Page 68 of More Than I Can Bear

From deserving it.

Every iota of agony I felt right now was my reward for my behaviour, I realised, as the depressive effects of the alcohol smashed into me.I’ddone this and that knowledge was what had me pacing back and forth, my hand in my hair as I tried to work out a way forward. I couldn’t fight it, train for it, develop a plan and work it to gain redemption. When I saw Freya there was nothing but pain on her face and that had my chest seizing. Every breath hurt, clawing its way in and out of my lungs until I was shaking. I pulled out my phone with weak fingers, unlocking it after two tries, then navigating over to my contacts. I didn’t have Freya’s number and that was good, because I was on the brink of leaving one of those long, rambling, drunk phone calls blokes left for their exes, all over the world.

Instead I called him.

It’s what I did each time I ended up in a situation like this and while I knew my big brother couldn’t fix shit this time, I had to talk to someone.

“Adam?”

His voice was hoarse and scratchy with sleep and I felt another pang of guilt at having woken him up, but I needed him. I fucking needed him.

“I did it,” I said, unshed tears clogging my throat. “I went out with the boys. I got drunk and was photographed leaving the club in a rush.”

“Yeah?” He sounded tired, so tired, and I knew exactly how that felt. I sank down into the gutter, the only place I felt I was fit to sit, and got comfortable.

“Darren tried to set me up with some girls. He took some photos.”

“That little fuck… I never liked him. I told you that.”

“I know.” My head hung lower. “I know you did.” I swallowed hard. “He took some photos, but I crushed his phone.”

“Did ya?” He snorted at that, laughing despite himself.

“The bear saw the camera and… He doesn’t like cameras anymore.”

“So this is what it takes to get Adam fucking Farrelly to step out of the spotlight,” Kaine said. “They say our mate is perfect for us but I didn’t see this coming.”

“Is she perfect?”

I wasn’t supposed to ask. River, Kaine and I, we’d come to an agreement. They were to see if they could work things out with Freya. I couldn’t stand it if their chances of being with her were fucked over by me. But right now my defences were down and I felt so fucking low.

“You know she is,” he told me in that gently chiding tone he used when I hadn’t fucked things up too much. “That’s why you did it. I understand shit a lot better now. She’s so fucking sweet the bear has you wanting to gorge yourself on her, sucking down all that sweetness, just in case she decides…”

To reject you, that went unsaid. I didn’t know how Freya felt about this, but she had the three of us fucking hard and desperate for her. If she just crooked a finger each one of us would come running to do whatever the fuck she wanted. She just had to point and we’d do it.

“So she’s forgiven you for taking fur?” I asked, wrestling my mind back on track.

“Forgiven? I dunno if she was hurt, so much as surprised. It’s a lot to take in,” he said and I heard his sigh then. “But she’s doing it. She’s so fucking amazing, Adam. Shit, you probably don’t want to hear that right now.”

“No,” I said, closing my eyes, just hearing the hush of the night air and feeling the cool of my phone screen pressed against my face. “Tell me. Tell me everything, Kaine.”

“Well,” he said, and I could hear the sounds of him settling down into a chair. “I came home to find River kissing her.”

I let out a low groan, my tongue flicking over my lips, as if I could still taste her there.

“And you didn’t leave them to it, did you?” I knew my brother well. “What did you do?” That low chuckle, it was a knife stabbing into my heart, but I was the one plunging in. My cock ached but not more than my heart. “Tell me, brother. Tell me what you did.”

Chapter35

Kaine

Cleaning up after my brother, that was what I did, so it was no surprise to hear him on the other end of the line. I hated him for just a second, dragging me away from the warm haze of pleasure I felt sleeping next to Freya and River. I was in heaven, the scent of her in my nose, the feel of her in my arms, but I was always my brother’s keeper, so when I felt the phone buzz, I woke up.

“I did it,” he told me and I could hear just how miserable he was. I used to wash gravel out of his grazes when he was a little bloke, picking him up and dusting him off before sending him on his way again. “I went out with the boys.”

And that was the problem with this plan. Adam didn’t do that often. Sportsmen achieved god-like status in Australia and that was a sweet position to be in for a young guy. All that attention showered on you, it could change you, but it hadn’t changed Adam. He’d steered clear of the drunken orgies, adhering rigorously to his training schedule, showing a kind of discipline that, to be frank, I admired. But that always fell apart when directions ran counter to his values. When advertisers tried to mould his image into one that would sell more shoes or t-shirts or whatever, when he was required to play a role at fundraising events, schmoozing with the powerful sponsors, it all fell apart. That wasn’t my brother, he couldn’t do what I had to, put on the mask and be what was needed in that moment.

“Tell me, brother. Tell me what you did,” he pleaded, the misery plain in his voice.

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