Page 154 of Games of Death and Desire

I can’t stop a giggle from tumbling out of my mouth. “Are you sure you really want to put yourself through hearing the details?”

I have to look at it the right way. What I’m gaining instead of what I can’t have. I shouldn’t really be here at all experiencing any of this.She pauses, and her tone turns sly.And I’m not sure I wanted to miss seeing Stavros finally, completely won over. Why are things so tense between the two of you again?

I wrinkle my nose. “Everything you could probably tell was about to happen happened, and then I got nervous that he wouldn’t be happy about it when he fully woke up. And he admitted that he still doesn’t totally trustme. I didn’t stick around to hear his excuses about why.”

Julita lets out a humph.That man. He’s got to get his head on straight eventually. Do what you will with him once he does. And don’t hold yourself back with Alek and Casimir anymore either. I should have argued with you when you first told me you’d backed off.

And this—this is exactly why the thought of the ghost in my head departing sets my emotions off-kilter. We understand each other. We have each other’s backs as well as we can, just like I said to her.

“I don’t know about Stavros,” I say. “But the others—are yousure?”

Absolutely. You should be soaking up all that adoration, and I’ll enjoy the afterglow. It’s more fun sharing your life if you’re enjoying it too. I simply forgot that for a little while.

I swallow thickly. “Well, thank you.”

I should be thanking you. You could have told me good riddance a few minutes ago.

The water is starting to cool around me. I stretch out my legs and inhale more of the herbal scent, and then reach for the lever to open the drain. “Hopefully we’ll have time for a little more enjoyment before we get to the murdering.”

Julita gives the impression of a wince.You’d think King Konram would be grateful enough for everything you’ve already done not to lay that on you too.If I could—

She halts, with a pensive silence that puts me on the alert.

“What?” I prodafter a moment as I climb out of the tub.

I wonder if my gift would still work. If you let me take charge briefly again. We could call on the king, and I could tell him you’re not going to be his assassin, and he’d have to accept it.

I wrap one of the fluffy towels around me as I ponder her offer. “We don’t know for sure that your giftwouldstill work when you’re not in the body that made the sacrifice. If it doesn’t, the confrontation could go very badly.”

I suppose that’s true. It’d be difficult to test since we don’t know who would request something and be unwilling to accept a no unless I compelled it.

I rub the towel over my head and hesitate in front of the room’s tall mirror. My pale reflection gazes back at me, my figure no longer quite as scrawny now that I’ve had the benefit of the college dining hall for several weeks of meals, although my elbows are as knobby as ever and the muscles I’ve honed stand out against my sallow skin. Plenty of scars mar that skin even without my back in view.

I still don’t look like a noble. I look like a woman who’s had to see and do more than anyone really should.

And maybe that’s okay.

I pull my posture straighter. “Someone has to deal with Ster. Torstem. It might as well be me. Iamin by far the best position to handle him quickly and without causing a bigger ruckus.”

You don’twantto perform an assassination, do you? I know you’ve hated having to kill before—even Esmae.

“I have hated it,” I say quietly. “But I didn’t want to come to the college at all. I didn’t want to take on any of these responsibilities. I just liked the idea of what might happen if I didn’t even less. That hasn’t changed.”

Even if carrying out this final part of the mission gets me killed too.

Julita is quiet for a moment. Then she says,I think I can see why Kosmel called on you.

I snort. “If he ever bothers to speak to me again.Hewas totally unhelpful last night. Couldn’t even give me a dice roll.”

I suppose it’s difficult to interpret the actions of the gods.

“I don’t know. That felt like a pretty clear ‘Fuck you.’ But it doesn’t really matter. I got into this mission without him, so I’ll get out of it without him too.”

By the time I’ve dressed, the restlessness that drove me out of the bathing room before has crept back in.

It’s evening now. Stavros will be back in his quarters soon if he isn’t already.

Casimir said I have the room until midnight, so I can’t hide away here for the whole night. And the thought of falling asleep and having to be kicked out makes my skin crawl.

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