Page 77 of Nanny for the Doctor

I have a plan, one that I’ve actually been working toward really hard. No excess spending, no spreading my finances too thin.

“I have a plan!”

But then I see Henry’s face as I close my eyes, and a strange pang reverberates through me.

I love him so much. He’s a great kid, and I’ve always loved kids.

But I’m also so young, and I have no idea how the fuck Reed is going to take this. Our relationship isn't exactly on solid ground.

Would he even want to have another child? Would Henry want a sibling? Sharing the attention can be really hard for some kids.

My head spins, and that nausea I can now attribute to hormones rears its ugly head.

How am I supposed to tell Reed about this? Do I even have to?

“It’s my body, after all, and this is way too much, way too fast.” I meet my eyes in the mirror. “Reed is never there for Henry like he should be. At least, not enough. Do I even want a workaholic like him to be the father of my child?”

Tears prickle, and I don’t bother wiping them away when they eventually slide down my cheeks. A new baby in Reed’s life would probably be just an inconvenience.

Just like our non-relationship, apparently.

Sighing, I blow my nose with some toilet paper and determine some more bad TV is in order.

I have time. I don’t have to decide what to do right this minute.

“And you have options. It’s the twenty-first century, and you’re a strong, independent woman.”

But even as I say the words as confidently as I can, shaking my finger at my reflection, I don’t feel like a strong, independent woman.

I feel confused and overwhelmed and exhausted.

And above all, I feel alone.

Chapter26

Reed

Monday morning rolls around, and it’s the first one in a while that I don’t have to work. But I don’t tell Mae that.

I want her to come to the house. I gave her the space, and now I want a chance to talk with her.

Though, I’ll admit that a part of me alsodoesn’twant to talk to her.

Confrontation isn’t something I excel at or look forward to, and I’m beginning to see that avoidance is clearly my default.

Saying I’m out of practice when it comes to this relationship stuff is a massive understatement, and since Johnny left me with a lot to think about, I’ve done just that—avoided Mae, my feelings, everything.

The arcade with Henry was fun, and we even managed to go to the movies yesterday. Still, my MO for the entire weekend was distraction.

It occurs to me thisisthe closest thing I’ve had to dating someone since Clara died. Like Johnny said, I’ve kept stuff with women short and emotionless since I lost her.

I was doing it a bit subconsciously, but some part of me knew I was closing off the possibility of romance because I just couldn’t face that again.

Losing a person you care about is just too hard, and not caring seemed like the easier route.

Avoidance.

Worse, just like Mae said, Henry was more than prepared for me to leave at any moment. He had even asked if work had paged me a few times when I was looking at my phone.

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