Page 22 of Your Fault

I couldn’t look at her. I closed my eyes and lay on my back. My whole body hurt. This was punishment for me, too, but the rage was too much for me. I couldn’t even explain how it was consuming me.

“Why’d you stop?” she asked.

How could I tell her how lost I felt just then? How could I make her see that leaving me was going to mean I’d be living in hell?

I said nothing, and Noah crept close and rested her head on my shoulder, stroking my chest over my shirt.

“I don’t want this stupid trip to cause problems for you and me, Nick.”

I ran a hand over my face and looked over at her.

“If it’s that important to you, I’ll talk to my mom, and we could…”

“No.” I cut her off. “Just give me time to get used to the idea… I want you with me all the time. I know it’s impossible, but that doesn’t make it any easier… It just pisses me off, that’s all.”

She looked pensive, and I could tell she was unhappy with the situation, too. She bent over and kissed me on the cheek.

“I love you, Nick. Do you love me?”

“I love you more than I love myself,” I responded, stroking her bare back.

“That must be difficult,” she said, smiling like a little girl.

“Very funny,” I said, rolling on top of her and trapping her in my arms.

My lips hovered slowly over hers as she sank her fingers into my hair.

“Are you tired?” I asked, pressing my mouth into her neck.

“Finish what you were doing before,” she whispered.

I needed her. I had needed her since we’d fought in the car. I needed her to make me feel like I was the only one, the only one she wanted, the only one she lusted for.

“You want me to make love to you, Freckles?”

Blushing, she took off my shirt. I could see the desire reflected in her eyes. She licked the center of my chest, my neck, my chin, and my body stiffened as I pinned her hands over her head, feeling her teeth sink into my ear.

She stretched up, and I let her kiss my lips, darting my tongue in and out of her mouth softly as I pressed my hips into hers.

“I love you, Nick,” she said, arching her back as my hand had its way with her again.

“I love you, too.”

And that was how we finished the night: doing the one thing that didn’t cause us any trouble.

9

Noah

The intense morning light woke me. We’d left the thick curtains open and were enjoying the panoramic view of the elegant houses in Beverly Hills as well as, farther off, the taller buildings downtown and everything in between.

Nicholas was pulling me into his chest, and his legs were intertwined with mine. I could hardly breathe, but I loved it—I loved sleeping with him. There was no better way to spend a night. For weeks, I hadn’t been able to sleep straight through like that, without waking up, without nightmares.

I turned gently until I was face-to-face with him. He was adorable when he slept, with those serene features, those big eyelids resting closed… He looked so young like that, resting there next to me. I would have liked to know what was going through his mind. What might he be dreaming of just then? I lifted a hand carefully and stroked his left eyebrow without waking him. He was so tired, he didn’t budge. Then I reached his cheek, his chin. How could one person be that handsome?

At that moment, an unexpected thought popped into my head: What would our children look like?

I knew I was losing it; I still had years before I even needed to think about starting a family, but the image of a little black-haired boy appeared in my mind nonetheless. Our son would be handsome, with Nick’s genes, there was no getting around it…but how would he act with a baby? The only child he could stand to be around was his little sister. I’d even had to chew him out for being nasty around kids at the beach or at restaurants. Anyway, I wouldn’t have to worry about it for a long time, plus there was that little detail, the fact I might not even be able to have kids because of the glass that had stabbed me that awful night. Thinking about it made me sad, and I was happy when Nick opened a drowsy eye and looked at me.

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