Page 116 of The Sound Of Silence

“What the hell does that mean?”

“Relax or you’ll have the same problem. I’m just a little stressed from my week away. I’ll rest this week and then—”

“Tomorrow you’ll stress out even more because you’ll be in the spotlight?” he cuts in, his voice almost lyrical.

“Fuck off. I’m fine.”

“That’s what she said.”

I’m not sure that’s how that joke works, but I still huff out a laugh as I shake my head and say goodbye, hanging up before he has the chance to say anything else. The last thing I want is for this to become a bigger deal than it is. I am fine. Fine in the literal sense, not the urban dictionary definition.

Just like I said I would, I start my relaxing week that evening. My version of relaxing, anyway.

“Come on, ump! That call was bullshit.” My fists clench as I yell at the television, getting my frustrations out on the umpire stationed at third base. There’s no way that guy was safe. It’s the last inning and my team’s about to lose. I’m not entirely sure this is helping my stress levels, but at least it’s taking my mind off things. Off her.

Uh, who the fuck am I kidding?She’s never far from the forefront of my mind. Even the pitcher's wife reminds me of Willow, with her long blonde curls and classically beautiful looks. I’ve had plenty of time to come to this conclusion because the camera keeps flashing her way. I think I’ve seen her on the screen more often than him. But that’s what you get when you marry a supermodel. She steals your thunder.

Evening turns to night, and as I watch darkness take over the sky and the shadows surface, it feels like a metaphor for my life. I had it all. At least, I had everything I thought I wanted. But one wrong turn and I’m thrown back into the black hole that was my previous existence, the life I managed to outrun. And while my nightmares lurk a short distance behind me, threatening me at every turn, I can’t even be angry because I chose this fucking path. And by refusing to cut Willow from my life, I’m choosing to risk purgatory, to tempt fate, to live my life knowing that if the truth comes out, it will ruin both of us.

And the only reason for my madness…her.

Chapter Forty-Six

Willow

Mystorewasn’tasbusy as I would have hoped for a Saturday, especially considering the bridge had reopened. But I still let time run away from me, mostly from staring at the wall lost in thought.

Since it’s been so slow, I could have left early, but it’s only when the sun lowers in the sky that I realize how late it is and start to close up. Going through the motions that have become my daily routine is a clear representation of how I live my cookie-cutter life, like I don’t have the means to change it.

But I do.

This ismylife. Of course I can change it. I just need to take a chance and step off the ride, no matter how fast it’s going.

I pack up my things, but the thought of going home to Pippa and Ryan has me instantly cringing. I never once considered the possibility of interrupting an intimate moment between Pippa and Jesse, but with her and Ryan, I’m almost certain it will happen. With Jesse, it’s like I had a sixth sense, an inner voice telling me that the scene playing out before me was wrong, it was abstractly skewed, and the real story was yet to come. Or maybe it was just wishful thinking on my part. Either way, I’d been right. And I’m likely to be right in this instance too.

I get Pippa’s reasons for still being here, and I don’t envy her having to explain it all to Mom and Dad, but I need my space now more than ever. I’ll miss her like crazy, but I’m not sure how much longer I can keep up this new charade. The one where I pretend I’m not heartbroken and stupidly falling for someone I may never fully have. I guess the silver lining is that at least her focus has been on her own problems instead of mine, and she’ll undoubtedly leave the moment after she tells them the truth, making sure she’s long gone for the aftermath. I just have to hope she doesn’t bring me and Jesse into her mess. I’m not ready to leave the tiny bubble we’ve created for ourselves, and I’m convinced that if we do, it won’t end well for me.

My hand hovers over the light switch in the back room while I consider my options. It’s my house. I shouldn’t feel uncomfortable going home, but I’m also not in the mood to see a loved-up couple right now. Decision made, I keep the light on. If I’m going to hide away for a few hours, I may as well be productive.

After texting Pippa that I’ll be home late, I connect my phone to the speakers and hit play on my music app. A familiar beat permeates the air, but I can’t place it until the vocals kick in, making me burst out laughing. “Too Much Love Will Kill You,” by Queen. I haven’t even decided if I love Jesse, but I feel this song down to the very essence of my soul, and it makes me wonder if the situation I’ve found myself in is lose-lose. Jesse’s adamant that being together will break me, but right now it feels like a piece of me is missing without him.

Either way, I’m damaged goods. And I’m sick of playing it safe. Sick of following the rules when I don’t even know who set them. Smile. Be courteous. Don’t wallow in sadness. Stay within the lines. Smile. Be grateful. Respect your elders. Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to. Smile. Don’t talk back. Smile. Smile. Smile.

I’ve been faking my smile since the moment I woke up in the hospital, and Jesse’s the only person to ever see through it. The only one to question me.

I blow out a breath as my head drops back against the wall with a thud, and even after banging it a few times, I still can’t see sense. Though I’m not entirely sure what the right thing is anymore.

My phone vibrates again, and when Mom come up on the screen, I decide I can’t hold back anymore.

“Mom, I—”

“Hi, sweetie, it’s late, but Pippa said you’re at work. Do you want me to send some food home with her so that you eat?”

Straight to the point.

“No, that’s okay. I’ll grab something, but I need to talk—”

“Oh. It’s just that you’re looking thinner and—”

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