Page 114 of Jester

I laugh at his eye roll. “Do you want to fool around to help deal with the disappointment?”

“No, I’d rather just sit in the dark and feel sad,” he replies as his hand cups my tit and his lips find my throat.

We deal with our disappointment well. At dinner, Jester seems fine. Aqua asks if I was right about my late period. When I shake my head, she hands me Vada as a consolation prize.

Never before have I liked babies. They’re simply terrifying. They cry so randomly. Or maybe there’s an instruction manual explaining their cries. All I know is they scare me.

But Vada feels different. Probably, because I’m different now. I want my own little screaming monster. It also helps that Jelly Bean had an easy delivery. I’m filled with a false sense of security over what might happen with me.

I tell everyone I hope it’s a boy, but I really don’t care. I was a butch girl. My nephew Collin is an artsy-sensitive type. There’s no telling what a kid will be like. I just want one with Jester.

When another week passes without my period showing up, I drop by the Refuge Clinic and see if I did my piss test wrong. This one comes back positive. My squeals of triumph draw Doctor Sal to my room.

The man who delivered me tears up when he finds out. He’s been with me at every step of my life, including after the attack. Now, he’ll deliver my baby with Jester.

My stud isn’t sure he trusts this positive test when he arrives at the clinic and hears the news. “The other one said negative.”

“I peed on it wrong,” I reply.

Doctor Sal shakes his head and fights an eye roll. “There wasn’t enough HCG for the test to read the first time. It’s built up over the last week. No one messed up. It’s not a con.”

Jester seems unnerved by the doctor’s certainty. Once we arrive home from the clinic, he sits on the couch and refuses to leave. Papa Bear shows up to hear him out.

“I want a kid,” Jester says when my dad sits nearby. “I want a piece of me and Talon to exist in the world. I need to feel that part of my heart again like with Lando.”

“So, what’s staining your thoughts?” Papa Bear asks.

“Pregnancy is hard on a lady’s body. I read stuff online about how it can be dangerous,” Jester explains as his gray-blue eyes find me. “I can’t be the reason Talon’s in danger.”

“You know Sal will be on top of everything. If Sister Sass has any issues, he’ll deal with them. If she needs to be on bed rest, the Sanctuary will baby her. You and Sister Sass won’t be alone with this.”

Jester nods as if he gets what my dad is saying. Yet, his shoulders remain slumped forward and he seems lost in his head.

“I know how it feels to lose something precious,” Papa Bear tells Jester. “After I lost Betty Boop, I struggled to trust my happiness again. It seemed like a trick to get me to lower my guard. I never wanted to feel such pain again. But with Lady Bug, I had to try. That doesn’t mean I wasn’t scared a lot of the time. I still find myself struck with fear over losing her. Or I’ll feel like Sister Sass is in danger. Sometimes, I’ll remember how I felt when Connor died, so I’ll rush to check on my grandchildren. The fear never fully leaves us. But you have to push past it and let yourself enjoy this life. It’s the only one we get.”

When Jester stares at my dad, I can almost see the kid he used to be. He looks lost in a world he doesn’t fully understand. Jester is young in a lot of ways as if he stopped maturing at some point in his head.

That moment with Papa Bear is when I fully realize how Jester doesn’t understand how love works. He’s seen it from the outside. He feels it for me, and I know he’ll love our child. But he doesn’t really grasp how all-encompassing love is supposed to feel. Or how you need to give yourself completely to those you love.

That’s why he’s so afraid. Jester has torn a gaping hole inside himself to fit his love for me. It just got bigger for this baby. He feels vulnerable, leaving him distrustful of everything outside of this townhome.

I think about how he missed out on Lando in the beginning. He had closed himself off to the baby in the same way he did with most people. Yet, once the little guy was old enough to engage with him, Jester accidentally fell in love. He probably didn’t even comprehend how much he cared for his son until Lando was gone. The feeling in his heart wasn’t anything he understood. So alien, the closeness they shared didn’t register until he lost it.

Wrapping my arms around Jester, I want to fix what his family did to him so long ago. But sometimes, it’s just too late. This is who he is now. Loving me and the baby will hurt him. He’ll get through it, of course. The good will outweigh the bad. Yet, he’ll need support to deal with how love leaves him unprotected.

I keep Jester close over the next few days. Then, he pulls a “Sister Sass move” and ditches me unexpectedly. I assume the worst and imagine him hiding out somewhere. After texting everyone to keep an eye out for Jester, I stay at the townhome and hope he hasn’t gone off the deep end.

When Jester returns home, he’s wearing a smile and driving one of the Sanctuary’s SUVs.

“I got you something,” he says and gestures at the vehicle.

Though I assume his surprise is baby-related, he reveals a beautiful glass shelf like the one Betty Boop kept her favorite things inside. I remember how I’d find her sitting next to it, thinking about her life. Each time, my mom would tell me a story about how she got a figurine, snow globe, or special item. I learned about my parents through those stories.

Now, I have one set up in the corner of the townhome. Jester surprises me again by revealing a gift bag after the shelf is set up.

“I figured your figurine would get lonely in there all alone.”

I immediately tear up at the sight of the statuette of a mom holding her baby. Jester kisses the side of my head before deciding to rearrange the furniture.

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