Page 78 of Always Mine

I know immediately what’s wrong when he stiffens above me, and I could kick myself for being so careless. Blame the heat of the moment. We should have had this conversation before, but I just couldn’t wait. I wanted him that badly, but now I’ve fucked it up.

“Paxton.”

His eyes fly up to mine and I see the sadness there that he tries to cover. “It’s fine. Sorry, it just took me off guard.”

He sits up, pulling out of me and I want to cry for ruining our moment. “I feel guilty.”

“No.” He shakes his head, grabbing his t-shirt to wipe up, before doing the same thing to me. I want to weep at how gentle and thoughtful he’s being. Between this, the tattoo, and the sex we just had, I feel really emotionally destroyed. “Please don’t. I get it. I really, really do. It just hit me hard, you know. The weight of how badly I fucked up. I mean, I always knew that but… I’m not making much sense.”

“I get it and I’m sorry. I need you to know that I didn’t do it to hurt you.” I didn’t, hands involuntarily covering up my skin as if it’ll erase the memory that once lingered there. I was so sad and needed the reminder of him off of me.

He reaches for his boxers, sliding them on, before doing the same with mine, all the while, I’m just laying here, staring at him. I finally get the courage to sit up, taking my shirt and pulling it on, desperately wanting to cover my naked chest. Sitting back down beside me in just his boxers, Pax takes hold of my hands.

“Wy, I’m not upset with you. If anything I’m angry at myself. I know how badly I messed up and I’ll never fault you for doing what you needed to take care of yourself,” he says sincerely. He brings my hands to his lips, kissing my knuckles. “Please, don’t be sad.”

I try like hell to push the guilt away, wanting to believe his words so badly, but I’m plagued with these feelings and I don’t know how to make them stop. “Okay,” I mutter, plastering on a smile so he doesn’t worry.

“Good,” he whispers, dropping my hands and kissing my lips.

We get dressed, spending the rest of the night up here talking and kissing. It’s so much like old times and I try really hard to let the uneasy feelings evaporate.

Sadly, it doesn’t work and that night when I lay down for bed my dreams are taken over by my nightmares.

* * *

“Wantto do an early run at the lake tomorrow before you head out?” I ask Paxton around a mouthful of sandwich. It’s our last night together before he leaves tomorrow, and I’m trying to make the most of the time he has left.

He doesn’t respond, and I look up from my food to see he’s zoned out again. He’s been acting off for the last few days. I thought maybe it was just college nerves, but it feels like it’s more than that. I’ve tried to talk to him about it a few times, but he brushes me off, telling me that everything’s fine. I don’t believe that though. I’ve known Paxton my whole life and can read him like a book. Something’s up, I just wish he’d talk to me about it.

“Pax?” I lean forward waving a hand in his face to grab his attention.

“What?” He blinks, eyebrows furrowed as he glances around. “What’s up?”

“I was talking to you.”

“Sorry, I missed it,” he mumbles, looking down at his own plate.

We’re currently in our hideaway, sitting in the back of his truck having our version of a picnic. It’s not much of one considering he hasn’t eaten anything. “You okay?”

He looks at me and I watch as his Adam’s apple bobs before he plasters on that fake smile that I’ve come to despise over the last few days. “I’m fine. Just tired. Don’t worry.”

“Paxton,” I whisper, suddenly not feeling hungry. “I know something is bothering you.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“How could I not? You’re leaving tomorrow. How can I feel good about you being thousands of miles away if I feel like something is wrong between us.”

“What makes you think it’s about you?”

I push my plate to the side, feeling like I’m going to puke. “I don’t know. You won’t talk to me. You’ve been distant. Even canceled plans with me a few days ago, which you’ve never done before.”

He looks at me, opening and closing his mouth several times before defeat crosses his features. “I just have a lot on my mind.”

“Damn it, Paxton.” I move his own plate, taking hold of his hands and pleading with my eyes for him to talk to me. “I want to make it better. Let me help.”

“It’s not anything you can do. It’s me. My head it’s all fucked up.”

“Can you try? I’m here and I’ll try and help you in any way I can.”

---