Page 72 of Catalyst

I also had no idea what I would say to her if I did go to her house. I still don’t know what I’ll say, but this way, she’ll be less likely to scream obscenities at me since we’re in the office. I wouldn’t blame her if she did, though.

I log in to my computer, ignoring the lack of a sticky note on my computer. It’s not lost on me that I’m finally getting what I wanted when she started. I fucking hate it.

The morning drags on, time crawling by as the minutes tick down to our weekly check-in.Is she going to show up?

God knows I wouldn’t show up if she said the things I did.

Five minutes before our meeting should start, the light in Ellie’s office clicks on. I opened the adjoining door a little while ago so I’d know when she arrived.

My shoulders relax now that she’s here. I’ve been going over every word I want to say to her, but the minute she walks into my office, every rehearsed sentence in my head disappears.

Fuck me, she’s beautiful. Her navy blue dress is fitted to her body, while the sleeves billow out around her arms. She has her glasses on today, and it feels like armor hiding the emotions that usually spill from her eyes.

Instead of a gorgeous smile, I’m met with a guarded weariness, as if she’s prepared for more vitriol to spill from my mouth.

I stand from my chair, tablet in hand, and move to my sitting area. “Good morning, Ellie.”

“Mr. Ellis.”

My name is an arrow straight into my heart. I’ve ruined our easy relationship, and now all that’s left is the tatters of our professional one.

I have to fix this. I can’t move forward, pretending as if I don’t know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of Ellie’s joyful greetings every morning.

When she sits down, she pulls out her tablet and e-pencil and opens her calendar app, further solidifying the damage I’ve done. She’s never brought her tablet into our morning meetings.

“Ellie,” I start, my voice soft. She looks up at me with those endless sapphire blue eyes, making me feel insignificant. I have to look down at my clasped hands to get the rest of the words out of my mouth.Coward.

“You don’t have to—”

“Yes, I do.” I meet her gaze, knowing I need to own what I did. “Ellie, what I said to you on Friday was abhorrent. It doesn’t matter how angry I was, there is never a reason to speak to you the way I did. I’m ashamed of my behavior, and I’m beyond sorry for treating you that way. I was an utter asshole to you, and I’m honestly surprised you even came to work today. If I was in your shoes, I don’t think I would’ve.”

“It was touch and go for a while this morning.” Ellie huffs out a humorless laugh.

My lips quirk up. Even when she’s pissed at me, she can’t help but make a joke. “I am truly sorry for what I said. I should’ve apologized sooner, but I was too scared to show up at your house unannounced.”

“Adam Ellis, admitting to a fault. Never thought I’d see the day.” Ellie’s dry tone has me frowning at her. “Look, I appreciate your apology. Knowing you recognize the destruction of your words is helpful.”

I sigh. I should’ve known apologizing wouldn’t automatically fix things. “But…?”

“But I won’t be able to stop hearing you say those awful things anytime soon. I’m glad I don’t have to tell you how unacceptable it was for you to speak to me the way you did. However, that doesn’t negate the fact that I still had to sit in that chair and listen to you tear down my carefully rebuilt self-esteem. For now, I would like to remain professional and respectful, and we can go from there.”

I swallow down my desire to tell her it won’t happen again, knowing the words will mean nothing to Ellie. I blew it. I finally had something that brought me more joy than I’ve ever experienced and I desecrated it with my stupidity.

All I can do is nod my head while I work to keep my emotions under control. Ellie goes over my schedule for the week, detailing my meetings and any other pertinent information. I pretend like an elephant isn’t sitting on my chest as she talks. The whole meeting is more painful than our very first one when she took notes with her peacock pen.

I never thought I’d be wishing that she was using that fucking pen.

When we’re finally done talking, Ellie barely spares me a glance before she hightails it out of my office. I run my fingers through my hair, frustration leaking through every movement. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. I don’t think there’s any way I’ll be productive today. And if I’m honest, I can’t be fucked to do my job when it’s the reason I got into this mess with Ellie in the first place.

An ex-employee is so pissed off at me, they’re dragging my name through the mud. I apparently did something so heinous to them that they believe going to the press was their only option to get back at me.

Add that situation to the fact that I hurt Ellie beyond belief, and I think I need to reevaluate everything I’ve done up until this point. Maybe I need to take a step back before I do something else destructive.

Without a thought, I stand from my chair and leave my office.

* * *

I’m on my third circle around the main floor of Sidelines when Matthew walks up next to me. He doesn’t say anything, just walks the floor beside me. I’ve taken in every inch of this space in an effort to remind myself why I’m even here.

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