Page 65 of Pretty Dogs

DALLAS

Noneof us can afford to lose our jobs, so we have to fly home after barely twenty-four hours inSantaMonica.Mymother made a whole list of sightseeing options for our one day in town, in case we needed a way to fill the awkwardness.Butafter a long, lazy breakfast in the sun-drenched dining room, where we showMomphotos ofTubbsand tell her all aboutCalvin, we’re content to just spend the day enjoying a house that isn’t falling apart at the seams.

Iperch at the kitchen island most of the afternoon, watching my mom teachBeckhow to make samosas so we can take some home with us.Despitewhat he thinks, my boyfriend-slash-unofficial-husband is incredibly smart and proficient at almost everything he tries.There’sjust something about the kitchen that drains away his brain cells until he’s nothing but a blundering neanderthal with the common sense of a pea.Momshows him the same steps over and over with infinite patience, but when he turns his back she keeps shooting me horrified looks that have me shaking with silent giggles.

IthoughtI’dcry again when we hug goodbye and leave for the airport, but yesterday was the time for tears.Todayis nothing but pure, sparkling blue skies.Richardis putting me in charge of designing a window display at the store this week,Beck’sgoing to attend a meeting with me, andMomalready has tickets booked in a month for a house-shopping trip.I’meven excited to get back to my very un-heavenly mattress, the one that smells like us and holds the imprint of our bodies.

Theairport goes more smoothly when we’re not carrying an arsenal of bladed weapons.Ieven convinceBeckto look out the window as we take off, to seeLosAngelesfalling away into a tiny diorama of a city while he death-grips my hand.Allfour of us breathe a sigh of relief when wefinallypull up the bumpy driveway full of potholes late that night.Itwould have been madness for me to stay with my mother, because my soul needs this shitty little brick house.

“Tubbs!”Asthe mastiff comes cantering across the yard,Romanjumps out of the car, drops on his knees in the dirt, and throws his arms around the dog’s thick neck like they’ve been separated for months.Tubbs’ skinny tail is whipping back and forth so hard that his whole body wiggles.

Withthe slap of shoes on concrete,Calvinhops down the back steps and jogs over withHobbescurled up in his hoodie pocket.Becklooks startled when the kid throws his one good arm around the man’s waist and squeezes. “Didyou have fun?Wedidn’t break anything.”Hehugs me too, resting his head against my chest for a moment, then smiles up at me hopefully.

“Thanksfor taking care of the place.Itlooks like you did a great job.”WhenIlook up,Theois standing in the doorway with a mug in his hands.Itseems like clutching hot drinks is becoming his nervous habit.Ihave a little bag of my mom’s favorite jasmine blueberry green tea tucked away in my duffel for him.Hedoesn’t return my smile, but he nods once in response to my wave and looks slightly less like he wants to hit us all with his nail-bat.

Iglance over atBeck, who nods.Allfour of us came up with a plan on the way home.Restingmy hand onCalvin’sback,Isteer him gently toward the house whileScoutgrabs our bags.Theowatches us approach with that fight-or-flight skittishness that he can’t seem to get past.WhenI’mclose enough to talk to him,Istop. “There’ssomethingIwant to show you andCalvin, if it’s alright.”

Hisjaw flexes a little as he studies me. “Ineed to get our shit together so we can go back to the camper.”

“Please.It’simportant.”

Fora second,Ithink he’s just going to leave.He’sbeen fighting for so long he doesn’t know how to stop.Thenhis eyes stray toCalvin’shaircut and the clean clothesIwashed for him. “Alright,” he sighs.

Todayis the first time in years thatI’vefelt self-conscious setting up my injection supplies.It’shard to grab the right supplies whenTheo’seyes are burning a confused hole in the side of my head.WhenI’vetried and failed five times to rip open the seal on the syringe,Beckreaches past me and gently pries it from my hand. “I’vegot it.”

