Page 86 of Jester

Next to Giselle, Celine peeks at Thorn. She’s nursing a hardcore crush. I try to see them together in a year. Will they have a kid? A house down the street from Giselle and me? Will she mind knowing her neighbor and Giselle’s buddy, Eliza, got a taste of Thorn a year ago? Or will the past not matter once they’re focused on the future?

Sharing a smile with Giselle and holding my daughter in my arms, I can see beyond the next few awkward weeks. My earlier fears are gone. If the future is half as good as this last year with Giselle, everything is going to be fucking great.

ANGEL EYES

With the Texas missionbehind us, Ghost and I get down to the business of making a baby. He’s surprised we haven’t gotten pregnant yet. Ghost looks at Giselle, Eliza, and Mabie who got knocked up quickly once they started trying. But those women are younger than me. In his mind, though, the answer is he’s shooting blanks.

“My balls are defective like my brain,” Ghost says that morning in bed.

“If you’re so sure, let’s go to a fertility specialist and have your sperm checked.”

When Ghost offers a horrified snarl, I grin at his reaction.

“Or maybe we just keep trying for a while before we panic,” I suggest, and his expression turns sullen rather than hostile.

For an hour, Ghost glues his body against mine and goes silent. When he gets this way, I usually find something to do on my phone and wait him out.

Eventually, Ghost looks at me and sighs. “I want you to have everything you want. If I can’t give you a kid, what good am I?”

“What if I’m the problem?”

“No, you’re the healthiest person I’ve ever known,” he says and then smirks. “Except for your burger fetish.”

I stroke his forehead and soak in how much he loves me. When we met, I wasn’t sure if either one of us was capable of committing to this thing. We were closed off assholes.

But once Ghost and I got past our hangups, our relationship became easier. That doesn’t mean our damaged psyches are fixed. But when I’m in a bad place, Ghost knows how to help me. I’ve learned to do the same for him. However, often like this morning, when we’re feeling bad, nothing can be done except to ride out the dark feeling.

We eventually arrive downstairs where Hope sits at a chair near a front window. She’s been especially quiet since we returned from Texas. Ghost and I had planned to take a trip to Vegas to celebrate the mission’s success. But with Hope in a weird mood, we’ve decided to hold off.

The quieter she gets, the more likely she’ll spiral soon. Tank and Sweet Buns adore Hope, and she enjoys spending time with them. But if she flips out, they can’t calm her. I’m the only one she’ll listen to in that state.

“Do you want to come with me to the shooting range?” I ask Hope as Ghost and I walk with her to a late breakfast at HQ.

Chin against her chest and hiding behind her hair, Hope shakes her head. She’s dressed in her favorite knee-length basketball shorts and matching pink top. Hope shuffles along in her sandals. Taking her hand in mine, I try to use my touch to draw her out of the past.

“I’ll hang around the house while you’re gone,” Ghost offers after we settle at a table with our waffles. “I’m tired after dealing with those RVs.”

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