Page 66 of Abigail's King

“I’ve realised exactly what I needed to be Mateus. This is the real me. Feelings have no place in my life. I do not need anyone in my life. The only person that matters to me now is me. Why don’t you just leave while you’re still breathing?”

I looked at him as his face changed from one of pure rage to one of despair. He knew then that I had embraced the side of myself I’d been fighting against for years. That there was no going back for me now. I was lost forever. He stood there shaking his head, and I saw something I never thought I would see: a lone tear fall down his face. He didn’t try to wipe it away. Didn’t make any move to cover the fact it was there.

“I hoped I could make you see sense. Hoped that there was still some humanity left within you. That you were just trying to save yourself. But I see I’m too late. You need help, Ricardo. You need to speak to someone. You haven’t been well for a long time, but you need to admit that to yourself. You can get help. I will help you.”

He paused for a second, finally wiping away the lone tear.

“I will always be waiting for you, brother. Your family and I will always be there for you. We will welcome you back with open arms and forgive you. Abigail, on the other hand, may not. When you realise exactly what you have lost, you will never forgive yourself. It’s about more than just you and Abigail, but looking at you now, you will never know. I hope you finally find peace, Ricardo.”

He stood for a second before turning and walking out the door. No goodbye. He just left.

But what did I care? I didn’t need him. I didn’t need anyone, especially not Abigail. She was a distraction that I didn’t require. I sat back down in the chair and continued to look out the window at the setting sun. Today, I started my life afresh. A life alone, but happy.

I had turned my phone off long ago, sick of the constant ringing from people trying to get hold of me and find out what had exactly gone on. Mason, Jayden, Sienna, Nathan, Kelsey. Hell, even Richard had tried to call me. I was guessing he was the last resort, the one person they all thought I would speak to, as we hardly worked together. I had spent the entire afternoon and evening drinking. It had been years since I had drunk this much. I was already on my second bottle, and the more I drank, the worse I was starting to feel.

It wasn’t from the alcohol. I had always been able to handle my drink. No, the more I consumed, the more my confidence started to leave me. I was beginning to feel again. The numbness I had felt since returning from the beach was now almost gone. The voices had all but vanished. All that was left was a shell.

The realisation had started to hit home. The calmness that I had felt when the darkness had surrounded me earlier was now gone. It was now despair, hopelessness, and agony. What had I done?

My body started to shake as the tears started to fall. I had lost everything. The woman I loved, my brother, my family, and any chance I had of having a relationship with any of them.

How could I have let this happen? Why did the voices have to come back now? My Bonita was my light. She was supposed to keep the voices at bay. Why? Why? Why? I couldn’t answer any of these questions.

I went to get up from the chair and crumpled to the floor as my body wracked in sorrow. I had caused this. No one else. Me. I couldn’t believe how stupid I’d been.

Mateus was right. I needed help. I had always denied my entire life that I suffered from any form of mental illness, I would never admit it. I always put it down to the things I had done in my life. That they were the ghosts of the past. I had done that to try to hang on to my sanity when the truth of the matter was, it was pulling me further into the depressive state that I had always suffered from.

It had been the reason why I had not approached Sofia. The worry of rejection and that she would realise exactly what kind of man I was. I was broken. I had always been broken. But one woman had seen past everything. She had been there for me, almost brought me from the brink of destruction, and what did I do? I had thrown her away because I didn’t need her.

But I did need her. She was the only person who saw the real me. Not the one that I had tried to create and passed off as Kye. She had seen Ricardo Carvalho, the man who needed to be loved. The man who thought that no woman could ever love him. She changed all that. It was Abigail that brought the light back into my life. Allowed me to accept my God again and gave me a chance to live a normal life like all my friends.

That was all gone now. There was nothing left for me to live for. My family might have forgiven me and welcomed me back, but what was the point if I would never know the love of my Bonita again? As I sat on the floor, the tears rolling down my face, I thought about the life I had led for the past eighteen years. The life I had chosen to run away from so I didn’t have to face the reality: I needed help. I needed people around me to look after me, to pull me from the darkness as Abigail had done.

But if I thought I had been in a bad place eighteen years ago when Davi had found me drunk, depressed, and suicidal before he brought me back from the brink, it was nothing compared to now. At least then I’d had Davi. Now I had no one. There was not a single person around me to save me from myself.

The second bottle of bourbon had taken its toll, along with the realisation of what a foolish arsehole I had been. In a matter of moments, I passed out on the floor.

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