Page 66 of His Own Heaven

She looked terrified.

But of what? Her parents, or him?

She swallowed hard. “I killed my brother.”

Chapter Twenty

“Get off me.”

Lucy scrambled away from Toby and pulled her knees to her chest, tried to make herself as small a target as possible.

That’s what she’d always done when she felt threatened, when her mother went on another drunken tirade about how everything bad in her life could be blamed on Lucy’s distinct lack of a penis.

She could hear Toby pacing back and forth at the foot of the bed but she refused to look at him. His dark tone as he’d spat those three little words at her had cut deep. But what had she expected? That he’d pat her on the head and say “It’s okay, baby. I understand”…? How could he possibly understand what she’d done?

How could anyone?

Tears scalded the backs of her eyes but she pressed her lips together as tight as she could, trapping inside the sobs that were desperately clawing their way up her throat, stopping them from escaping. She had no right to cry.

Suddenly Toby sat beside her, the bed dipped and creaked under his weight. Peeking out through the fall of her hair, Lucy saw his knuckles blanche as his hands clenched on his knees. An odd sensation stabbed at her as she watched his long, thick fingers grip and flex.

A mixture of lust, fear and longing arrowed through her and angled downwards as the memory of those hands on her body assaulted her, making her bite her lip to stifle a moan as she remembered how he’d touched her, caressed her.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Toby cleared his throat. “I’d like to say I won’t hurt you,” he said gruffly, “but I think I just did. Didn’t I?”

Slowly, Lucy lifted her head and stared at him. Toby was so tall that even sitting down she had to look up to meet his gaze, and what she saw there only made her determined to shove her fear back, to push it down and keep it at bay. She’d never get through this if she didn’t.

“It’s not the worst thing anyone has ever said to me,” she said quietly, meeting his remorseful gaze. “And it’s not like you didn’t warn me.”

Toby frowned. “Warn you about what?”

Her lips lifted with a sardonic tilt. “That you suck at talking to people.”

The big man let loose a bark of laughter, the rough sound breaking the tension between them. “I’m sorry, Lucy. My mouth ran away from me before my brain could catch up.”

“It’s okay,” she said, wishing she could rewind the last five minutes and explain herself better. Wishing she’d said anything other than “I killed my brother”. No matter how true a statement it may be.

“No, it isn’t.” Toby took a breath, as though he was thinking carefully about what to say next. “I was insensitive to your needs, but I’ve gotten over myself,” he said, his tone repentant, “and now I’ll shut up and listen to what you have to say. I asked you to tell me everything. It was unfair of me to push you away just because you said something I’m….”—he paused again—“struggling to understand.”

Lucy offered him a small smile and nodded once to acknowledge his apology. “Sometimes I struggle to understand what happened too.”

Toby reached out and settled one big hand over hers. “Tell me,” he said, the words more request than demand.

Lucy focussed on the feel of his hand, the roughness of his palm where it pressed against her skin, the strength of his fingers as he wrapped them around hers. And she drew strength from him. Toby’s quiet presence as he sat beside her filled her with hope and loosened her tongue.

Even if her only hope was that he didn’t reject her again once he knew the whole, terrible truth.

“Okay. Well, I can’t really tell you something without telling you everything, so here goes.” She took a sip of water. “Joining the fire brigade was a Barton family tradition. My pop, my dad and my brother—Michael—were all firefighters and I wanted to join too. Dad told me I could join up, but only after I finished university.”

“I’m guessing he didn’t make your brother do that?”

Lucy stared at the floor and shook her head. “Dad was never a big supporter of women in the ranks. I think he thought I’d change my mind once I saw what else was on offer.”

“But he was wrong?”

Lifting her head again, she let herself grin. “Oh yeah. He was so wrong. The day after I received my degree in business management, I applied to Queensland Fire and Rescue and I got in. Dad wasnothappy about it, but Michael gave me a high-five and took me out for ice cream to celebrate.”

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