Page 59 of Your Fault

After we paid, there was an uncomfortable silence. I couldn’t take it, so I forced him to look at me when we got to the car.

“Are you going to tell me what’s up?”

Nicholas looked elsewhere, and that just made things worse. I was scared…scared I wouldn’t be good enough for him. Scared I couldn’t have kids, shouldn’t even think about it, especially now, because if I did, I might break down and fall into a black hole and never be able to crawl out.

“I can’t stand people sticking their noses where they don’t belong. That’s all,” he said, and gave me a kiss on the forehead.

I knew he was hiding something. And I knew exactly what he was thinking…but I didn’t want to hear about it. Not then.

I hugged him, leaned my cheek into his chest, tried to cheer up. I ignored the fear that threatened to come out at moments like that and got into the car as if he had never uttered those words.

We spent the rest of the afternoon buying furniture for the room. It would all be delivered the next day, which meant we had twenty-four hours to put it together if we wanted the room ready for her on Thursday. Nick was excited; I could see it in his eyes, in his enthusiasm as he picked everything out. Leaving aside the flare-up over my supposed pregnancy, I’d had a good time going to the shops and toy stores with Nick.

We bought a blue single bed for her and a few things to play with. Nick wanted the room to look like mine: more or less neutral and not too cheesy. When we got to his place, I was exhausted, and I flopped down on the bed as soon as I walked in. He lay down over my back, pressing me into the mattress while giving me just enough space to breathe. His mouth looked for my ear, making me shiver.

“Thanks for doing this with me,” he whispered, leaving hot kisses on my neck.

With my cheek pressed into the mattress, I couldn’t see his face, but the feel of his mouth on my skin was enough.

But despite that, I came out with the words “I was with Jenna yesterday,” uncertain how he would react to that mention of my best friend. He stopped, tensed, and I could feel his weight rising off me. I turned around and leaned on my elbows, observing him. His back was turned as he removed his T-shirt and let it fall to the ground.

“Great,” he replied.

I frowned as he walked into the bathroom and almost slammed the door shut. I walked in after him without knocking, feeling I didn’t need to.

He was leaning on the sink and looked up when he heard me.

“You know…?” I said. “Weweretalking.”

“So?”

Why is he talking to me that way?

“You getting on the defensive only confirms to me that what Jenna told me you’re up to is the truth.”

He turned around. “What is it I’m supposedly going to do, then?”

I hated when he adopted that tone of voice. I wished I hadn’t even brought the whole thing up, but if it was true he was thinking about racing again…

I looked at his nude torso, the scabs and scars… That had to stop.

“You can’t go on doing this stuff, Nicholas,” I said, measuring my words. “Jenna told me Lion was going to start racing again…”

Without even looking at me, he walked around me and back out. “Lion’s a big boy. He can do what he wants, no?”

“So you’re not going?” I went on, just wanting to put myself at ease.

“No, I’m not going.” He turned and stared at me. “And honestly, I couldn’t give less of a shit about what Jenna has to say about me or our relationship.”

That got to me.

“Jenna’s not what matters. It’s that you shouldn’t have gotten into that fight with Lion! You told me all that was over!”

“It is over! Noah, honestly, I already told you. Lion was in trouble, and I lent him a hand.” He exhaled, came over, and hugged me tightly. “I didn’t know it would get out of hand like that, but I won’t make the same mistake again, okay?”

“No more fights, Nick. No more dangerous situations. You promise?” I asked, arching my body as he started kissing my neck.

“I promise.”

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