Page 59 of Jester

Jester and I don’t talk in the morning. We don’t kiss or fool around. I barely look at him. He isn’t angry as much as in that hard mode he gets when bad shit happens. I remember how scary he seemed after Lando died. No one wanted to cross paths with the silently raging beast.

I’m not surprised when Jester ditches me at HQ and finds a reason to talk to someone else.

Soon, the RVs arrive, and HQ mostly clears out. That’s when Jelly Bean starts talking babies with Eliza and Giselle. Having nothing to add to their conversation, I walk outside to find the Sanctuary oddly quiet.

Following Aqua’s lead, I ride to the cottages. They’ve been wired up like the Stockade, but there’s no mechanism to keep the Dolls from leaving. Still, if they exit the cottages, whoever is running security at the time will at least know. Plus, there’s always the threat of self-harm with castoffs. The cottages’ cameras will keep watch.

“I hope these Dolls like each other,” I mutter as Aqua and I test one of the cottages. “They’ll need to agree on who’ll use the bedrooms and who gets stuck with the pullout couches.”

Aqua considers how there are seven women and two empty cottages. Even with the Stockade, we don’t have enough beds.

“One of them is Giselle’s sister, right?”

“I feel bad at how everyone knows that fact except her.”

Aqua’s blue eyes watch me before she asks, “Do you feel bad about that or do you just feel bad?”

Breaking immediately, I whimper, “I had a panic attack last night when Jester and I were fooling around.”

“How did he handle that?”

“He pushed me too hard at first and then got sweet. But he’s pissed now.”

“Or worried. Jester might just be confused. He isn’t really that easy to read.”

“Am I?”

“I knew you had a bad night as soon as I saw you.”

“I wish I could hide my feelings better,” I say and wipe my wet eyes.

“Hiding shit isn’t helpful. Remember when Blunt couldn’t stop cheating, even though he only wanted Mabie? He could have shown us how he was struggling and needed help. We would have kept the club sluts from him. But he hides his feelings. Now we know, so when those chicks come around, we can quickly scare them away.”

Aqua and I share a grin about those crying club sluts who refuse to leave Blunt alone. He must be good in bed or they just really want what they can’t have. Either way, we’ve had to threaten some gnarly shit to get them to back the fuck off. It’s the main reason I go to The Lockup anymore. Making bitches cry never stops being fun.

“I want Jester in my life. I love him, and he’s fun to be around. But I don’t want him to touch me.”

“And he wants to fuck.”

As we walk outside to check the other cottage, I nod. “Of course. He hasn’t gotten laid in years. I’m his prize.”

“No, you’re a human being with feelings,” Aqua mutters and rests her hands on her hips. “He is well aware of your triggers. If he can’t find a way to make shit work, he deserves to suffer.”

I smile at how Aqua always takes my side, even when I’m wrong. She’s a good friend. I reward her with an awkward hug. She sighs dramatically, reminding me of Zoey who doesn’t want to be hugged by most people, either.

Freeing her from my grip, I mumble, “I wish I could skip to the part where Jester and I have already fucked. Then, I wouldn’t be scared.”

“That’s not how it works,” Aqua says and enters the second cottage. “It’ll never go away. As a kid, I was molested by another foster kid. I remember how there was a baby crying in the next room. Sometimes, when I hear a baby crying now, I feel like I’m back with that pervert. It scares me to think that my own kid will trigger me one day. Since I can’t avoid it, I’ve prepared Jelly Bean. When it happens, we’ll both know to deal with it rather than hide from it.”

Aqua’s sensible choices make me rethink my own decisions.

“People told me for years to date other guys before I settled down with Jester. How I needed more relationship experience.”

Aqua cocks an eyebrow. “Yeah, I was one of the people saying that.”

“But I felt like I’d be cheating on Jester.”

“True, but now you’re in a relationship where you have zero experience. And he doesn’t know shit about dating, either. I was talking to Ominous months ago about Jester. She said he can’t commit to anyone. He’s wired too wrong.”

---