Page 40 of Your Fault

“Don’t look at me like that, Noah,” he said, turning around and bringing his hand to his head.

I didn’t know what to say. I was speechless. That was the last thing I needed, the last thing I wanted to see. That wasn’t just a beating. For me it was something worse: it brought back memories I wished would be gone forever.

“Don’t cry, dammit!” he shouted, turning around again and wiping away the tears on my cheeks.

“I don’t understand,” I said, and it was true: I didn’t know what had happened, why he was hurt. I was shocked. Nothing was the way I had hoped it would be.

Nicholas pulled me close and squeezed me tight. I was scared to touch him, I didn’t want to hurt him, but instinctively, I wrapped my arms around him, and I felt his lips on the top of my head.

“I missed you so much,” he said and stroked my hair, smelling my shampoo… When he pushed me away a bit, I opened my eyes to look at him. His left eye could barely open, and that blue I fell in love with was almost gone, replaced by pain and suffering… He bent over to kiss me, but I pulled away.

“No,” I said, frightened.

I shut my eyes. Memories, memories, so many damned memories… My mom beaten up, my father dead, me bleeding on the ground waiting for her to come home…

I moved away from him and hid my face in my hands.

“Why do you do these things, Nicholas?” I asked in a muffled tone.

I hated to cry, especially in front of people, and especially because of something that could have been avoided. He stood there staring at me. I think he was hurt I had rejected him.

“Can’t you just be a normal boyfriend?” I chastised him. My tone was harsh. I was hurting, everything was hurting me—the sight of him, the loss of that dream I’d had of us reuniting.

But when I said that, I could see I’d wounded him, and that made me feel guilty, even if I still refused to take my words back. He must have gone back to fighting for money, or else he’d gotten drunk and mouthed off to the wrong person. Lion was probably involved—Jenna, too. That’s why neither of them had picked up when I’d called.

“You shouldn’t have come,” he said with restraint. So now he could control himself? Now, when it was too late. “I didn’t want you to see me like this, but you never fucking listen!”

“You don’t get to order me around, and you can give up expecting me to do whatever you want when you won’t even give me a fucking explanation. I was worried about you, Nick!”

“Dammit, Noah, I had my reasons!”

“Your reasons are why someone beat the shit out of you!”

His chest was rising and falling as he looked at me. I didn’t know what to do. I was furious at him for returning to that world I hated so much, but I also wanted to hold him and never let him go again. I was about to break down, seriously, and I didn’t want to do it in front of him. He grabbed me as I turned and headed for the elevator, but I jerked my arm away.

“Don’t touch me, Nicholas! Not now! I mean it!”

“Are you serious? We haven’t seen each other in a month…”

“I don’t care! I don’t even recognize you right now. I thought you’d be waiting for me at the airport with a smile because I’m anidiot, a fool who expects a person to do the things they promise me when it’s obvious they won’t.”

“You haven’t even let me explain myself!”

“What explanation are you going to give me? That you ran into a wall?”

He glared at me, and I crossed my arms waiting for his so-called explanation. You could hear a pin drop. Nick tried to hug me again.

“Do not touch me,” I repeated, dead serious.

And so we stood there, neither of us knowing what to say.

“It’s not what you think,” he said. “I had to help Lion. He was in trouble.”

“What kind of trouble?” As I asked, I saw how raw his knuckles were.

He came close to me again, and when I didn’t stop him, he continued. “It was about money. Look, Noah, I didn’t want this to happen, I swear to you.” He knelt so he could look me directly in the eyes. “I’ve been waiting for this day ever since you left. I bought food, I cleaned up the apartment, I even bathed the cat. Please, believe me, all I wanted was to see you. You’re the one thing I care about.”

The fragrance of his body invaded my senses. The warmth of his fingers on my cheeks made the ache in my heart diminish slightly because even if what I was feeling was his fault, he was also the only one who could make it disappear.

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