Page 79 of Always Mine

His eyes are so sad, and there is so much worry lingering in their depths. “What if I fail? What if it’s too much? I’m worried I’m not going to be able to handle all the stress and responsibility.”

I almost sigh in relief that it’s not something more. He’s just feeling the pressure of everything that’s happening. It makes sense. Moving to Cali is a huge step, and adding college and football into the mix is a lot. I don’t want to tell him that though. It’ll only stress him out more, so I try a different approach, wanting to reassure him. “You can! You will. It’s not much different than what you’ve done for the last several years.”

His brow lifts and I see as the worry turns to annoyance quickly. “I don’t know how you could compare. They’re nowhere near the same. College is harder, so much more pressure to keep my grades high. Then I have to worry about balancing good grades while playing football, not only for my scholarship but to ensure I get a degree as a backup plan for if football falls through.” He pulls away from me, standing and hopping down from the truck. “I mean, it’s a lot. Then on top of that, I’ll have to worry about things here.”

I watch him pace back and forth, not sure what to say. I feel like I stuck my whole foot in my mouth by choosing the wrong thing to say moments ago and I’ve only caused his spiral to worsen.

“I’m sorry,” I mutter, which is apparently not the right thing to say either.

“Well, that’s helpful.” His sarcastic tone pisses me off. I get that he’s stressed, and has a lot going on, but I’m really trying to help and he’s making me feel like shit over it.

“Hey!” I bark out, hopping down from the truck myself. “I get you’ve got a lot going on, but don’t take your shit out on me. I’m trying to help.”

“Trying to help, how? By giving me some throw-away advice.”

“What the fuck, Paxton? Don’t be a dick.”

He inhales slowly, turning away from me. “Damn it,” he growls, ripping off his ball cap and tossing it across the field. “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to fight.”

I go to him, reaching out to rest a palm on his back. “It’s okay—”

“It’s not.” He spins around, knocking my hand off of him in the process. “I’m not even gone yet and we’re already drifting.”

His eyes are wild, he looks undone. What the heck is happening right now? Paxton is the easy-going one. The no-sweat-off-my-back guy most of the time, so the fact that this is unraveling him is freaking me out.

“Hey.” I hold my hands up like you would a rabid animal. “It’s okay. I know it’s overwhelming and you’re going through a lot but it will all be okay.”

“But what if it isn’t?”

“Then we’ll cross that bridge once we get there.”

He’s shaking slightly, looking around frantically like he’s searching for something. I think he’s having a panic attack. Should I call his Ma? I’m ashamed to say I don’t know how to handle Paxton like this, and that’s a first for me. That thought has my own panic rushing forward.

“It’s too much. It’s all too much.”

“Paxton, I think you need to breathe—”

“No, I need to deal with it. Figure out all the problems now so they don’t pressure me later.”

“Okay…” I say at a complete loss. “What do you think will help?”

“If I knew, don't you think I’d have done it already?” he snaps and I flinch at his tone. He’s never like this with me. I’m pretty sure I’m looking at an imposter. Who the hell is this person? His eyes widen when he sees my reaction and he reaches out to touch me before stopping. “I’m sorry. I’m messing this all up.”

We’re silent. Him thinking too much. Me not thinking at all. I’m too busy watching him. Trying to prepare for whatever the hell he’s going to do next. In hindsight though, I don’t think I will ever be prepared for it.

“I think… I need to take a step back. A break, maybe?”

“Can you push going to school back a few days?”

He looks at me for a moment, expression sad like he’s come to some kind of resolution that I’m not getting. “I think I need a break.”

There’s something about the way he says break that hits me square in the chest, but surely he’s not meaning what I think he is, right? I push a palm to my chest, feeling the harsh thuds of my heart underneath.

“Me? You mean me? You don’t want to be with me?” It’s a throwaway comment. I’m not expecting him to actually agree. The opposite actually. I’m expecting him to roll his eyes, tell me I’m being dramatic and wrap me in a hug. Only. Only…

“Pax?” My voice cracks, and my heart does the same as I hang in limbo for him to say something. To say anything to reassure me that I’m wrong.

“I think maybe that’s best for right now.” He’s not looking at me, his body slumped as he stares down at the ground. It’s funny. He’s usually so strong and confident, but right now he’s being a coward.

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