Page 33 of Always Mine

“What’s talking to him going to do?” My voice is pitched with annoyance.

His lips purse and I see him turning over what to say in his mind. My dad’s a man of few words. He’s a thinker, very level-headed, and reasonable. Whereas, Ember and I take after our mom; quick to jump the gun and lose our shit. Mine is the tamest of them all, but when you cross the line with me, it’s hard to come back.

“It’ll make you feel better,” he finally says, turning to look at me. “You can let out all the pent-up feelings you’ve been hanging on to all these years.”

I try to imagine a conversation I’d have with Paxton. We never fought in the past. I can think of a handful of disagreements we had and even that never led to full-on brawls and yelling. Now, though? I can see myself punching him and saying a ton of things I don’t mean just to be spiteful, but that’s not what I want either. I guess in this situation being quiet is better than being hostile.

Isn’t it?

“Doubt I could be civil. I’d probably yell at him.” Let’s be honest, I’d likely go feral. I can’t think rationally when it comes to him, and being face-to-face after so long, shedding all these feelings… I don’t think either of us could handle it.

“Then yell,” he tells me nonchalantly. “If you need to scream, do it. Kick some hay, throw some shit. Feel it all, Wyatt. Feel it and then let it go. You can’t hold on to this forever.”

“I don’t think you realize what you’re saying. I’d lose my mind.”

“This has been a long time coming. You’ve put it off, you’ve buried it, and you’ve tried to pretend you were fine but the second he shows back up your whole facade crumbles. That’s gotta tell you something.”

Yeah, that I’m pathetic.

“The only thing it’s telling me is what a fool I am,” I snap, doing a slow pace down the fence and coming back. “Who spends three years hung up on one person? It’s insulting,frustrating. I mean, you heard what I said.He’s fine.Literally fine. Not a care in the world. Walking around town like he never left. Like the last three years never happened. Hell, what about the seven before that...” My voice is rising with every word, causing my irritation to bloom further, and all I see is red. “He wants to befriends. How is it fair that he can erase what we had so easily? Set us back to simple friendship? Like writing in the sand being swept away with the ocean. Yet here I am, trying to hide the concrete imprint he made like a fucking Hollywood star.” I reach up, snatching off my hat and tossing it across the field. “It’s bullshit. It pisses me off more than I think him leaving ever did. I’m offended, so fucking hurt at his dismissal, and the worst thing is he didn’t even apologize.”

I’m panting, eyes wide, similar to a rabid animal now. He works me up past the point of being able to think rationally, and my dad thinks talking to him will do me good? I’m more likely to end up in a permanent orange jumpsuit because that’s how much rage I feel.

“And that’s the kind of thing you need to tell him.” Dad’s voice is calm, his body relaxed, and I try to channel some of his energy into myself. I don’t think it works, though.

“I refuse to lay my vulnerability out there for him to see. The fact that I’m tellingyouis humiliating enough, but him? I don’t need him to know that his hold on mestillruns that deep. That even after all this time, he has the ability to hurt me this badly. I won’t do it, Dad. I can’t.” My voice breaks on the last word, further adding to my demise. I wish I could go back in time and warn myself to not fall in love with Paxton Prescott. It’d save me so much trouble and pain.

Dad doesn’t say anything for a long while, fingers dragging through his beard as he thinks, but when he finally does speak it’s nothing I want to hear.

“Do you really think he’s fine?”

I can’t stop the laugh from bubbling past my lips. “Have you seen him? I’d say he’s pretty fine.”

“I’ve seen him, but I’ve also seen you. You’ve put up this wall, this shield, trying to keep everyone from seeing what’s going on inside your head. How can you be sure he’s not doing the same?” He sounds all-knowing, especially when he delivers that speech with such calm reasoning.

There’s a thought, something that’s crossed my mind a few times, and maybe if I didn’t know Paxton so well, I’d be able to believe that. Where it stands, though, I can’t make myself find that to be true.

I shake my head in disagreement. “I’ve always been able to read him our whole lives, and not once has he been able to hide from me. Why wouldnowbe any different?”

“It’s been three years. Think of how much you’ve changed and grown as a person. The extremes you’ve gone to make everyone thinkyou’refine. You don’t think it’s the same for him? I mean, he’s not in the best position. Coming back here, not knowing who you’re close with or what to expect from the people he used to be close with. It’s like walking into a snake pit. He’s playing roulette right now. If I had to guess, I’d say he’s just as much on the defense as you are.”

That can’t be right.

That’s not who Paxton is. He’s always been the fly-by-the-seat-of-his-pants type, not really caring what anyone thinks or has to say.

I remember when he kissed me for the first time. We weren’t even dating, barely teenagers, but he did it with so much confidence, just like he did with everything else in his life. I could have punched him square in the face for all he knew, but it didn’t stop him from kissing me anyway.

When we came out as a couple, I was scared out of my damn mind. If it had been up to me, we’d have stayed a secret. Not Paxton, though. I will never forget the way he grabbed my hand at Lake Cani and announced to everyone there that we were boyfriends. He’s fearless about everything.

I feel like my dad just doesn’t get it, and mostly… “I feel like you’re taking his side.” I’m a mix of defensiveness and aggravation.

“I’m not taking his side, but I think you’re too close to the situation to think about it rationally. I think, deep down, you know I’m right, but you’re too stubborn to admit it… The thought of him still caring about you scares you more than if he didn’t.”

“Why would you think that?”

“Because if he still cares and you still care, it leaves the bridge open for him to hurt you again.”

It takes everything in me to not roll my eyes. He’s wrong. That’s the least of my concerns because I will never let Paxton close enough for that to ever happen. Not again.

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