Page 25 of Always Mine

“Lily told me what happened tonight.”

Of course, she did. I sigh, crossing my ankles and clutching the mug tighter. “Is she okay?”

“She feels bad. She really wasn’t trying to hurt you.”

“I know that. I did from the beginning, but it’s still so messed up.” I look at Ma, thankful she doesn’t look angry. “I may have lost my temper with her.”

She hums thoughtfully, fiddling with the tie of her robe. “You did, but it was warranted, and she knows it. I think she realizes now exactly how bad of an idea it was.”

“It was so,sobad, Ma.”

We don’t say anything for several moments. The leaves rustling in the distance, the horses’ soft neighs, and the swing creaking cancels out the silence. It’s nice. Comforting. The perfect resolution to the shitty day I had.

“You want to talk about it?” she finally questions, cutting through my peace.

Do I want to? Not really. Do I think I need to? Absolutely.

“I don’t know where to start,” I admit. “My mind feels like it’s reached maximum capacity, but I’m not sure how to purge it.”

“You’ve been avoiding so much when it comes to Wyatt, so that doesn’t surprise me.”

“It’s hard to talk about him. I’m always scared that when I do, it’ll be similar to unsealing a can of biscuits. Once it’s popped, there’s no way to close it.” It’s not the best analogy, but it’s the best I have.

She reaches over, giving my thigh a squeeze. “The problem with that, Paxton, is eventually you’re going to explode. It doesn’t matter how much avoiding you do. You can’t outrun your feelings forever. Everything catches up at some point.”

“Is he happy?” I don’t know why I started with that, other than it seems like the easiest route.

“He’s getting by.” She shifts to get a better look at me. Our lighting is terrible though, the porch light shadowing half her features. “I think he’s doing the same thing you are. Existing, but not really living.”

“I don’t think that’s what I’m doing.” Is it? I think back to Cali, the parties, the friends I’ve made. All the years of football and classes. I’ve been living… haven't I?

“In the last three years, tell me five times that you were truly happy. I don’t mean superficially either. I want soul-imprinting happiness. Moments you’ll remember forever.”

I hold up my good hand as I think. “Playing ball,” I start, ticking off a finger. “Maintaining a 4.0 average and keeping my scholarship.” I drop another digit. “Rushing a frat, even though I was terrible and didn’t get in.” I pause, searching for what to say next.

“Is that all?”

“I’m thinking.”

She gives me time, but as I sort through my thoughts and think back over the parties, the games, the life I’ve built in Cali, I can’t pinpoint too many moments that gave me the wow factor.That can’t be right.

“If it’s taking you this long, you have to realize that what I’m saying is true.”

“Ma, I love my life in Cali. Just because it’s not groundbreaking news, doesn’t mean I’m not enjoying myself.”

“So what about here?”

I cock a brow, not understanding her question. “What do you mean?”

“It’s been a few days, how does being here compare to there?”

I think about how I felt seeing Wyatt at Red’s. How I felt whole again for the first time in so long. It felt right, like coming home. Like for the first time in so long everything in the world made sense again. Even though the emptiness was back five seconds later when he fled.

“You don’t need to answer. Your facial expressions give you away.”

“There was no expression,” I toss back quickly, trying not to panic.

“Oh, please.” She scoffs, folding her arms over her chest, completely unamused. “You went through the five stages of grief in mere seconds.”

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