Page 133 of Your Fault

“Let me go!” I shouted, but that only made him grip me tighter.

“Goddammit, Noah, I’d never cheat on you!”

He shook me, and I looked up from the damp, muddy ground, ready to listen to him.

“It was just a stupid kiss, one stupid kiss I gave her, out of anger, because I was mad at you, and okay, you’re right, I was an asshole, because I knew you were jealous of Sophie, and I took advantage of that to get revenge on you. But it wasn’t you I wanted revenge on, Noah. I just let the Nicholas from years ago carry me away, that person you helped me to leave behind; and I swear toyou, I’ll never let him come back. That was the worst mistake I’ve made in my life. And you know why? Because now that I’ve kissed another woman, I’ve realized how fucking in love with you I am, and I’m never going to kiss anyone and feel the things I feel when I kiss you; if I’m not with you, I feel nothing. If I’m not with you, it’s like I don’t even have a soul…”

I started analyzing everything he was telling me, and at the same time, my pain was replaced by a terrible fear.

“You haven’t been sleeping with her?” I asked in a hoarse voice.

Nicholas stood back and let the water fall over him for a second.

“I hate you asking me that, but I’m going to be straight with you because everything has gotten so fucked up so fast that you deserve an answer.” He looked straight at me, as though he wanted to emphasize the sincerity of his words. “Never, I insist, never have I cheated on you with anybody. It never once passed through my head, and it never will, Noah.”

I felt such relief, it was like medicine to all the wounded corners of my mind and heart.

“But…Briar told me…” I started to say.

“Noah, what happened with Briar and me was shit, and I should have told you about it, but things were so rocky between us, our relationship was on the edge of a cliff, and I didn’t want to make things worse by telling you I got your roommate pregnant when we were younger, let alone that my father forced her into getting an abortion to avoid a scandal. I was scared you wouldn’t understand. Everything happened so fast that it got out of hand, and Briar ended up having to pay the price.”

Nicholas’s father had been the one to force her to get an abortion? Briar had told me it had been Nick.

“You’re not sleeping with her?”

Nicholas cursed and stared at me again. “I’m not sleeping with anyone but you, Noah. I can tell you don’t fully trust me yet, and I get that, I really do. But we can work it out. Together, we can get past it.”

My head started spinning ’round and ’round… Nicholas wasn’t cheating on me?

I felt so lost, I didn’t realize the tears were running down my cheeks again until Nicholas pulled me tightly into his chest.

For a moment, I didn’t hug him back because my mind needed to pass from hating the love of my life to loving him madly in less than a second.

“What am I going to do with you, Noah?” he asked me, stroking my wet hair and back.

I was so cold, so shocked, that when Nick asked me if he could come inside, I just nodded and let him lead me.

When we walked through the living room and I saw it looking just as it had when I left it less than ten hours before, I started to panic. There were glasses from when the girls had been drinking as they helped me get ready; there was clothing thrown on the sofa, shoes on the floor, makeup… It was so trashed that I walked away from Nick and started ordering it compulsively.

“Noah, what are you doing?”

“I just need to tidy up…clean up in here a little. I need—” Nick’s hands stopped me and turned me around.

“Noah, take it easy, okay?” He looked me all over, and I was so scared, so terrified he’d find out what had happened that I felt nauseous. “You’re shaking. I’m freezing, too. Let’s take a hot shower, okay? We can talk about the rest of this tomorrow…”

I started shaking my head. Guilt was eating me up inside. More than anything in the world, I wanted to take off my clothes and get under the shower, but I couldn’t do that in front of Nicholas; I couldn’t even look him in the face.

He’d just told me he hadn’t cheated on me with anyone, that it had never even passed through his head. He had kissed Sophia, sure, but what did a kiss matter after thinking he’d slept with her? Nothing.

“Nicholas, I…”

I saw the worry in his eyes, and it was just then that he realized the state I was in and what I was wearing.

“Where have you been all this time, Noah?” He didn’t seem to be reproaching me; he was just observing me with curiosity. “Jenna was calling you at the same time I was. I even talked to your friend from school… Where were you?”

I shook my head again and closed my eyes, as if that could save me from what was about to happen.

“I…I…” I couldn’t pronounce the next words.

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