Page 47 of Your Fault

“Nicholas, get a damn grip!” she replied, raising her voice. “Noah is not okay. She has nightmares. Recently my brother shot me with one of those toy bullets, and it gave me a black eye, and when Noah saw me, she freaked out, thinking someone had hit me. She slept in my bed that night. You should have seen how shewas tossing and turning; something must have really gotten to her because she never stays the night with me.”

I shook my head. “I’ve slept with her a million times. She sleeps like a baby. That’s all in your head. Noah’s fine.”

I could feel the blood boiling in my veins. I hadn’t gone there to listen to this shit. Nothing was wrong with Noah. My wounds had upset her, I knew that. Dammit, that was why I hadn’t gone to get her from the airport; that’s why I hadplannednot to see her for several days, to spare her the sight of me in that condition. But Noah didn’t have nightmares, that much I knew. Jenna was the one who should be worrying about her boyfriend: Lion was selling drugs, but Jenna couldn’t get it through her head that her life and Lion’s were totally incompatible.

I got up before I said something I’d regret.

“I may have my problems with Noah, but don’t forget about yours and Lion’s. If I were you, I’d stop sticking my nose where it doesn’t belong and worry about my own relationship.”

“My boyfriend is the way he is because of you.”

I blew out all the air I’d been holding in. “Fuck you, Jenna,” I said and left.

After an hour driving aimlessly, thinking about all Jenna had said, all that Noah’s mom had said…I reached the conclusion that I needed to ignore them. I couldn’t expect any different from the people around me. I’d created that image of myself, and it wasn’t going to be easy to change. It was almost impossible for anyone to take me seriously. But even if Noah still didn’t trust me, I knew she thought I could improve. Noah loved me. She wasin lovewith me. I knew she didn’t think like Jenna or her mother and that she would never say to me the things they had. I’d shown her I could do better.

I parked next to the beach and walked along the shore as thesun lowered over the horizon. There were people out walking their dogs and occasional couples enjoying the solitude. I let the sound of the waves ease my mind, let my fears and insecurities in relation to Noah go back to the place where I kept them well hidden.

A while later, when I thought my emotions were under control, my phone rang. I picked up without even looking, assuming it would be Noah. But I heard silence on the other line, followed a few seconds later by “hello, Nicholas.”

It couldn’t be. Of all the people.

“What the hell do you want, and why are you calling my cell phone?”

“I’m your mother, and I need to talk to you.”

Madison appeared in my mind, and I stopped with my heart in my throat. “Did something happen to my sister?”

“No, no, Maddie’s fine,” Anabel said.

“Then we don’t have anything to talk about,” I replied, ready to hang up.

“Wait, Nicholas!”

“What the hell do you want?” I repeated.

After a few seconds, she said, “I want to talk to you. Just for an hour. We can have a coffee. There are lots of things that have never been cleared up, and I can’t let you go on living your life hating me the way you do.”

“I hate you because you abandoned me. There’s nothing more to say.” I hung up before I could hear her reaction.

All the rage inside me started surging forth again. My mother was the worst thing that had ever happened to me. I was the way I was because of her. My relationship with Noah would have been totally different if I’d had a decent model to follow. I’d have known how to treat women, how to trust them. Anabel Grason had nothing to say that I needed to hear. But now she supposedly wanted to see me?

The tension of that past month, the insecurity, the fights, the sorrow, the solitude I’d felt without Noah, the knowledge that I’d disappointed her, not being at the airport when she wanted me there, it was all just too much for me. I ran and ran down the beach until I couldn’t think anymore.

19

Noah

The silence was agonizing on the way home.

When Will parked, I got out of the car and shot upstairs. I didn’t want to talk to my mother. In all honesty, I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Since I’d gotten back, everything had gone wrong: I didn’t see Nick at the airport, I found him all beaten up, we argued, I fought with my mother, and I had to listen firsthand to what she thought of him… I needed to get away from all of them. I needed space.

When I walked into my room, the first thing I saw was a fat envelope on the bed. It was from school. I opened it and felt a knot in my stomach as I looked through the dorm documents. When I was looking into housing months before, I had checked the option for a roommate. That had been my plan, sharing a dorm room on campus, but now everything had changed. I’d decided to live with Nicholas, and I would have to call the school and let them know.

I was scared of the moment when I’d tell my mother. She was going to kill me. And a part of me, the part of me that was still just a little girl, was scared to admit to her that I was going to live with a guy my first year of college.

I couldn’t believe it was two weeks until I’d have to do it… I would have liked to pack my bags right then and go, but I’d have to deal with the situation. My mother needed to learn to live without me. Anyway, I was sure William wanted to live alone with her. Since we’d gotten there, all we’d done was cause him problems, me especially.

I grabbed the papers and shoved them into my desk drawer. I put on my pajamas, even though I wasn’t tired after sleeping all day, and I got in bed, ready to think about nothing.

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