couldn’t put my hat in the ring for the draft, I just couldn’t. I might not get a look in, that was the most probable outcome, but if I did… The shit people said to Freya, on her Insta profile, in her DMs. Kaine had shown me the report the social media manager made on her first day, outlining all the crap she’d intercepted. Freya told me she never wanted to be subjected to any of this, and I… I wanted to protect her from that more than I wanted to play footy, so I knew what I had to say. “Thanks for the opportunity, Billy, but I’m retiring from the SANFL and don’t need you to put me forward for the AFL draft. I’ve got stuff going on here—”

“Look, mate—”

“My mind’s made up.” I was firm, decisive and then I nodded, feeling something lighten inside me. “I have a family and… I choose them, every time. I always will, so thanks, but no thanks.”

He spluttered something about me regretting my decision, even though I knew I wouldn’t, of being able to change my mind before a certain date, and I humoured him through it. Once the draft was done, I’d sever the relationship between us. I didn’t need an agent anymore, not when I had her. My refusal finally seemed to sink in and Billy got off the phone, just leaving me standing there.

I stared at the door, able to visualise what lay behind it. River and Freya curled around each other, that crease between Kaine’s brows finally smoothing out. There was my future, that. I always felt better when I was moving, doing, had an objective in mind and I grabbed at one now.

I found some clothes in the spare room, Kaine’s not mine, and got dressed before collecting the keys. When I went downstairs and out onto the street, my casual apparel stuck out like dog’s balls amongst all of the business wear of the city commuters. I strolled up to the local cafe, scanned the glass case full of goodies and mentally worked out what each of them would want. Coffee, croissants, toasties, the works, I charged it all to the card Kaine had given me and then carried it back to the apartment.

“Where’d you get to?” my brother asked as soon as I arrived, but the tight expression on his face was at odds with what he was wearing. Just a towel slung around his waist, his hair a ruffled mess, I wondered what the boys at the work site would’ve thought about him right now.

“I got breakfast,” I said, setting the bags down onto the kitchen bench. “Coffee, just how you like it.”

When I handed him a cup, he took a sip and then nodded in appreciation.

“Was it your phone ringing this morning?”

“Yeah,” I replied, plating up the food and then setting it out on the table, focussing on that not him. Kaine could smell a lie from a mile away. “Bloody telemarketer. I told them I wasn’t interested.”

“Wasn’t interested in what?” River and Freya emerged from the bedroom, my girl wearing one of our shirts and nothing else. With rumpled hair and a glow about her, she never looked sexier.

“What I am interested in is whether or not you’ve got any underwear on under this,” I replied, giving her a kiss that turned into another, then another, each one confirming my decision. My hands slid down and under the shirt, sliding upwards before she batted them away. Everyone settled around the dining table and helped themselves to food, but I hung back. I felt like I was eating the lot of them up with my eyes, unable to look away for a second, as if I’d miss something.

“Oh my god, are those croissants?”

“Breakfast for my baby,” I said, smirking at Kaine that I was the provider this time. I pulled a toastie my way and unwrapped it. “Not sure what you guys have on, but I thought we might head to the shack.” I stared at Freya, then brushed a crumb off her chin. “Be a good time to introduce you to the other parts of ourselves, I think. We’re a sleuth now, so you need to see what you’ve got yourself into.”

Freya was about to reply, but as she sucked in a breath, her eyes darted to River. Her cheeks flushed and then she giggled, making me think she was having a whole other conversation with him behind our backs. Part of me envied the bond the two of them had with a viciousness that took my breath away, but the other part? I was determined to make myself worthy of her, of deepening what we had until that psychic link clicked into place.

“And what was that about?” I asked gently.

“Nothing.”

That devilish grin of hers popped out, and brightened the room: the way everyone sat ringed around her, it was like she was the sun and we were caught in her orbit. Coffee was being passed around as well as food, accompanied by light banter and Kaine telling her all about the shack and the journey it took to get there. All of it washed over me, filling in all the gaps and making me feel whole.

I was making the right decision.

I just sat with that certainty before the ribbing was directed at me. Kaine teased me for my moony expression and River smiled along, adding a few points of his own. They’d never know about that phone call, I’d make sure of it. Each one of them would walk around, knowing I loved them, but never just how much. I smiled then, feeling tears prick at my eyes, just beaming at every single one of them, before Kaine got to his feet.

“You alright?”

He asked me this as a quiet aside, as the other two headed off to get ready.

“I’m good,” I told him honestly. “More than good. Just happy, y’know?”

“Yeah, I know.” He gave my shoulder a squeeze. “Now get yourself cleaned up, you scruffy piece of shit. We’ve got a long drive ahead of us.”

After a shower, a shave and a change of clothes, because Kaine the anal had standards apparently, I joined the rest of them in the lounge room. River had an esky ready and some towels and Kaine was talking very fast to someone down the phone line, which was when my own phone buzzed. I hauled my device out and saw I had a text from Jack.

“Everyone ready?” Kaine, as usual, was bossy as fuck, even though we were all waiting on him seconds before to finish his call, but once he was done, we were supposed to be ready to go, pronto.

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