Page 29 of Your Fault

I watched her leave, and my stomach was in knots. Her long hair in that ponytail hanging down from the top of her head, her legs in those tight shorts…she was going to catch the eye of every guy she came across. I tried to put the thought out of my mind. Now it was just N and me.

As soon as I got back home, I felt down. I dropped the cat; he could go entertain himself while I looked through the apartment with longing. I had no idea what I was going to do for those four weeks without her. I knew my life had changed in a way I could never imagine. I couldn’t even remember what it felt like to be single, without anyone at my side. It was like I could only see my past through a blurry lens, as if Noah had marked a definitive break.

The apartment was impeccable. Noah was no neat freak, but the day before she left, she got a little hysterical and had to makesure every single thing was where it was supposed to be. That wasn’t like her; she only did it when she was really stressed. That was something I had figured out in recent months.

It made me nervous knowing she was a thousand miles away, flying across the country to New York, where she had a layover before continuing to Italy. I’d never had a fear of flying, and I’d caught more planes than I could even count, but now that Noah was up there…I was surprised how horrible images of disasters flooded my mind. I saw the plane malfunctioning, plunging into the water, getting highjacked… The possibilities were infinite, and there was nothing I could do to calm that anxiety in the middle of my chest.

Five hours later, my phone rang, waking me. I hadn’t even realized I’d fallen asleep. I woke up disoriented and unsettled.

“Nick?” she said on the other line.

“Are you there?” I asked, trying to focus.

“Yeah, we’re at JFK. It’s huge. I’m so sad we can’t stop here and go into the city. It must be incredible.” Noah sounded happy, and that helped my mood a bit, even if I did miss her.

“I’m calling dibs on New York,” I said, and she chuckled.

“What?” I could hear a racket around her. I could imagine men in suits with rolling bags heading into the city that never sleeps, mothers with irritating snot-nosed kids, the woman coming over the speakers calling out to people about to miss their flights…

“I’m saying I want to be the one who shows you New York. That’s what I meant.” I got up off the sofa and walked to the kitchen sink.

“Promise me we’ll come here together, Nick. In wintertime, when there’s snow,” she exclaimed. The idea must have excited her.

I smiled like a dummy imagining me and Noah together in New York, walking the streets, stopping at the cafés… We’d have hot chocolate, and I’d take her to the Empire StateBuilding, and when we got to the top, I’d kiss her until we were both out of breath.

“I promise, babe,” I whispered.

I heard someone calling Noah from far away. It had to be her mom.

“Nick, I gotta go,” she said hurriedly. “I’ll call you once we’re in Italy. I love you!”

Before I could respond, she hung up.

Noah reached Italy safe and sound and called only briefly. According to her, any more would have cost a fortune. I wanted to tell her not to worry about the phone bill, but she insisted we wait and speak over Skype when she could use the Wi-Fi at the hotel. The problem was the time difference was huge, and she would be out when I was sleeping and vice versa.

The days passed, and the Skype calls were brief summaries of what she’d been doing during the day. Whenever she called me, she was exhausted, and we never talked for more than five minutes. I hated that. I hated being so far away from her, not getting to talk to her for hours, not touching her, but I’d promised myself I wouldn’t sour her trip. So, whenever we did connect, I put on my best face, even if inside I was cursing the day she left.

I devoted most of my time to going to the gym and surfing, and on the weekends, I visited Madison. The Saturday after Noah left, I hopped in the car and headed straight for Las Vegas. Lion wanted to come along. I was glad, since I hadn’t seen him all week. Maddie already knew him, and they got along great.

“I’m curious to see how you’ll deal with three more weeks without Noah,” Lion said as we hurtled down the interstate. It would be nighttime when we got to Vegas, so we wouldn’t see my sister till the next day. We’d reserved a room at Caesar’s. It wastrue that we were there for family reasons, but that didn’t mean we wouldn’t indulge in a couple of drinks or hit the blackjack tables… When all was said and done, Vegas was still Vegas.

“I mean, I don’t blame you,” he went on, raising his voice helplessly. “Jenna just left with her parents for that stupid cruise two days ago, and I’m already climbing the walls. And I’m luckier than you: she’s coming back in five days.”

That was the first time Jenna had gone on vacation and left Lion behind. The year before, they’d come to the Bahamas with Noah and me, and apart from that, she’d only left for a weekend with her parents in the Hamptons. I guess all the parents had gotten together that year and decided to fuck us over, dragging our girlfriends off to the ends of the earth.

“I can’t wait to have her living with me. When she moves in, all the bullshit will be over, and her mother will have to take our relationship seriously,” I said. It was three in the afternoon, so that meant Noah would already be in bed. If only I could be in bed with her at that moment!

Lion didn’t respond. It was weird for him to clam up like that, and I stared at him for a second before asking him what was up. His mood seemed to have gone south. I guess neither of us was especially good company just then.

Looking out the window, he replied, “I just wish I had a place I could take Jenna to, somewhere we could live together, somewhere up to her standards. Not my shit apartment.”

I was surprised to hear him say that. Ever since I’d met him, more than five years ago now, I’d never known him to complain about money, not once. We were from totally different worlds: I had a trust fund, and at the firm, I was making a cushy salary. I’d never had to worry about material matters, they were always taken care of when I grew up, but still, I knew how hard it was to try to make it when you didn’t have a millionaire father watching overyou. The year I lived with Lion, I learned money doesn’t grow on trees, that there were people out there who had it hard, who struggled to make enough just to eat. He couldn’t count on his older brother, who was about to get out of the pen for the third time—worse, he had to foot the bill for him, his apartment, the garage.

I’d raced and fought and all that not just because I liked it but because it was a way to help Lion out. We were brothers, even if we came from different places, even if there were times—like now—when the monumental differences between us became clear.

“You know Jenna doesn’t care where you live, Lion,” I said, feeling bad as I did. Lion shouldn’t have to go through this; he shouldn’t have to be thinking about such things. There was nobody who deserved to live a calm, happy life more than him. Jenna would never be a burden for him—she was like me; she probably had a trust fund waiting for her when she turned twenty-one that would take care of all her problems. I mean, her father was an oil magnate!

“I do care, though. You think I don’t know who she is, what she’s used to?” There was resentment in his tone. “I’ll never be able to give her even half of what she needs.”

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