Bythe timeIduck into the bathroom and change into a pair of shorts so thatIcan expose my thigh without flashing everyone,Beckhas everything ready.Itake a deep breath, pressing my palms together likeI’maCEOabout to present a keynote speech. “IfCalvinwants to medically transition when he’s older, he’ll more than likely be taking testosterone injections.Ithought both of you might like to see what that looks like.I’lltry to answer any questions you have.”

Theo’suncomprehending stare melts into shock as he processes whatI’msaying. “You’renot a–Imean…”Hepresses his lips together firmly, like he knows that he doesn’t have the right words and wants to avoid offending me.

“Youhave to stab yourself with a needle?”Calvinsquawks, scooting across the bed on his knees until he can see whatBeck’sdoing. “That’sso hardcore.”Hepokes the testosterone vial with one finger, like he can’t believe a few drops of clear liquid can change everything.

“Ilike to ask someone to help me, but it’s up to you.”

Beckdraws up the medication slowly, making sure the boy has a clear view.Henarrates everything, even though it’s less medical terminology and more, “then you detach the big thingie and swap it for the skinny guy”.

WhenIlook over atTheo, he’s watching with laser intensity.Hishands on the comforter shift as his fingers faintly follow the shape ofBeck’smovements, like he’s trying to memorize them.Hecatches me watching and stops, wrapping his arms around himself.Evenso, he breaks his disgruntled silence to ask a few questions asBeckfinishes injecting the testosterone.Calvin’stoo busy sitting with his face a couple of inches from my leg, gaping at the needle. “CanIdo it?” he pipes up whenBeckgrabs a band-aid.

“We’vebeen talking,”Isay slowly asIwatchCalvinfiddle with opening the band-aid wrapper. “Ifyou’re willing, we’d like to invite you andCalvinto stay here with us.Iknow we’re still strangers, butIthink we could all help each other.”

Calvin’shead jerks up from where he’s smoothing the bandage over the injection site. “Really?”Hispleading eyes fly to his brother. “Sayyes,Theo, come on.”

“I’mnot sure…”Theorakes a hand through his hair, his face strained.

“Idon’t want us to be cold and hungry anymore,”Calvinbursts out, thumping one fist on the bed. “Youdon’t either.Beckwill keep us safe here, and you won’t have to let people hurt you ever again.Please.”

Theolooks down, swallowing hard.Ican see the words crushing him, like he’s failed at taking care of his brother.There’snothing anyone can do to change that feeling, except to give him time and space to heal. “Okay.Fornow.”

BeckandIexchange a quick, triumphant smile asCalvinbounces on the bed in excitement.Idon’t know how long it will take to pryTheoout of the shell he’s built so tightly around himself.Maybewe never will.Thatdoesn’t make him defective.We’reall different here, tied together simply by the fact that we’ve learned how to love and be loved in a way that the darkness outside can’t touch.

* * *

Beckkeeps his hands stuffed in his jean pockets as we walk into the community center, so we don’t attract any awkward attention.Buthis shoulder stays pressed against mine.Heholds open the squeaky front door for me, thenCalvinas the kid scampers through after me.Thefoyer looks dated but clean, plastered in ads for everything from concerts to lost cats.Adouble-wide archway leads into a gymnasium, where someone has folded the basketball hoops up into the ceiling and arranged rows of chairs on the scratched wooden floor.

Ican feelBecktense at the sight of a handful of men and women standing around talking quietly.I’mpretty sure he prayed the whole way here to any god who may or may not exist that this meeting would be canceled.Whenwe hesitate for a second, not sure what to do, a tall, broadLatinoman in aRockiesjersey separates himself from a conversation and approaches.

“Hey.”ItapCalvin’sshoulder and nod toward a table with cookies, tortilla wraps, and lemonade. “Gofind us a snack.”

Heshoots me anIknow you’re trying to get rid of melook, but the call of cookies is stronger.Ashe trots away, the man holds out a hand toBeck. “I’mSantiago, andI’mleading the meeting today.Isthis your first time?”

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