Page 105 of Jester

“Cookies,” I answer for her. “We’re going to bake cookies today and eat them until our stomachs are full.”

My sister nearly smiles, but she’s not really here with me right now. She’s thinking about the past. While the other Dolls focus on what they don’t like about freedom, seeming delighted over being able to complain without punishment, Celine just stares into space.

Only when we’re back home and the first batch of chocolate chip cookies comes out of the oven does she break free from her waking nightmares. I see her watch Apex throw a cookie in his mouth. Amelia and Clark nibble on mini-cookies. I take a bite and hand one to Care Bear and then Celine.

After a minute of watching us eat, Celine bites into the sweet treat and digs her way out of her head. She keeps looking at us to see if we’re still eating.

A lifetime of evil rules won’t disappear after a little therapy and a cookie pig out. Celine has a long road ahead of her. However, today, she voiced her guilt and found a little relief.

I also realized I’m strong enough to face the past and help my fellow former Dolls. They won’t understand how things work, just like I didn’t. I was strong enough to run, fight back, and survive. If the Ballerina could break free and find happiness, so can they.

OVERLORD

Every Tuesday, I takeScout with me on errands. She’s my little helper as I drive around. We also stop for lunch somewhere and talk about whatever’s on her mind.

I haven’t gotten much alone time with Anthony since he gets skittish when not playing with his friends or with Jules nearby. I usually take the boys to the park to let Anthony get used to me. When he’s older, I hope we can bond better.

I get regular alone time with each of my girls. Usually, I take Evie to the horse ranch on Thursdays. She tells me long stories while the pony walks in a circle. I help her feed and care for the animal after she’s finished. Evie always says “You did good, Daddy” when we’re finished.

With Zoey, we spend our alone time, walking around the Sanctuary. She likes to threaten people. We also talk about her mom. Sometimes, she cries, and I have to carry her back to the house. But she no longer asks me to bring her mom back. Zoey’s hit the point in her grief where she accepts her mom can only be alive in our memories.

Scout still lives with the trauma of her time at the Cahuenga compound. She watched her brothers die. I see her getting startled when too many bikers are around. She knows them and understands they’re our friends, but she can’t help having flashbacks to when similar-looking men hurt people she cared about.

Today, we don’t talk about the painful past. She has been nervous about riding horses since she fell off a pony. Scout is prone to giving up on things that scare her. She’s a lot like Jules that way.

“I fell off my motorcycle,” I tell her as we sit at Bacon Haven Diner for lunch. “I was a teenager, and a bunch of people saw.”

Sitting between the window and me in the booth, Scout asks, “Did you get hurt?”

“Just a little, but I was mostly embarrassed. I wanted to be cool like my dad and all the people I knew growing up. But I just crashed.”

As her feet tap to Waylon Jennings playing overhead, Scout gets my meaning. I obviously got back on my motorcycle and tried again.

When I think back to the day Scout fell, she seemed more embarrassed than hurt. Kat had been riding, too, and she looks up to my little sister. While Kat seems effortlessly cool for a kid, Scout is more self-conscious.

Jules was the same way. I think my love talked herself out of doing a lot in life, just to avoid feeling awkward. I hadn’t noticed that back in the day. Jules was a beautiful child. I found her easy to be around, so I assumed she was easygoing. But now I look back and realize she was always watching people do things rather than doing them herself.

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