Page 36 of More Than I Can Bear

She looked me over with a keen eye, the same one that had picked up every shift in my mood when we were in high school.

“I don’t want to talk about him, Kaine, or even River. I want to talk about you, Frey. I’d assumed you bailed on Adam because you just wanted to hit and quit it. But what really happened?”

I grabbed my gin and tonic and downed it in one long gulp, something that made her eyes widen when I put the glass back down and looked at her.

“I left because I couldn’t see a future with him,” I said. “It was a one-night stand obviously, so why string things out?” A waitress came by to take our empty shot glasses and Jack ordered some more. “But mostly…”

In my mind’s eye I saw the awards night, the glamorously dressed people and the way I didn’t feel like I belonged amongst them. I heard the women bitching about Adam and me when I was in the ladies’ toilets, but most of all, it was seeing him up on the screen, moving with a kind of confidence and skill that drew every eye to him. And while I wanted that for him, that kind of attention made my skin itch. Some people craved public validation, but I didn’t want any of it. I preferred to shrink away from the glare of the public eye, back into the shadows.

“I don’t want the kind of life a wife or a girlfriend of a player lives,” I said. “I don’t want people watching what we do, whatIdo just because of who I’m with. I like keeping things low-key, and any guy I get serious with needs to be the same.”

“Here you go, ladies,” the barmaid said, depositing several rounds of shots on the table for us.

“Well,” Jack said, holding up one and handing me the other. “Here’s to life lived in the background.”

“Cheers to that,” I said, clinking my glass with hers.

Chapter19

Adam

“What’re you doing here?” I snapped, the moment Kaine walked in the door. He had a face like thunder, which meant I should’ve kept my mouth shut and kept on scrubbing the grout of the kitchen tiles, but I didn’t. “You’re supposed to be looking after Freya, keeping her safe.”

“I did what you should’ve,” he shot back, dumping his keys on the freshly cleaned kitchen counter. When I got stressed I had to find something to do otherwise I’d jump out of my own skin, and right now it was stress cleaning. “I told her… showed her what we are.”

“You showed her the fucking bear?” I tossed the scourer into the sink. “Are you serious?”

“What was I supposed to do, Adam?” He stared at me with that familiar combination of frustration and obligation, like I was a weight he had to carry. “She was asking me about the bite you left on her neck and how it made her feel.”

“How did it make her feel?” I couldn’t keep the hope out of my voice.

“Jesus fucking Christ.” Kaine’s hands formed into fists. “That’s what you’re focussing on right now? You fucked up, Adam.”

Why did it always cut me off at the knees every time he said that? Not even a dressing down from the dads caused the same reaction. I couldn’t have hurt more if he’d come over and driven one of those fists into my guts. Actually, I’d have preferred that. If he hit me then we coulda fought shit out, smashed into each other until the other was gasping, bleeding, and then all of that fucking disappointment in his eyes would fade and we could move the fuck on. But Kaine Farrelly did not let his instincts rule him like that, so the two of us were left standing there, fairly vibrating with the effort of keeping ourselves back. And that just left him staring at me like I was less than shit on his shoe, and I couldn’t fucking take it.

“And he apologised for it.” We both turned around to see River standing in the doorway. He leaned against the wall, arms crossed, casual as you please. “Though what exactly were you apologising for?” he asked. “That much wasn’t clear from the video.”

“I…” My voice broke on that so I coughed and then tried again. “I marked Freya without consent. That’s sexual assault.”

“Worked that out, did ya?” River said and then moved forward. He pushed past me and went to the fridge, pulling out bottles of water and then holding them out. “I have no idea what was going on in your head—”

“Nothing, as per usual,” Kaine snarled. “You just reached out and took what you wanted, just like you always do.”

“Fuck, is this about the terrible trauma of growing up with me as a brother?” I snarked. “Poor Kaine, having to look after Adam all the time. You know I never asked for that.”

“And what happens when I don’t?” he replied, eyes blazing ice blue. His bear was close to the surface, but I just cocked an eyebrow, daring him to come out. We could settle this shit in fur, no problems. “You do shit like this. And this time, you hurt our mate.”

And there it was again, the pinprick that had all the hot air hissing out of me, bringing me crashing back down to earth.

Fuck.

“I did.” I pushed the bottle of water away, but River put it in my hand with a meaningful look. “I did and I…” One of the things I’d learned as a kid and on the footy field was that admitting you fucked up took all the heat out of things. It hurt like a bitch at the time, but took far less effort than trying to coerce everyone around you into pretending there wasn’t a problem. I nodded slowly. “I did and I don’t think there’s a way back from that. I can’t tell her in person, because she doesn’t want to have anything to do with me and I don’t blame her.”

I cracked the lid of the bottle and drank a long mouthful of water.

“And, honestly, you guys should just do what you can to try and patch things over with her. You didn’t… do that to her, so you’ve both still got a chance.”

Kaine’s jaw locked tight and he just glared at me. Time felt as slow and sticky as molasses, the seconds taking years to tick by.

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