Page 50 of Your Fault

“Easy, Freckles,” I said, squeezing her to calm her down. “I’m here. It was just a bad dream.”

Noah buried her face in my neck. I panicked when she started to shake and sob. It tore at my very soul. What the hell was going on? I pulled her onto my lap. I needed her to look at me. I needed to understand what was happening.

“Noah, what’s up?” I asked, trying to conceal the fear in my voice. “Noah, Noah, stop!” I ordered her because the soft approach was just making her worse. I hadn’t seen her cry like that in ages.

I pushed her away slightly and held her face in my hands. For a moment, she looked away, but then I grabbed her chin and forced her to meet my gaze.

“How long have you been having nightmares?” I asked, recognizing that what Jenna had said was true: Noah wasn’t okay. I cursed myself for believing that she and I had left our pasts behind us.

“It was just this once,” she said amid heaves. “I don’t know why…”

I wiped away her tears with my knuckles, knowing she wasn’t being honest with me.

“Noah, you can tell me the truth,” I said, disappointed that she didn’t trust me.

She shook her head, seeming calmer now. “I’m glad you’re here,” she whispered.

“Really?” I asked. I still didn’t understand why she hadn’t called me.

“Of course I am… I’m sorry about what my mom said. You know it’s not true.” She hugged me. I wondered if she was trying to make herself believe her own words. Her mom could think what she wanted. What worried me was knowing Jenna was right, that Noah wasn’t okay, and that she didn’t trust me enough to be honest about what was going on…

I took her hand and opened it so she could see the wounds in her palms. They dismayed her, but she didn’t look surprised in the least. This wasn’t the first time, I could tell.

“Is it because of me?” I asked, struggling to maintain my composure, trying to forget all the things that could have made Noah relive the worst moments of her youth… My face was still scarred by the blows I’d gotten right when she was returning from Europe. I was a constant reminder that violence hadn’t disappeared from her life, and I had to control myself not to turn around and run out, since it was clear I was doing her more harm than good.

“Of course not,” she responded automatically. “Nicholas, don’t make more out of this than what it is. I just had a nightmare, and—”

“It wasn’t just a nightmare, Noah,” I replied, trying to control myself. “You should have seen yourself. It looked like someone was torturing you… Tell me what you were dreaming about, because I know this has happened before.”

Her eyes widened with surprise when she heard me say this. She got up and walked a few steps back, finally turning around and saying, “It hasn’t happened before.”

I got up.

“Bullshit, Noah!” I shouted.

Why would she lie?

“Nick!” she said, turning to face me. The only light piercing the darkness came in faintly through the window. “This has nothing to do with you.”

I wanted to believe her. I knew this had to do with what had happened to her when she was a little girl, but I thought it would end when her bastard of a father died. It crushed me to know her demons were still pursuing her. I tried to soothe her, but she observed me with suspicion even as she let me approach.

“Listen,” I said, resting my hands on her shoulders. “Just tellme when you’re ready.” I hated that the moment wasn’t now, but I continued. “You know I’m here for you. I hate seeing you hurting, Noah. All I’m asking is what I can do to make you feel better.”

Her eyes went moist. Noah had cried more in those past two months than I could have ever imagined… She never used to cry at all… And now I didn’t know which was worse.

I pulled her close and held her. She was so small…I couldn’t stand knowing something was tormenting her. Turning my cheek until I faced her, she told me, “Nick, stop thinking this is your fault.” Her eyes gleamed, her voice was raspy, and all I could think was that there was nothing else like this, and I was part of it, and I would kill for those glassy eyes. “You’re the one thing in my life that brings me peace. The one thing that makes me feel safe.”

“What are you scared of, though?” I asked. I couldn’t help it.

Her expression changed, and the transparency of a moment before was now hidden behind a wall that kept rising between us no matter how many times I tried to knock it down, especially when certain subjects came to the surface.

But I couldn’t press her, and I couldn’t wait for her to answer, because the sound of something breaking downstairs startled both of us.

“What was that?” Noah asked, her eyes on the door, her face once again looking fearful.

I got between her and the door. It must have been Steve or Prett.

“Who else is in the house?” I asked, making sure I kept my voice calm.

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