Page 54 of Jester

“I know,” Luca replies and glances at Thorn. “And he’s just trying to protect everyone, too. We’re on the same damn side, so stop bickering, children.”

“You’re going to make a great mom,” Thorn says.

Luca smiles softly and looks at Ghost. I feel a lot of unspoken words shared amongst the group. Though I don’t belong with these people, I’d rather sit with them than the other Dolls or the estate’s staff. These people right here know Giselle. They also seem to care about her, which makes them good in my eyes.

“Would you like to see pictures of Giselle again?” Thorn asks when I start to cry over how my sister is better off without knowing me.

Normally, when I smile at men, I’m faking my happiness. However, Thorn’s question spurs genuine joy within me. Not only at seeing pictures of my sister, but also that he cares enough to offer.

I don’t know what is waiting for me in Metamora or what is best for Giselle, but right this moment, I feel hope.

TWINKLE TOES

Giselle Reinhart/Apex’s Old Lady

All night, I strugglewith a guilty feeling. I feel like I shouldn’t enjoy my daughters or sweet husband. I don’t deserve any rest. I should suffer like those I left behind.

I don’t know much about my past. However, I’ve been told there are other women like me called Dolls. I don’t know what all that means. People won’t fill in my blanks out of fear of triggering my memories to return. Everyone assumes I’m better off forgetting the past. But I feel like I don’t deserve mercy because I got away and others didn’t.

Even after Apex gets a text from Ghost saying the mission was a success and they’re on their way back to Metamora, I can’t shake how I’m a bad person in need of punishing.

Apex’s beautiful body distracts me for a while. He doesn’t feel real sometimes. Every inch of him is muscled, tanned, tatted perfection. But even if he wasn’t beautiful on the outside, Apex’s heart is enough to brighten the world.

I’m finally able to doze after Anna’s late-night feeding. Hours later, I wake thinking I hear my baby crying. I’m certain someone is stealing her away from me. This is my punishment for escaping and leaving the others behind.

I hurry to Anna’s bedroom to find the tiny beauty still sleeping. She’s terribly small but perfectly healthy. Apex is so afraid to touch her. Though I promise him how his hands are gentle, he doesn’t trust himself not to hurt our sweet baby.

In the next room, I find Amelia wide awake in her crib, sucking on her thumb and staring at the lavender safari animals on her mobile. The white noise machine crackles with faux ocean waves crashing. I watch my daughter for a few minutes before she notices me. Amelia is a haunted little girl. From the beginning, I saw a lot of Apex and me in her broken, needy gaze.

No matter how often I hate myself for escaping and leaving others behind, I can’t regret claiming this child. I might be a bad person, but I’m the one Amelia trusts the most.

I watch my baby girl and wish I could erase her bad memories like mine have been erased. Why should she remember the pain of her short life? The Sanctuary’s child therapist says Amelia might forget the past, but a part of her will always be marked by her first two years under the care of cruel, neglectful people.

When her blue eyes spot me, Amelia stops staring blankly. She wakes up in a new way. I’m her savior. One day, she might forget how I took her from a cold, painful life and offered her warmth and comfort. I won’t be her hero anymore, but I’ll always be her mom.

I lift my daughter into my arms and cradle her against me. We sit in the plush rocking chair where she nuzzles me and I stroke her wild, red hair.

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