Page 102 of Jester

“Why not go by Giselle?”

“It’s just how things are. I’ve never heard anyone call Lady Bug anything except her old-lady name. No, I guess, her daughters call her mom. But otherwise, she’s only Lady Bug. It’s her identity at the Sanctuary.”

Celine shuffles along next to me. Our shoulders regularly brush together. Her hand remains in mine.

“If you were to marry someone at the Sanctuary, would you not want an old lady name?” I ask, hoping to focus her on something besides seeing the women at HQ.

Celine blinks rapidly. I see on her face the exact moment when she thinks of Thorn. A small smile warms her face, and she breathes differently.

“I don’t know what I’d be called.”

“Well, I’m Twinkle Toes because of the dancing. Care Bear is because she is like Papa Bear’s adopted daughter and she’s at her best when she’s caring for others. Eliza is Bo Peep because she’s got all those cats following her around.”

“How did Lady Bug get her name?”

“She thought lady bugs were good omens. She saw one when she first got here and felt like she’d be okay.”

As we near HQ, I snicker and nudge her. “I think some of the old ladies got their names because of sex stuff. I know Sweet Buns is because she has a nice butt.”

Celine shares my grin. “I don’t want a name related to my body.”

Nodding, I try to imagine what life was like in Primrose. Our only value came from our looks. Is that the real reason Celine wears such heavy clothes despite the warm weather?

“Does Apex still find you appealing, even though, um, you’re, um, you had a baby?”

Realizing she means I’m still carrying baby weight, I rub my belly. “Of course. Apex is in love with all of me. And I put on weight before I got pregnant.”

“It’s all the food,” Celine says, clearly feeling guilty over asking. “You eat at HQ three times a day. We never ate so much at home.”

“Well, that’s because we were supposed to be skinny and young and objects. Here, we can eat when we’re hungry. Women are all different at the Sanctuary. Some are really skinny. Others are really curvy. There are no rules.”

Celine stops before we enter and asks, “Do you think Thorn will see me as gross if I don’t look like I did when we met?”

“I don’t think he liked how you were dressed like a cheerleader. All that evil stuff makes him sad. He knew you weren’t yourself in Primrose. You’ve been wearing baggy clothes since you got here, but he still wants to be around you. He isn’t worried about your weight or what you wear. He just likes you.”

“Why?”

“Why do you like him?”

“He’s so beautiful,” she says and then looks around nervously like she might get in trouble.

“The Sanctuary is full of beautiful man. Apex wasn’t the only attractive man I met when I got here, but he was the only one I liked. He’s special. I don’t want anyone else touching me. Apex was always mine.”

Celine stares at me like my words make no sense ot her. Finally, she gets a goofy little smile on her face.

“Thorn held me in his lap at the clinic when I got upset. I’d never had a man treat me so kindly. I want him to want me, but I feel like he can do better.”

“Your mind doesn’t belong to you yet. It’s got all those old evil rules from the Primrose people. One day, you’ll own your thoughts. Until then, you can’t believe many of them,” I say and brush her hair off her shoulders and hug her. “You aren’t the cheerleader anymore. You’re Celine, and she gets to eat when she’s hungry and wear whatever she wants.”

“I just want to be normal and pretend like the past didn’t happen.”

Considering her words, I glance into HQ. The place looks empty, but I think everyone’s already in the back meeting room.

“I’m probably not the person to say this. I don’t remember my past, so my words might sound too easy. But Apex doesn’t do well when he hides from his past. He thinks he can forget, but all that stuff is still in his heart. Since his mom died, he’s let me put a picture of his dead brother up. At first, he wanted to pretend like Crispin didn’t exist as if he could forget his pain. But it doesn’t work that way. Now he can see his brother and remember the good times they shared. It's not easy, but I don’t think you should forget. That’s why you’re having therapy. To deal with the past and learn how to be in the present. Not just to forget.”

When Celine stares at me, I add, “But I could be wrong.”

“I’m afraid of this group therapy thing,” Celine says and frowns at HQ. “I don’t want to see the others.”

---