Page 134 of Your Fault

Before Nicholas could draw his own conclusions, my phone began to ring, one of those stupid ringtones that only worsened the incredibly surreal feeling of the entire situation.

Nicholas took it from my hands to see who it was.

“Why is he calling you?” His voice was cold. I looked up to see his expression.

He was so tense that without realizing it, I took a step back.

“Why is he calling you, Noah?”

“Nicholas, I…”

One gaze was enough for him to understand what had happened.

“Tell me what I’m thinking isn’t true.” His voice was so strangled with fear that I would have done anything to escape, anything to disappear from that place, from the world, to simply stop existing. “Please tell me that’s not his shirt you’re wearing, that what’s passing through my head right now is just my imagination… Say it, Noah!” he screamed and grabbed my arms, pulling me out of my state of paralysis, and the tears began to fall again, dripping onthe floor, down, down into that dark pit my demons had dragged me to, filled with my mistrust, all my problems.

“I’m sorry,” I said so softly, I wasn’t even sure he’d heard me. But he had, and he let me go as if my skin had burned him, as if all at once, he wasn’t even capable of touching me.

“No…you didn’t… It’s a lie.” He started pacing around the room, his hands on his head, throwing his hair in disarray, then turned again and grabbed my face in his hands.

“Please, Noah, don’t punish me for this. I already told you I was sorry. Don’t mess with my head. Tell me it’s a lie, just tell me that, please.” His voice cracked with this last word, and I realized we were both ruined. If I had thought before that I knew what pain was, seeing him in pain because of what I’d done was only that much worse. It hurts when someone breaks your heart, but that’s nothing compared to breaking the heart of the person you love with all your soul.

“Nicholas… I’ve been an idiot… I thought…I thought… I’m sorry, Nick. I’m sorry,” I said, stifled by tears, and stroked his cheek. Or tried to. He didn’t let me. He stiffened, grabbed my hands, avoided me, glared at me.

“You slept with him?” His voice was so wounded that I was glad for the tears to cloud my eyes so I couldn’t see the agony on his face. “Answer me, damn it!”

Those words cut me like a knife. I was disgusted with myself… I thought I was going to vomit again, right then and there. Never in my life had I felt so dirty… He could see it, he could see it in my face—I wasn’t the same person. I never would be.

Without a word, he turned and left the apartment.

I stood there for a few seconds, looking into the void he’d left around me, and that brief lapse of time was enough for me to decide that I couldn’t lose him, that I couldn’t let things end here. What had happened with Michael had been a huge mistake, andNicholas would forgive me, he had to, because he loved me and I loved him. I refused to accept that our relationship could end after finding out everything I believed was wrong, after finding out he did love me… I had to make him see that it had been a mistake, that we could get over it. I knew that would be the most arduous battle of my life, but I was going to win it. I had to win it.

I ran out of the apartment and down the steps as quickly as I could. I watched him walking down the street and shouted his name. He stopped and turned to look at me. Soon I’d reached him, but I had to stop a few feet away. The Nicholas in front of me wasn’t the Nicholas I knew—he was shattered, and knowing he was shattered made me fall apart, too.

The rain fell, soaking us, freezing us, but it didn’t matter; nothing did, not anymore. I knew everything was about to change. I knew my world was about to crumble apart.

“There’s no turning back now. I can’t even look you in the eye.”

Desolate tears ran down his face.

How could I have done this to him? His words sank into my soul like knives tearing me open from the inside.

“I don’t even know what to say,” I said, trying to control the panic that threatened to shatter me. He couldn’t leave me. He couldn’t, could he?

He looked full of hatred, contempt… It was a look I’d never thought I’d see from him.

“We’re done,” he whispered, his voice cracking but firm.

And with those two words, my world sank into darkness, shadows, solitude…a prison designed expressly for me. But I deserved it. This time, I deserved it.

EPILOGUE

Noah

TWO DAYS LATER

The noise of the machines and the intense, unpleasant hospital odor made the waiting room intolerable. I’d never liked those places, and if I’d had a choice, I’d have been anywhere but there.

I went out to the hall, sat in a chair, and hugged my knees. That had been my preferred position those past few days, and just like when I got under the covers, I closed my eyes and let my mind wander through places I wished I’d never return to. I could still hear Jenna’s voice on the other line, asking for answers I wasn’t ready to give, and then William in a rage, telling me his son had been arrested for assault.

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