Page 58 of Four Firemen For Christmas

“If we can find out who filed the complaint, we can sort this out.” Derek tried again to stand beside me.

I caught his hand and squeezed it to show my appreciation but stayed out of the comfort of his arms. I wouldn’t ruin his chance to remain part of this team.

“We know who filed the complaint.” Alex continued to hurl his anger around like a weapon.

I knew he’d been hurt by his breakup, but this was something else. This was a raw kind of agony that I didn’t deserve.

Their voices started to rise again, and I’d fucking had enough of all of them. “I would never hurt any of you,” I screamed.

It startled them all enough that they stopped arguing.

My chest seized but I pushed back. “I love all of you, you bastards. I’d never hurt you. Not for anything. But since your first thought when something goes wrong is to accuse me, then I guess I love you all for nothing.”

My declaration impacted Derek and Samuel the most. They both stared at me, slack-jawed. Alex’s nostrils flared and he moved a full step away from me. Accusations flared in his eyes, and I knew he didn’t believe me. His next words proved it. “If you loved a single one of us, you would’ve said so before now. You would have said that instead of telling us all last night that this was temporary.”

He had a point. I hated admitting to more weakness, but it was time. “I was scared.” Even though he scoffed, I kept going. “What do I have to offer any of you? I couldn’t imagine one of you loving me, much less all four of you.”

“Emma…” Derek rushed me before I could duck away and wrapped his arms around my shoulders.

“I need to leave.” I turned my head sideways and put my hands on his stomach to push him away.

He tensed. “Why?”

“Because me being here is tearing you all apart. I’m not worth the loss of years of friendship.” Tears spilled down my cheeks as I pulled out of Derek’s embrace.

“You say you love us, but you’re going to walk away?” Alex scoffed. “That’s not love.”

“It is when you’re all frothing at the mouth to accuse me of something I would never, ever do.” I pointed at him directly. “I’m not going to argue about any of this. You all know how I feel. I love you enough to walk away before things get any worse.”

They didn’t even try to stop me from leaving the kitchen and going into Henry’s bedroom. I wished I could take a minute to remember last night, but the memories were too painful now. I changed out of Henry’s robe and back into my skirt and sweater from yesterday. My face was a splotchy mess but there was nothing I could do about that.

When I descended the stairs and grabbed my coat and boots from the hall closet, no one looked in my direction. I held the tears back until I made it out to my car. I rarely bothered to drive, but I’d brought the car out for the drive to Henry’s. Thank goodness I had, or I’d have to wait on an Uber to pick me up. I had to get out of there before I caved and ran back in and begged them to believe me.

A relationship built on begging for trust was doomed to fail.

27

EMMA

Angry at them and myself, I drove less than carefully back to Alex and Derek’s apartment. The streets were a mess of slush and dirty snow. Betrayal stung hot in my chest. The weight of the misunderstanding lingered like a heavy cloud. Every mile between us stretched wider than I thought possible. Snow flooded my windshield, forcing me to focus on the weather instead of my inner pain. It was like the city heard my heartbreak and wanted to try and make me feel better.

It was the day before Christmas Eve for fuck’s sake, and the best relationship of my life was royally screwed. I just wanted to curl up and watch it snow. But I couldn’t stay at the apartment. Alex and Derek would come back here soon, and God only knew what would happen if I saw them again right now.

Arriving at the apartment, I fumbled with the keys. My hands shook so bad that I dropped the them. Nausea rose in another burst when I bent to retrieve them. What the hell was going on with my insides? I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had stomach problems of any kind.

The metallic jingle of keys down the hallway snapped me upright. I didn’t have time to worry about my churning gut right now. I jammed the key in the lock and wrenched it. The door creaked open, revealing the familiar space. I’d been happy here. I wouldn't feel that way if Alex caught me here. The space I’d once considered a refuge was now a cage snapping closed.

The living room felt colder than usual as I hurriedly gathered my few belongings. Each item I packed echoed with memories. One of Derek’s hoodies lay across the foot of my bed. I’d snagged it one night when I couldn’t get warm, and I found it tucked in the back of the closet. I brought it to my nose and sniffed deeply, then shoved it into my bag. He’d never miss it.

I wasn’t the kind of girlfriend who stole from her ex, but I deserved that hoodie. After all the shit they just put me through. I pushed those thoughts aside.

The room bore witness to my hasty movements. It had been clean and neat when I first arrived, but now it looked like a hurricane had blown through. Anger fueled every move as I packed with a reckless fury in my determination to distance myself from all of them.

The anger wasn't just directed at them; it was a searing frustration at my inability to make them see the truth. I questioned my decisions, my choices, and the events that had led to this point. I eyed the sky though the foggy window and yanked the zippers on my duffel bag. The sound grated down my spine and locked my teeth together. Time to get out of here. Out of the apartment’s charged atmosphere where nothing felt right and I kept glancing at the front door in the hopes that Derek would walk in.

I stood in the room—now devoid of my presence—and made myself check one last time for anything I’d forgotten. Angry tears blurred my vision as I cast a final glance around the room before I left, the door clicking shut behind me.

I drove straight to Grandma’s house and walked my sorry ass up her sidewalk to knock on her kitchen door.

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