I'm content to stay alone, but there's an odd loneliness that comes with it. It's like being the last person standing at a party after everyone else has gone home or paired off to go hook up with a stranger.
I've never been that person.
I turn off the TV and pick up my phone, scrolling through my contacts and realizing that I don't really have any friends. It's a horrible sensation—that I really depended on Kylie, and now she's not here and I just...
It reminds me of when she first got together with my dad. We didn't talk for a week, and the days were the loneliest week of my life.
So I pull up her number and text her anyway.
Hope you're having fun!
I give it a few minutes to see if she'll call...and then I get a notification. It's a selfie of her standing on the French Riviera, wearing sunglasses and a blissful smile, my dad's arm around her.
I toss the phone down with a sigh...and with one quick breath, I pick it up again to dial my mom’s number.
"Hey, honey," she says when she picks up. "I was wondering if you'd call this weekend."
She knows about the wedding, and she's still not happy about it. I get why—she doesn't have any allegiance to my dad, and she's protective of me and Kylie. I tried to convince her to come to the wedding, to make amends for me and Kylie's sake, but she said she was too busy with work and semi-politely declined.
Now, she doesn't sound supportive.
She sounds annoyed.
"You busy?" I ask, my voice small.
"I'm never too busy for my only daughter," she says, her voice softening. "Sorry if I sounded short—things really have been busy at work."
"I know," I lie. I wish she didn't feel like she had to make up excuses not to come to New York; it's okay for it to be hard. But I don't say those words out loud. "Well, I can let you go if—"
"No, Maddie," she says, going into full mom mode. "Talk to me. How was it?"
I sigh and run my fingers through my hair, shaking my head. "Not a word of this to Dad, okay?"
"My lips are sealed."
"It was..." I huff. "Weird."
"Of course it was," she says. "That's to be expected. You knew it would be."
"But I don't think that fully prepared me for how weird it was," I say. "I think I just—I had this idea of what Kylie's wedding would be like, and it wasn't that. Not only did I not get to celebrate with her like I wanted, I just don't know if I can ever truly support their relationship."
"You won't have to for long," my mom says. "He'll end it eventually and upgrade to a newer model."
That one hurts—and I can't contain the chastising "Mom!" that slips past my lips. "She's not a 'model,' she's a person. And honestly...I know this hurts to hear, but I really think he loves her.”
My mother sighs on the other end, and I can almost sense her reluctance to agree with me. "I know," she admits. "It's just hard. He hurt us both so much."
That's probably why this is so hard to talk about—everyone in my life has an opinion about what happened, and they're all too eager to share.
"I know," I say again, feeling emotionally drained. "But Kylie's happy. And I can't fault her for that." There's a pause between us, and I can tell my mom is thinking of what to say next. "I just feel...lost. I don't know what to do now that she's gone."
"She's not gone, honey—she's just out of town."
"Not like that," I say. "I mean the apartment. It feels wrong without her."
"Well, what do you want to do?" she asks, her tone gentle but firm. "You could find a new roommate."
"I don't know," I admit, feeling a bit embarrassed. "I just feel like I have no purpose now that she's not here to hang out with or talk to. And yeah, I've considered getting a new roommate, but no one will measure up. She's my best friend."