Page 21 of Midnight Sanctuary

“That you care.”

He frowns. “Because you see me as some sort of unfeeling monster?”

“Obviously.” It comes out before I can stop it. I’m past the point of thinking about my responses before I say them. That requires energy that I just don’t have at the moment.

He sighs and sits down on the floor beside my bedso we can see eye to eye.

“You’ll have to pardon me for not being friendlier,” he says in a tired voice. “I was busy taking care of my brother and worrying about my sister.”

Way to give me the middle finger without actually having to give it.I push myself up on my elbows and lift my head from the mattress. “I’m sorry.”

He shakes his head. “I’m not here to make you feel bad, Alyssa. I’m here because I’m worried about you.”

“Why?”

“Because you’ve been through a significant trauma. You need to speak to someone about it. Suppressing it never works. Not for long, anyway.”

If I squint, he looks a lot like Uri. I have to resist the urge, though. I don’t want him to think I’m completely insane.

“Even if you don’t feel like talking,” he continues, “you have to try. Emily said—”

“You spoke to Dr. Popov?” I shove myself all the way upright. “What did she tell you?”

“She told me that you were showing signs of PTSD and that you needed to be taken care of. She called yesterday to ask how you were doing.”

“So that’s why you’re here now?”

“Among other reasons.” He sighs. “Would it help if I got her down here to talk to you?”

I hesitate before I shake my head. “The only person I want to speak to won’t even look at me.”

Nikolai winces and scrubs a hand over his stubbled beard. “It’s because he’s hurting, Alyssa. He prides himself on being this family’s protector. He’s taking it all personally.”

“‘Personally’?” I laugh right in Nikolai’s face. “He’s not taking it personally; he’s taking it out onme.”

Right on cue, that familiar, thudding cadence strikes up again in my head.

My fault.

My fault.

My fucking fault.

It’s hard to be mad at Uri when I know he’s right to despise me.

“I know it seems that way, but he doesn’t blame you; he blames himself. And I’ll admit… I blamed him, too, for a while.” I raise my eyebrows and Nikolai continues with a grimace. “I thought it was foolish and short-sighted to bring you here and expose you to Lev and Polly. He was putting his needs above the family’s. I said he was acting irresponsibly. But… I also underestimated his feelings for you.”

My eyes go wide. “His feelings for me? What feelings? Hehatesme.”

Now, it’s Nikolai’s turn to bark an incredulous laugh. “Uri wouldn’t bother wasting his anger on you if he didn’t feel something else to go with it. Trust me on that.”

I can only gawk at Nikolai open-mouthed. He’s wrong—he has to be—I can feel it in my bones. But which part is wrong? Where’s the flaw in the theory? I’m trapped down here in this basement and Uri is staying far away upstairs, so this is all I have to go on.

It’s pathetic how eager I am to latch onto it.

“Now, will you eat a little something or do I need to get Emily in here?”

I nod grudgingly. “I’ll eat.” Nikolai brings the tray of food around and I pick at the warm croissant. My stomach roils but it doesn’t translate to my appetite. I eat anyway.

---