Page 94 of Your Fault

“Are you going to answer?” I finally said.

She took a few more seconds, then said, barely audible, “I got in a fight with my mother.”

I leaned back and waited for her to continue. She looked back up at me, and I could tell it took everything she had in her not to cry. I tensed, but I didn’t try to push her.

“I’m not going to come live with you, Nick,” she said finally.

I waited for an explanation, and when it didn’t come, I asked, “Noah, what are you trying to tell me?”

“My mother told me I had to choose between her paying for my school or me going to live with you, and I…”

“You didn’t choose me.” I finished the sentence for her.

“I tried, okay? I told my mother I didn’t care, I said Iwasgoing to go live with you, but I can’t, Nicholas…”

I shook my head. I’d had enough of this shit. “At least we know what your priorities are.”

I got up, and Noah did the same. I threw a twenty on the table, turned around, and walked out.

“Nicholas, wait!” I did, but only because I knew I couldn’tleave her there. “What did you want me to do? I don’t have money like you. I can’t pay for my school. I don’t have a scholarship…”

This was ridiculous. I turned around.

“Don’t give me that shit, Noah!” I shouted. There was no one out there, nothing else to hear except the cars roaring down the interstate and the blasting wind. “You know perfectly well this has nothing to do with your mother. She wouldn’t come between you and your studies… The problem is you’re incapable of facing up to her. There are lots of other options. But no, you walked out without even talking to me!”

She shook her head. “I know her, Nicholas. She’s decided she won’t stop until you and I break up, and I won’t let her win, but I’m also not going to destroy my future over a rushed decision. Living together can wait!”

“I don’t want to wait!” I shouted, losing control. “I want you to be with me, Noah. Not with your mother, not with my father, not with some friend. I want us to finally be a real adult couple that makes decisions together without our parents getting in the middle of it. I want you with me. I want you in my bed every night, every morning… If you’re with me, I want you to be with me and no one else.”

Her eyes widened. “That’s why you want me at your apartment?” she asked incredulously, now shouting as loudly as I was. “To watch over me? What the hell kind of relationship is that, Nicholas?”

I brought my hands to my head. This was the last thing I’d expected. Finally, things were going right, finally we would be together without anyone coming between us, and now everything was just like before, but worse. Noah wouldn’t even be at my dad’s house anymore; she’d be on campus, surrounded by a bunch of assholes, where campus rape was a fact of life.

“If you won’t trust me, there’s no point in us being together,”she declared. Her voice broke on this last word. I walked toward her and held her by the shoulders.

“This isn’t about you,” I said, hating the part of myself I was revealing, cursing my weakness. “When you’re not with me, I think of the worst things. I can’t control my imagination. It’s something that’s just inside me, and I didn’t realize it until recently. It happens to me because I love you. The last person I loved as much as you I hate now, I always will, and I have this problem—I can’t help thinking of what she did to me.”

I couldn’t believe I’d finally said that.

“Nicholas, I’m not your mother. I’m not going anywhere.”

The image of my mother leaving invaded my mind. I had never trusted another woman again since. I’d sworn to myself that I would never let anyone in, that I would never again fall in love, that I didn’t even believe in love, not after seeing the relationship between my parents. But now I had Noah… I couldn’t avoid fearing she’d treat me the same. She was mine. I couldn’t lose her. I couldn’t stand it.

“You left my home,” I whispered, kissing her.

She didn’t move. I guess she was waiting for me to say or do something. I took my hands off her shoulders and stood back.

“I don’t know how we’re going to solve this.”

39

Noah

We drove to his apartment in complete silence. Nicholas didn’t even look at me. Once we arrived, I tried to keep calm as I followed him inside. I felt guilty for everything, even if it had been my mother’s fault… I couldn’t help but feel that Nick was growing apart from me. My problems and my mother were coming between us, and I didn’t know what to do about it. I tried to make rational decisions, thinking about what would be best for both of us, but nothing turned out the way I wished.

Even in the apartment, he wouldn’t speak to me. I’d have rather heard him shout at me than that because I realized he was thinking about things I didn’t even want to imagine. He crossed the living room and walked into his bedroom. I stopped, indecisive. Did I want to go on arguing with him? Maybe I should have asked him to drop me off at the dorm, but I didn’t want to rub it in his face that I’d moved somewhere else. Without him. And I couldn’t stand the thought of going back there without resolving this. I didn’t want my mother to get away with pulling us apart.

I heard nothing from the other side of the door, so after a few minutes, I gathered my courage and cracked it.

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