Page 21 of Teach Me To Sin

Alek and Benji both look at me expectantly, and I sigh. “Damn it, don’t apologize. I’m the most experienced, so that’s on me. I get tested every few months, and so did all my past sexual partners. I forgot not everyone does.”

I remember what Gray told me once, after one of the million fights that were all my fault.You’re made of selfishness, Cole. It’s wound through you like a weed, but when you tear it out, you realize there’s more selfishness underneath, and more under that, endlessly. I don’t think there’s anything else in you.And it felt so true that it didn’t even hurt. I thought I’d perfected the art of making sure it doesn’t hurt other people, but apparently not yet.

When I eye Benji, he holds up both hands. “I’m insulted if you think I’d fuck around without knowing I was clean. I have results on my phone.”

Alek stiffens when we turn toward him, his hands clenching as he fixes his eyes on the worn concrete floor. “I, um… I don’t know how STDs work for, uh, having sex with men.” I can barely hear his voice. “But I’ve been monogamous for three years and we barely…I couldn’t even…” His tired eyes meet mine with a flash of defiance, like he’s daring me to make a snarky comment. “Am I okay, or not?”

“You’re okay.” Against my will, my hand moves to squeeze his shoulder. He stares at me with as much belligerent confusion as if I’d just slapped him. I’m not far off from that, even now. The more I see what a good man he is, the more anger I feel at his stubborn determination to fuck up the life he’s built over some tattered ideals and a hot boy. “But the next time either of you have sex with someone, have that conversation before instead of after.”

“Yeah.” Alek jerks away, his voice unsteady. “I’m gonna go.”

Benji stretches out a hand to him, his bright eyes tinged with panic. “Alek, hold up. Just breathe for a minute.” Whenever the boy looks at me, I see flirtation and a dare. When he looks at Alek, there’s something incredibly complicated–longing, regret, adoration.

Alek shakes his head. “I need some time.” He sidles around me like I’m a nasty stain on the floor, but hesitates in the doorway to glance back at Benji.

“Practice on Tuesday?” the boy asks meekly.

“Oh…” Alek fidgets. He must be spooked out of his mind if he’s considering dropping Benji over this. “We should both take a little time to think, right? Just to be sure.” He ignores me, like he doesn’t even want to contemplate what part I play in any of this.

“That’s fine,” Benji murmurs. “We can think.” But he looks gutted.

When Alek’s footsteps fade away, everything goes painfully quiet. Benji’s teeth play with his lower lip as he picks up a towel from the floor and hangs it over his shoulders. “I…” Groaning, he rubs his hands over his face. “That was wrong. But it felt right. Is that fucked up?”

I check the fly of my pants, then do up my belt. “Maybe. Luckily for you, I’m never going to see you again and Alek has just had an existential panic about not fucking his swimmer. I don’t think having too many men to fuck at once will be one of your problems in the near future.”

I don't particularly mean to be cruel, just honest, but his shoulders collapse and his handsome face crumples. “You’re right,” he mumbles hoarsely. “Forget it.”

I’ve had it up to here with these two exhausting, incredibly dramatic men. Why I didn’t walk away two weeks ago is beyond me. “What do you expect me to say?”

“Do you even like me?” The strange question comes so fast that it must have been waiting there a long time. I blink at him in confusion.

“What on earth do you mean?”

His jaw tightens. “Nothing.”

When he tries to push past, my body rebels and catches him by the arm, dragging him to a stop right in front of me. I didn’t take enough time to study him earlier–his body’s beautiful, but his face is remarkable. Luminous green eyes, untamed and curious, high cheekbones and soft skin, a full mouth that’s sensual but shrewd at the same time. Like an angel who spends his time sneaking down to hell for a good time.

My eyes travel down his flawless neck to trace the line of his clavicles, then his delicate but refined pecs. Now I’m just gawking. “I do like you,” I offer finally. “You’re a mouthy, greedy little prick like me, and you’re stunning. But you’re much younger than me and I don’t do relationships. I don’t need a rent boy.”

He coughs a sharp laugh, then abruptly throws his arms around my waist and rests his forehead against my chest. I can feel his heart still pounding, his breathing irregular. He’s reckless, but I don’t think he realized exactly what he was doing when he dragged me into the room. My brain knows I should keep my distance, but my hand finds the back of his neck and massages it gently. When he feels my touch, he whimpers and presses his face so close his warm breath penetrates through my shirt. “I’m gonna fuck everything up.” His voice is so muffled I can barely understand him. “I’m gonna hurt him so bad.”

“Calm down.” I slide a finger under his chin and tip it up until he’s looking at me. “All you did was suck his dick. Very nicely, I might add. That won’t ruin anyone’s life, no matter how much he acts like it will.”

That crooked, guarded smile drops back over his face, hiding whatever’s in his head. “Sure.” He pops up on his toes until our noses are touching. “Bye. Your cock tastes good. Let me know if you change your mind about the rent boy.” Then he lands back on his feet and darts away down the hall.

Trying to gather my thoughts, I look around the cramped storage room. The damp spots on the floor where Benji’s wet body knelt and the bench where I sucked him off are the only proof the last twenty minutes even happened. I already feel dissociated, like I watched a strangely compelling disaster of a porn video. All I wanted to do was find Alek and say goodbye, to extricate myself from this tangled knot for good. I need to break the threads between us before they pull me in too deep to escape.

Huffing in frustration, I pull out my phone and head for the front of the building. I might try to dig up another date for tomorrow. Depending on how desperate I get, I might grovel a little to get a second chance from Trevor. Something easy and clean and careless. Anything but this.

Benji

“Bennett.”My father rattles the handle of my locked door. “What are you doing in there?”

“Manifesting greatness.”

“You need to leave for practice in two minutes.”

“Never been readier.” I suck in a breath through my nose as I push two fingers deeper in my ass and milk precum out on my belly with fast strokes. My ripped tie dye t-shirt is rucked up around my armpits and my legs are splayed with my knees up by my chest, a pair of boxers dangling from one ankle.

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